(no subject)
I woke up this morning with the phone constantly ringing. It said it was my parents’ house, so I didn’t think it was a big deal. I also remembered that Heather has been doing really poorly lately so I checked my message. It was mom. “Heather isn’t doing so well, so call me back please.”
When I spent time with Heather last night she really had it bad. I mean they broke out the morphine and other drugs, but had to up her dosage because it wasn’t working. She was up and down out of her bed. She was loopy. It was just a mess, but they said she was slowly getting better.
But now she’s on oxygen and they have to run all these tests because she’s having a hard time breathing. I so want to see her again, but can’t. I have to work today. I wonder if when I see her, it helps her? I really try to play Patch Adams, but I know I’m at times unrealistically optimistic. I just have this problem where I care too much and I really immerse myself in the whole situation.
For example, when I first visited my sister, I wasn’t satisfied with just seeing her. I talked to her nurses. When I didn’t find them as helpful, I called the doctors. When that wasn’t enough I volunteered. When that wasn’t enough I read constantly about latest treatment options, what leukemia is, et cetera. I am not satisfied with just sitting back and not doing something.
See, when I dated Kris and he went through his chemo I was a real asshole. And OF COURSE mom reminds me of this. I saw what it was that my sister went through and how hard that was. And that wasn’t even at a full dose. Here I was dating someone who went through chemo and radiation and he’d drive an hour to see me after all that. Then when we’d see each other I’d say really mean things like, “Ugh! You’re so boring! Why are you so tired?” Those memories will never leave me. I also remember that Kris told me never to have regrets in life. But how could I not?
I mean Kris is constantly on my mind because it’s the first thing I’ve reverted back to since as long as I can remember. Sunshine, he was just the best at whatever he did. And he was the best at relationships, but I just wasn’t really seeing it at all. On top of that, my stubborn impatience didn’t help at all. Oh we had issues, like everyone else. Our issues were a bit more magnified because I think I was a bit too much of an asshole when he needed me. (Or it could be that I’m just really missing someone so nice and hating myself for dating someone that wasn’t worth it.)
Anyway, we’ll see about Heather. I have to work today so I’ll be on the horn right after that. But one last thing I have to record is something that will stick out (aka a memory) for a long time.
I was in her room on Thursday. I hadn’t seen her in a couple of days because she wasn’t able to have visitors. So I said I was coming over whether or not she wanted me. I usually had class right after work then, but e-mailed my professor that I was going to see her. Oh my, she was so bad. I mean the worse I’ve seen. She was so pale! Why?
Her machine that has the five million bags had insulin (which is weird, because she’s not diabetic??), platelets, blood and some other meds. It was awful to see. She was high risk to falling and it just was so hard for me to appear normal (which I’m pretty good at showing her when I’m there). She had a hard time functioning: talking, breathing and moving were a chore. So I tried to help and just be there. I showed her pics and videos of Melanie and Nathan. She was SO happy. She asked to see a movie and said it was the first movie she’d seen in a long time.
I’ll never forget it either. We watched “Hedwig and the Angry Inch”. She tried to laugh and tried to focus. She seemed in and out of consciousness and I thought she was getting tired. Usually when that happens, I feel better. I went out to the nurses station and they told she was going to bed really soon so I could spend the night if I wanted to. (I did want to, but had to get to class.) I opted to leave as she seemed okay.
But I noticed my sister seemed to be dreaming. She was mumbling things. “Oh honey, you’re just GOREGOUS! Come dance with me! No come on, I don’t dance that good either. Let’s go!” I wondered if she was remembering New Year’s Eve when so was so strong and so happy. I don’t know. But she was so happy then.
The next day (Friday night) I find out why. They have her on lots of morphine. I am so pissed because there are two other meds you can give that help where she was hurting (low back pain and internal bone healing pain). Now I know I’m not a doctor and just need to shut up. I know I have to trust these people.
But I also see our family starting to come a part by this. Pat (her husband) has been so upset and took off work one day and only got to see her for two or three minutes. My dad still has to drive all the way to Pat and Heather’s house to take the kids to school. So he makes sure they’re dressed and ready, then takes them to school. My dad still works very long days. On top of that, they babysit when they get the chance.
Vanessa is pregnant as we all know. Since she needs no stress, she is out of the loop on the whole Heather thing. That has got to be weird. But we hope the baby will come soon. Like she has been having contractions everyday. So I’m sure that baby will pop right out.
Lastly about Heather…when I see her in pain I can’t help but start thinking of nice things to say. Or when she has to run to the bathroom to throw up and doesn’t want me near. I want to write sweet, cheerful messages on the whiteboards. I still can’t come up with anything that will blow her away. I do the “We love you Heather!!” thing but not sure if that helps or if she notices.
I’ve thought of ..
“It’s your strength we admire.
And your love we desire.
We hope this message will inspire,
You need to get well soon, and add to this fire.
Fueled by family love”
I don’t know what to do. I got back to class on Thursday and the surgical mask I have to wear was clasped in my hands and I woke up to still holding it the next morning. I don’t know why. But this sucks.
So anyway… I’m no good at these sweet things. Any ideas? Anyone? She has lots of bears. We’re not allowed to bring fresh fruit or flowers. How do you create a party or a positive attitude?
----
So lately I had been seeing some guy Eric. What’s going on with us? This is the answer to the e-mails I get and questions that I don’t have time to individually answer right now. And I usually try to write for and to myself, but lately this just isn’t the case. So real quick: I’m not sure what’s going on with me.
I had only a couple of days after Jason without dating. And those days were spent with family and work. After that, I didn’t skip a beat with meeting someone. Jason is convinced that means sex or that means he was easy to get over. Well he was wrong about the sex part. I’ve met some terrific people that I’ll never want to lose touch with.
Eric and I spoke on the phone for hours and hours before we met. I mean, it was wonderful carefree sharing of the mind. I was so attracted to his mind. He seemed so interesting. Okay, but that changed when I got him in person. I mean, total shutdown of thought.
But I’d know he liked me at the end of pretty much every date (except the first) when he’d start to try and be physical. I mean to the point where I was saying, “Whoa killer, slow down.” So okay, maybe HE was just horny? Maybe he only wants friends with benefits? I don’t know, but he asked to see me again and again.
So we saw each other and it was mixed. He was either up or down (which I understand, we all have those days). But he was still quiet over his thoughts. {{{I’m listening to a song called Big Bertha Butt. Just thought I’d share.}}} I have a problem where I just can’t stand when the most conversation is the interaction between my breathing sounds and his. It just doesn’t do it for me.
Thursday night we talked on the phone and he asked if we could see each other again. I tried to respectfully decline. He didn’t seem happy. I said I’d send him an e-mail. But he wanted to speak the next day. So yesterday/Friday we spoke and I told him how I felt. He said he liked when he was in California and I was here and we could just talk - there was a freedom. I guess no pressure to date.
And I reminded him, I wanted friends first. But he seemed to get physical, so what was up with that? No answer. So his answer? Let’s be friends and know our limits. But as a friend, will this work? Do we honestly think that if we state we’ll have limits and just be friends this will work? I don’t think so. I just think he’s not working out. This could be because I am on a quest to eliminate any great amounts of drama.
I mean I’m brutal lately. There was a sweet guy who did the flowers, made me dinner and dessert… we had a great night. Slowed dance in his living room. It was fantastic. Okay, but I am not ready for this yet. That was too much. Is that horrible?
I just want friends first. Really, just friends. I say it, but everyone thinks, “Okay, but I want a boyfriend. So I’ll TRY to be your friend first.” I guess I should just avoid those people? And if so, those are the over 30 crowd. Which isn’t bad It’s just sad.
------
Anyway, I have tons to do. Sunshine, wish for great things. Cross those fingers. There is so much sadness today in our family. I am suddenly happy being alone and realize this. But that doesn’t make me lonely. I just hope to find others like me. There is sunshine right behind those clouds, I know it and I am prepared to see it. In fact, I'll do a sunshine dance if I have to.
“Man, at his highest potentiality, is realized and fulfilled within each creator himself…Whether the creator is alone, or finds only a handful of others like him, or is among the majority of mankind, is of no importance or consequence whatever; numbers have nothing to do with it. He alone or he and a few others like him _are_ mankind, in the proper sense of being the proof of what mankind is, man at his best, the essential man, man at his highest possibility. (The _rational_ being who acts according to his nature.)
- Ayn Rand
When I spent time with Heather last night she really had it bad. I mean they broke out the morphine and other drugs, but had to up her dosage because it wasn’t working. She was up and down out of her bed. She was loopy. It was just a mess, but they said she was slowly getting better.
But now she’s on oxygen and they have to run all these tests because she’s having a hard time breathing. I so want to see her again, but can’t. I have to work today. I wonder if when I see her, it helps her? I really try to play Patch Adams, but I know I’m at times unrealistically optimistic. I just have this problem where I care too much and I really immerse myself in the whole situation.
For example, when I first visited my sister, I wasn’t satisfied with just seeing her. I talked to her nurses. When I didn’t find them as helpful, I called the doctors. When that wasn’t enough I volunteered. When that wasn’t enough I read constantly about latest treatment options, what leukemia is, et cetera. I am not satisfied with just sitting back and not doing something.
See, when I dated Kris and he went through his chemo I was a real asshole. And OF COURSE mom reminds me of this. I saw what it was that my sister went through and how hard that was. And that wasn’t even at a full dose. Here I was dating someone who went through chemo and radiation and he’d drive an hour to see me after all that. Then when we’d see each other I’d say really mean things like, “Ugh! You’re so boring! Why are you so tired?” Those memories will never leave me. I also remember that Kris told me never to have regrets in life. But how could I not?
I mean Kris is constantly on my mind because it’s the first thing I’ve reverted back to since as long as I can remember. Sunshine, he was just the best at whatever he did. And he was the best at relationships, but I just wasn’t really seeing it at all. On top of that, my stubborn impatience didn’t help at all. Oh we had issues, like everyone else. Our issues were a bit more magnified because I think I was a bit too much of an asshole when he needed me. (Or it could be that I’m just really missing someone so nice and hating myself for dating someone that wasn’t worth it.)
Anyway, we’ll see about Heather. I have to work today so I’ll be on the horn right after that. But one last thing I have to record is something that will stick out (aka a memory) for a long time.
I was in her room on Thursday. I hadn’t seen her in a couple of days because she wasn’t able to have visitors. So I said I was coming over whether or not she wanted me. I usually had class right after work then, but e-mailed my professor that I was going to see her. Oh my, she was so bad. I mean the worse I’ve seen. She was so pale! Why?
Her machine that has the five million bags had insulin (which is weird, because she’s not diabetic??), platelets, blood and some other meds. It was awful to see. She was high risk to falling and it just was so hard for me to appear normal (which I’m pretty good at showing her when I’m there). She had a hard time functioning: talking, breathing and moving were a chore. So I tried to help and just be there. I showed her pics and videos of Melanie and Nathan. She was SO happy. She asked to see a movie and said it was the first movie she’d seen in a long time.
I’ll never forget it either. We watched “Hedwig and the Angry Inch”. She tried to laugh and tried to focus. She seemed in and out of consciousness and I thought she was getting tired. Usually when that happens, I feel better. I went out to the nurses station and they told she was going to bed really soon so I could spend the night if I wanted to. (I did want to, but had to get to class.) I opted to leave as she seemed okay.
But I noticed my sister seemed to be dreaming. She was mumbling things. “Oh honey, you’re just GOREGOUS! Come dance with me! No come on, I don’t dance that good either. Let’s go!” I wondered if she was remembering New Year’s Eve when so was so strong and so happy. I don’t know. But she was so happy then.
The next day (Friday night) I find out why. They have her on lots of morphine. I am so pissed because there are two other meds you can give that help where she was hurting (low back pain and internal bone healing pain). Now I know I’m not a doctor and just need to shut up. I know I have to trust these people.
But I also see our family starting to come a part by this. Pat (her husband) has been so upset and took off work one day and only got to see her for two or three minutes. My dad still has to drive all the way to Pat and Heather’s house to take the kids to school. So he makes sure they’re dressed and ready, then takes them to school. My dad still works very long days. On top of that, they babysit when they get the chance.
Vanessa is pregnant as we all know. Since she needs no stress, she is out of the loop on the whole Heather thing. That has got to be weird. But we hope the baby will come soon. Like she has been having contractions everyday. So I’m sure that baby will pop right out.
Lastly about Heather…when I see her in pain I can’t help but start thinking of nice things to say. Or when she has to run to the bathroom to throw up and doesn’t want me near. I want to write sweet, cheerful messages on the whiteboards. I still can’t come up with anything that will blow her away. I do the “We love you Heather!!” thing but not sure if that helps or if she notices.
I’ve thought of ..
“It’s your strength we admire.
And your love we desire.
We hope this message will inspire,
You need to get well soon, and add to this fire.
Fueled by family love”
I don’t know what to do. I got back to class on Thursday and the surgical mask I have to wear was clasped in my hands and I woke up to still holding it the next morning. I don’t know why. But this sucks.
So anyway… I’m no good at these sweet things. Any ideas? Anyone? She has lots of bears. We’re not allowed to bring fresh fruit or flowers. How do you create a party or a positive attitude?
----
So lately I had been seeing some guy Eric. What’s going on with us? This is the answer to the e-mails I get and questions that I don’t have time to individually answer right now. And I usually try to write for and to myself, but lately this just isn’t the case. So real quick: I’m not sure what’s going on with me.
I had only a couple of days after Jason without dating. And those days were spent with family and work. After that, I didn’t skip a beat with meeting someone. Jason is convinced that means sex or that means he was easy to get over. Well he was wrong about the sex part. I’ve met some terrific people that I’ll never want to lose touch with.
Eric and I spoke on the phone for hours and hours before we met. I mean, it was wonderful carefree sharing of the mind. I was so attracted to his mind. He seemed so interesting. Okay, but that changed when I got him in person. I mean, total shutdown of thought.
But I’d know he liked me at the end of pretty much every date (except the first) when he’d start to try and be physical. I mean to the point where I was saying, “Whoa killer, slow down.” So okay, maybe HE was just horny? Maybe he only wants friends with benefits? I don’t know, but he asked to see me again and again.
So we saw each other and it was mixed. He was either up or down (which I understand, we all have those days). But he was still quiet over his thoughts. {{{I’m listening to a song called Big Bertha Butt. Just thought I’d share.}}} I have a problem where I just can’t stand when the most conversation is the interaction between my breathing sounds and his. It just doesn’t do it for me.
Thursday night we talked on the phone and he asked if we could see each other again. I tried to respectfully decline. He didn’t seem happy. I said I’d send him an e-mail. But he wanted to speak the next day. So yesterday/Friday we spoke and I told him how I felt. He said he liked when he was in California and I was here and we could just talk - there was a freedom. I guess no pressure to date.
And I reminded him, I wanted friends first. But he seemed to get physical, so what was up with that? No answer. So his answer? Let’s be friends and know our limits. But as a friend, will this work? Do we honestly think that if we state we’ll have limits and just be friends this will work? I don’t think so. I just think he’s not working out. This could be because I am on a quest to eliminate any great amounts of drama.
I mean I’m brutal lately. There was a sweet guy who did the flowers, made me dinner and dessert… we had a great night. Slowed dance in his living room. It was fantastic. Okay, but I am not ready for this yet. That was too much. Is that horrible?
I just want friends first. Really, just friends. I say it, but everyone thinks, “Okay, but I want a boyfriend. So I’ll TRY to be your friend first.” I guess I should just avoid those people? And if so, those are the over 30 crowd. Which isn’t bad It’s just sad.
------
Anyway, I have tons to do. Sunshine, wish for great things. Cross those fingers. There is so much sadness today in our family. I am suddenly happy being alone and realize this. But that doesn’t make me lonely. I just hope to find others like me. There is sunshine right behind those clouds, I know it and I am prepared to see it. In fact, I'll do a sunshine dance if I have to.
“Man, at his highest potentiality, is realized and fulfilled within each creator himself…Whether the creator is alone, or finds only a handful of others like him, or is among the majority of mankind, is of no importance or consequence whatever; numbers have nothing to do with it. He alone or he and a few others like him _are_ mankind, in the proper sense of being the proof of what mankind is, man at his best, the essential man, man at his highest possibility. (The _rational_ being who acts according to his nature.)
- Ayn Rand