Jan 05, 2006 02:00
Hi Sunshine!!
I just got the best compliment in a long while: "I mean you're very hot... but even more impressive was your character." (Mike). That made my week! I’ve had quite a week at that, too. In fact, I’ve been missing my sunshine quite a lot.
Where did I last leave you? Oh yes, the next day I went to work, then hit up Fox Chase Cancer Center. I had to play butch and figure out directions. I actually got there all by myself. I went in and met some energetic lesbian who seemed fierce and warm; all at the same time.
It was a great interview. She shared a lot about herself personally and I let her know my reasons for volunteering. They were to give back to the organization that was helping my sister, and to deal with cancer victims better. She seemed to like what I was saying and recommended I think about volunteering for their hospice unit at some point. I asked “why” and she told me: “I notice you have a very gentle nature about you and you’re a very active listener. This will be very helpful and important to our patients and their families.” But hospice is for people who are going to be dying soon. They don’t have too many people doing that job. I am not sure about that, although, I guess that’s flattering?
The hospital seems very nice and I’m nervous for Heather going in. I hope everything goes well. I understand she needs to get Chemo first, and then she gets her transplant. I read it’s very painful and I am not sure how I’ll be when I see my big sister cry or wince. I mean, I remember when mom had a heart attack when I first started Aetna. I didn’t even leave early. I left at my normal time and was very strong when I saw her. I remember seeing her all pale and almost like she was already dead. There were all these machines hooked up to her. All these life support things and a commotion of people. I think I can manage.
Except, there will be no one there to help. My family is taking care of her kids. So I’ve been tasked to visit Heather and make sure she’s okay. It’s not a big job, but I know I usually get very passionate about making sure my “jobs” are perfect. So I have a tendency to be hyper-observant with everything she’d be in contact with. I also don’t want to fall behind in anything else. I am starting to feel the pressure… but that’s for later.
Next thing that happened was I had company. I had been trying to date someone. But I wanted to be sure he was worth the time or the title. He proved himself unworthy by going after another person right in front of me. What made it worse was he said the reason he started touching, kissing and other things…. Right in front of me… was because he thought I wanted him to. I never asked him to. I never hinted. And when he asked me if I’d participate, I even said, “No thanks.” I’m not sure what I did that signaled his action. But there he was, making out, then on my bed, then getting f*#ck#d by the guy. Now, I don’t know about you, but this doesn’t spell romance.
Afterward, I didn’t say anything. In fact, I was over the top. I asked them: “Do you need any water?” “Do you need some towels? Lube? Candles?” Yet there they were, still going at it. I was literally in a state of shock. Here was a boy who just told me days ago that he liked me and I told him I liked him back. Some say I should have slapped him up the head. I don’t think my backhand is big enough. They finished and the boy I liked, took a shower. The other guy wanted to chat with me. Even said, “We should do this again some time.” Fuck you. Get out. Get! Out!
The boy I liked finished his shower and had “the look” on his face. I asked him how he liked it. (It is the polite thing to do, after all.) He said he wanted me to talk. I told him I didn’t want to. I wanted to know why he wanted to do it before I could comment on what was done. Without knowing the motive, I’m just speaking out of turn. He told me that he thought I wanted it. He didn’t know what I wanted. He even later said he’d e-mail his feelings to me. Okay. I’ll wait.
Anyway, after that was New Year’s Eve. I worked that day and drove up that evening to my parents’ house. I called Heather (my sister) on the phone to see what she was up to. She said she was just staying inside. I told her I’d probably do the same, but Jose was going to a club. My cell battery died and I rushed right in the house to call Heather back. By then she had already called two of her friends inviting them out to go dancing. She told me she’d pick me up at 10:30pm and to be ready. I really didn’t want to go out. My mom DEFINITELY didn’t want me to go out. But we all understood this would be the last time Heather would have fun for awhile.
A van full of five of us drove to the club. We got there, some drunk, some not. We entered and I saw many familiar faces and some stares. I dressed in some outfit that was approved before making the debut. The others were dressed quite nicely. The energy was SO UP. We were taking on the town. We wanted to get to know everyone and anyone. It was going to be a HAPPY New Year. Within 10 minutes the first guy came up to Marissa and asked her if I was her boyfriend and said that he thought I was cute. I smiled at him and shook his hand. I didn’t want to meet anyone for dating. I only wanted to dance with the masses. I don’t one dance partner, but many. I want to see everyone crazy happy and smiling. I want everyone to feel as this is the musical I hear in my head. I want to see my sister happy, shining and full of life. THIS IS YOUR LIFE Heather!!! I want everyone to love you as I love you. I want everyone to remember you as I know you: the crazy hyper happy girl who attracts lesbians and men.
3, 2, 1… HAPPY NEW YEAR!! … And Jacob grabbed the closest chick next to him and kissed her - tongue and everything. Boy, could she kiss! I grabbed her and held her back. Then moved my hands up to the back of head - yep, moving that tongue around. And the music came back on and we were happy children during recess. Sweating, out of breath, inviting anyone to dance with us - kids. I looked over and saw my sister’s smile. She was so happy and then I saw myself smile in the great big mirror in front of me. I love making her happy.
The New Year
I hung out with mom and dad this day. We watched too many movies, ate too much and said FUCK YOU RESOLUTIONS… we’ll see you tomorrow. I love seeing my mom and dad. I almost see them in a very different light now. I see their love radiate like a bright fire blazing in front of me. My mom is still the eternal romantic and my dad is the gentleman who loves to please my mom. They both care for each other and they really enjoy making each other laugh. They’re so lucky.
I head home but spend the night with strangers playing pool. I’m not good, but I enjoy the masculine talent around me. Delicious!! I wish I wasn’t such a gayboy. I think that’s SO unattractive sometimes. But hell, it gets me dates sometimes. I talked to Eric for awhile. We seem to be talking for hours on end. He seems nice.
Ok, no more, I’m going to sleep. I’m very nervous for Heather tomorrow and no one seems to be awake… so I’ll try Eric again.