Still alive
SO.. I thought I was done being screwed by Eric. I was stupid and thought he finally could not hurt me anymore, could not do anything else. I was WRONG again!!!! THe one thing he actually did a couple weeks before he took off with my stuff, rent, everything, was to make a payment to the MASSIVE cable bill he racked up over the months he lived with me. STill had me extensively in debt. But that was the one payment he made for close to $500. YEah... Well, guess he needed the money, because now, suddenly 3 months later, I get a call from comcast. THe payment that was made back then has now been disputed as "fraud", and was debited back to the owner's card... HE racked up close to $1000 dollars just to Comcast, in a matter of months, then does this. THanks. SO I now have a back bill, so internet is shut off.
Sorry for everything I have missed since Christmas. and not wishing everybody Merry Christmas, Happy new Yera, Happy Birthday to Jeansie, and stuff, and whatever else I missed. I have not had access to anything. Luckily a friend is letting me use their computer for a moment. heh.
In more news, the owner of the house I have been renting has decided to sell it. So I got my 30 day notice a couple weeks ago. Was planning on moving elsewhere with my current roommates. However, due to their rental history and stuff, it is a huge amount of money that needs to be come up with in the next few days. If it does not work out, I am going to be getting a place on my own again. Either way I'm out of here by the 15th. Fun fun. I hate moving.
Christmas was good and bad. Spent it with my family, which was nice. Had to fight tears on multiple occasions. Had to watch my dad ask my mom how to take advil... HE could not remember how to do it, or how many to take, anything about it. Mom won't tell me what else is happening. She simply just looks at me and tells me it is bad.
WE went to Costco, which is one of my parent's favorite things to do on "sample saturday". I watched all these people joke with my dad, but treat him like he is a child to be tolerated, I guess. It really hurt to see that. Anyway, spent a lot of time with my sister, Lada. My mom got her one wish, which was to have Lada and I spend the night. We made her regret it lol. WE blared our music, danced around, and were just complete goofballs. Watched Pirates of the Caribbean, and ogled the pretty pirates:P
She dragged me out to some of her firend's houses to meet them and spend some of the holiday with them. Got hit on intensely by a guy names Juan, whose wife was in the other room. LAda literally had to pull him off of me at one point, then we took off before he could do anything else. THen she wanted to go to a bar. Only knew of one open, so we went to JPs in Albany. It was a combination of a blast, and also one of the hardest places to be in. Saw some old friends that I loved seeing. It was wonderful to get hugs, and joke around again for a bit. But also saw some that it just hurt to see, because we no longer have the friendship we did in the past. Part of me wanted to race over, hug them, and say I'm sorry for every hurt I caused them... But just as they have, I have been through too much in the last year. And part of that is realising that while I screwed up BIG on some occasions, I am not the only one who has caused hurt. And through everything this year, all I have heard is how *I* screwed up. I'd give anything to take back the pain and hurt I caused people that I truly love so much... But after what I went through with Eric and some other things, I had to see some hard realizations in my own life. I screw up. Sometimes big. And I have to take responsibility for it. But I can not keep accepting responsibility for things that other people do or see. I cannot keep my OWN hurts and things bottled up... BEcause those hurts cause ME to act differently. And that hurts other people. It is truly one vicious spiral that can eventually rip away the people and things you hold most dear. I learned in the hardest way possible this year. I lost one of the most important people in my life. And it changed a bunch of other paths in my life.
I am not the same person I was at this time last year. I am trying to find out just who I am now. I have beeen used, hurt, lied to, stolen from, manipulated.... I have found out that I used and hurt people. Hard to see that in yourself. But it is there. I lost two of the best friends I ever had. I found some amazing friends I did not realise I had. I finally met someone who made me see myself for the flawed but beautiful person that I guess I still am. Someone who made me want to put my heart out there again. THen that person died. But he is still with me. The things he made me see are still there, and I hope they stay with me.
I am losing my father. I finally gained a true sister who loves me as much as I love her. Life really has been one huge roller coaster.
And I know this is all rambling. I guess I want to say this. If I hurt you, I am so sorry. I can truly, completely and honestly say I never meant to. But that does not take away the hurt, and I know it. If you were touched by me in a good way, as so many wonderful people have said, which I don't get... HEy, good:) Glad I was able to bring good to your life, as many have to me.
THis year, please no more loss. no more death. no more bs. Last night, I spent New Years with some wonderful friends. And I thought about a bunch of wonderful people I have had in my life at other times. Good memories. Hope you guys had that as well. AS well as good times and hope for the new year.
2006 summary meme:
1. What did you do in 2006 that you'd never done before? Lived with children.
2. Did you keep your new year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year? Did not have nay last year. Have things I want to accomplish this year, but not setting resolutions. THose go out the window too fast
3. Did anyone close to you give birth? - My friend and roommate Wanda. I have a beautiful 8 week old little girl living with me.
4. Did anyone close to you die? - My John... A grandma that was a huge part of my childhood... A childhood friend... and a family friend.
5. What countries did you visit? - none. I'm deprived.
6. What would you like to have in 2007 that you lacked in 2006? - Stability in finances and friendships. One last trip with my dad.
7. What date from 2006 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? 12/5/06, The day John passed away. October, because I lost my best friends. One from both our stubborness and hurts. And the other because he was not who I thought he was...
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? Realising finally that I am worth it...
9. What was your biggest failure? Hurting my best friend.
10. Did you suffer illness or injury? Just keep losing my voice from getting sick.
11. What was the best thing you bought? erm... Did not really buy anything significant. I like a shirt I bought:P
12. Whose behavior merited celebration? Just a lot of my friends, for being who they are, ding the things they do, etc.... Lol, and Melissa and Bruce, for doing what it took to give me another Nephew in a couple months:P
13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? A friend who hurt me in every way possible... And a friend who walked away because of my faults without seeing their own.
14. Where did most of your money go? COving my ass to keep from losing my house after being screwed by above friend. Still battling that, and trying to replace the things they took.
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? John, and whatever was going to come of that...My upcoming nephew. Finding out that I am going to Florida in 2007.
16. What song will always remind you of 2006? "Ache" by James Carrington, due to my world being turned upside down. Knockin on Heaven's Door, played at John's funeral. Nickelback - Photograph, because of my past, and the goodbyes that were said this year.
17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier or sadder? both. happier with myself. Sad because of everything that happened.
ii. thinner or fatter? thinner
iii. richer or poorer? poorer
18. What do you wish you'd done more of? Being with my parents and sister, as well as my friends.
19. What do you wish you'd done less of? Working
20. How will you be spending Christmas? SPent it with my parents and sister.
22. Did you fall in love in 2006? No... But I finally saw the chance of that happening again...
23. Did your heart break in 2006? Yes, a few times in different ways...
24. What was your favorite TV program? Smallville. Watched every single episode from every season. Also loving Daybreak.
25. Where were you when 2006 began? I was at Tara and Chris's house
26. Who were you with? With Tara, Chris, Kristy, and a bunch of other friends
27. Where will you be when 2006 ends? I was at Bray and Amanda's house
28. Who will you be with when 2006 ends? A different numnch of wonderful people: Maranette, Bray, Amanda, Taz, Fedja, and others.
29. What was the best book you read? There was no "best". REad the Dark Tower series by STephen King. REad a ton of books by Nora Robetrs, Elizabeth Lowell, etc.
30. What was your greatest musical discovery? Snow Patrol
31. What did you want and get? Peace with myself.
32. What did you want and not get? John
33. What was your favorite film of this year? Too many. DaVinci Code, Blood Diamond, Pirates II, I know there are others.
34. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? I turned 27. I was surprised with a birthday dinner.
35. How many different states did you travel to in 2006? Utah, Evil Idaho, Washington, can't remember if there are others.
36. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2006? Don't have one. It looks good, it works.
37. What kept you sane? Who says I am?
38. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? Still think Leonardo is Yummy. Sorry, guys. Tim Mcgraw will always hold my heart. heh. Oh... And who can forget CAPTAIN Jack Sparrow?:P
39. What political issue stirred you the most? Too many, again. Still the war. How some bills are passed, etc.
40. How many concerts did you see in 2006? Tim and Faith, Trace, I know there are others, but I can't think of them.
41. Did you have a favorite concert in 2006? Tim and Faith, ahnds down
42. Who was the best new person you met? John
43. Did you do anything you are ashamed of this year? Hurt people I loved without ever meaning to.
44. What was your most embarrassing moment of 2006? Planning on taking my best friend out for dinner to repay her for the birthday she planned for me, then getting screwed by my roommate so I had no money to do so... And being idiotic enough to think that matterd so I screwed the rest of the night up....
45. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2006: Never think you will always have another moment, another day with a person, another chance. You really have no idea what can happen in an instant.
Also: Speak your mind. If you keep stuff in, it WILL find other, more destructive ways to come out....
46. What are your plans for 2007? Continue to work on my view of me, in order to see all the good that others seem to.
47. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
Two songs that both hit me hard.
Ache - "Isn't it strange, the way things can change
The life that you lead, turned on it's head
suddenly someone, means more than you felt before
house and its yard, turns into home.
I'm sorry but I meant to say, many things along the way, so this one's for you.
Have I told you I ache, have I told you I ache,
Have I told you I ache, for you... "
Photograph -
"I miss that town
I miss the faces
You can't erase
You can't replace it
I'm missing now
I can't believe it
So hard to stay
Too hard to leave it
If I could relive those days
I know the one thing that would never change
Every memory of looking out the back door
I have the photo album spread out on my bedroom floor
It's hard to say it, time to say it
Goodbye goodbye"
Sorry for everything I have missed since Christmas. and not wishing everybody Merry Christmas, Happy new Yera, Happy Birthday to Jeansie, and stuff, and whatever else I missed. I have not had access to anything. Luckily a friend is letting me use their computer for a moment. heh.
In more news, the owner of the house I have been renting has decided to sell it. So I got my 30 day notice a couple weeks ago. Was planning on moving elsewhere with my current roommates. However, due to their rental history and stuff, it is a huge amount of money that needs to be come up with in the next few days. If it does not work out, I am going to be getting a place on my own again. Either way I'm out of here by the 15th. Fun fun. I hate moving.
Christmas was good and bad. Spent it with my family, which was nice. Had to fight tears on multiple occasions. Had to watch my dad ask my mom how to take advil... HE could not remember how to do it, or how many to take, anything about it. Mom won't tell me what else is happening. She simply just looks at me and tells me it is bad.
WE went to Costco, which is one of my parent's favorite things to do on "sample saturday". I watched all these people joke with my dad, but treat him like he is a child to be tolerated, I guess. It really hurt to see that. Anyway, spent a lot of time with my sister, Lada. My mom got her one wish, which was to have Lada and I spend the night. We made her regret it lol. WE blared our music, danced around, and were just complete goofballs. Watched Pirates of the Caribbean, and ogled the pretty pirates:P
She dragged me out to some of her firend's houses to meet them and spend some of the holiday with them. Got hit on intensely by a guy names Juan, whose wife was in the other room. LAda literally had to pull him off of me at one point, then we took off before he could do anything else. THen she wanted to go to a bar. Only knew of one open, so we went to JPs in Albany. It was a combination of a blast, and also one of the hardest places to be in. Saw some old friends that I loved seeing. It was wonderful to get hugs, and joke around again for a bit. But also saw some that it just hurt to see, because we no longer have the friendship we did in the past. Part of me wanted to race over, hug them, and say I'm sorry for every hurt I caused them... But just as they have, I have been through too much in the last year. And part of that is realising that while I screwed up BIG on some occasions, I am not the only one who has caused hurt. And through everything this year, all I have heard is how *I* screwed up. I'd give anything to take back the pain and hurt I caused people that I truly love so much... But after what I went through with Eric and some other things, I had to see some hard realizations in my own life. I screw up. Sometimes big. And I have to take responsibility for it. But I can not keep accepting responsibility for things that other people do or see. I cannot keep my OWN hurts and things bottled up... BEcause those hurts cause ME to act differently. And that hurts other people. It is truly one vicious spiral that can eventually rip away the people and things you hold most dear. I learned in the hardest way possible this year. I lost one of the most important people in my life. And it changed a bunch of other paths in my life.
I am not the same person I was at this time last year. I am trying to find out just who I am now. I have beeen used, hurt, lied to, stolen from, manipulated.... I have found out that I used and hurt people. Hard to see that in yourself. But it is there. I lost two of the best friends I ever had. I found some amazing friends I did not realise I had. I finally met someone who made me see myself for the flawed but beautiful person that I guess I still am. Someone who made me want to put my heart out there again. THen that person died. But he is still with me. The things he made me see are still there, and I hope they stay with me.
I am losing my father. I finally gained a true sister who loves me as much as I love her. Life really has been one huge roller coaster.
And I know this is all rambling. I guess I want to say this. If I hurt you, I am so sorry. I can truly, completely and honestly say I never meant to. But that does not take away the hurt, and I know it. If you were touched by me in a good way, as so many wonderful people have said, which I don't get... HEy, good:) Glad I was able to bring good to your life, as many have to me.
THis year, please no more loss. no more death. no more bs. Last night, I spent New Years with some wonderful friends. And I thought about a bunch of wonderful people I have had in my life at other times. Good memories. Hope you guys had that as well. AS well as good times and hope for the new year.
2006 summary meme:
1. What did you do in 2006 that you'd never done before? Lived with children.
2. Did you keep your new year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year? Did not have nay last year. Have things I want to accomplish this year, but not setting resolutions. THose go out the window too fast
3. Did anyone close to you give birth? - My friend and roommate Wanda. I have a beautiful 8 week old little girl living with me.
4. Did anyone close to you die? - My John... A grandma that was a huge part of my childhood... A childhood friend... and a family friend.
5. What countries did you visit? - none. I'm deprived.
6. What would you like to have in 2007 that you lacked in 2006? - Stability in finances and friendships. One last trip with my dad.
7. What date from 2006 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? 12/5/06, The day John passed away. October, because I lost my best friends. One from both our stubborness and hurts. And the other because he was not who I thought he was...
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? Realising finally that I am worth it...
9. What was your biggest failure? Hurting my best friend.
10. Did you suffer illness or injury? Just keep losing my voice from getting sick.
11. What was the best thing you bought? erm... Did not really buy anything significant. I like a shirt I bought:P
12. Whose behavior merited celebration? Just a lot of my friends, for being who they are, ding the things they do, etc.... Lol, and Melissa and Bruce, for doing what it took to give me another Nephew in a couple months:P
13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? A friend who hurt me in every way possible... And a friend who walked away because of my faults without seeing their own.
14. Where did most of your money go? COving my ass to keep from losing my house after being screwed by above friend. Still battling that, and trying to replace the things they took.
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? John, and whatever was going to come of that...My upcoming nephew. Finding out that I am going to Florida in 2007.
16. What song will always remind you of 2006? "Ache" by James Carrington, due to my world being turned upside down. Knockin on Heaven's Door, played at John's funeral. Nickelback - Photograph, because of my past, and the goodbyes that were said this year.
17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier or sadder? both. happier with myself. Sad because of everything that happened.
ii. thinner or fatter? thinner
iii. richer or poorer? poorer
18. What do you wish you'd done more of? Being with my parents and sister, as well as my friends.
19. What do you wish you'd done less of? Working
20. How will you be spending Christmas? SPent it with my parents and sister.
22. Did you fall in love in 2006? No... But I finally saw the chance of that happening again...
23. Did your heart break in 2006? Yes, a few times in different ways...
24. What was your favorite TV program? Smallville. Watched every single episode from every season. Also loving Daybreak.
25. Where were you when 2006 began? I was at Tara and Chris's house
26. Who were you with? With Tara, Chris, Kristy, and a bunch of other friends
27. Where will you be when 2006 ends? I was at Bray and Amanda's house
28. Who will you be with when 2006 ends? A different numnch of wonderful people: Maranette, Bray, Amanda, Taz, Fedja, and others.
29. What was the best book you read? There was no "best". REad the Dark Tower series by STephen King. REad a ton of books by Nora Robetrs, Elizabeth Lowell, etc.
30. What was your greatest musical discovery? Snow Patrol
31. What did you want and get? Peace with myself.
32. What did you want and not get? John
33. What was your favorite film of this year? Too many. DaVinci Code, Blood Diamond, Pirates II, I know there are others.
34. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? I turned 27. I was surprised with a birthday dinner.
35. How many different states did you travel to in 2006? Utah, Evil Idaho, Washington, can't remember if there are others.
36. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2006? Don't have one. It looks good, it works.
37. What kept you sane? Who says I am?
38. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? Still think Leonardo is Yummy. Sorry, guys. Tim Mcgraw will always hold my heart. heh. Oh... And who can forget CAPTAIN Jack Sparrow?:P
39. What political issue stirred you the most? Too many, again. Still the war. How some bills are passed, etc.
40. How many concerts did you see in 2006? Tim and Faith, Trace, I know there are others, but I can't think of them.
41. Did you have a favorite concert in 2006? Tim and Faith, ahnds down
42. Who was the best new person you met? John
43. Did you do anything you are ashamed of this year? Hurt people I loved without ever meaning to.
44. What was your most embarrassing moment of 2006? Planning on taking my best friend out for dinner to repay her for the birthday she planned for me, then getting screwed by my roommate so I had no money to do so... And being idiotic enough to think that matterd so I screwed the rest of the night up....
45. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2006: Never think you will always have another moment, another day with a person, another chance. You really have no idea what can happen in an instant.
Also: Speak your mind. If you keep stuff in, it WILL find other, more destructive ways to come out....
46. What are your plans for 2007? Continue to work on my view of me, in order to see all the good that others seem to.
47. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
Two songs that both hit me hard.
Ache - "Isn't it strange, the way things can change
The life that you lead, turned on it's head
suddenly someone, means more than you felt before
house and its yard, turns into home.
I'm sorry but I meant to say, many things along the way, so this one's for you.
Have I told you I ache, have I told you I ache,
Have I told you I ache, for you... "
Photograph -
"I miss that town
I miss the faces
You can't erase
You can't replace it
I'm missing now
I can't believe it
So hard to stay
Too hard to leave it
If I could relive those days
I know the one thing that would never change
Every memory of looking out the back door
I have the photo album spread out on my bedroom floor
It's hard to say it, time to say it
Goodbye goodbye"