Blindful Existance
It's like I'm not even here. No one can see me, no one can see how I feel. That I feel like my whole word is coming down, they can't see the constant pressure behind my eyes and in my chest from holding the tears in because I'm afraid they won't stop once they start.
I don't even know why, and that's what's so frustrating. I don't have a bad life, and I have so much to be thankful for. It's like I am so selfish that everything I have doesn't mattter. It doesn't matter how many people I love, or how many people love me, because it doesn't change the fact that I'm not happy. That I have no reason to get up, that I have no purpose to continue in this day by day pointless existence. That sometimes it gets to be too much, and only then some of it leaks through because I am so exhausted with this life. I don't know why. I want to know, I need to know. How come I am so unhappy, how come I have to hold back screaming and crying, how come I can only concentrate on hate and the negative how come I have this ominous feeling when I wake up and how come it doesn't go away and how come and why why why when I don't have any real life problems to make me feel like this. Am I just too selfish, or self-absorbed, or what, because i can't handle it anymore, and I can't stand being in my own head when that is all i know.
I don't even know why, and that's what's so frustrating. I don't have a bad life, and I have so much to be thankful for. It's like I am so selfish that everything I have doesn't mattter. It doesn't matter how many people I love, or how many people love me, because it doesn't change the fact that I'm not happy. That I have no reason to get up, that I have no purpose to continue in this day by day pointless existence. That sometimes it gets to be too much, and only then some of it leaks through because I am so exhausted with this life. I don't know why. I want to know, I need to know. How come I am so unhappy, how come I have to hold back screaming and crying, how come I can only concentrate on hate and the negative how come I have this ominous feeling when I wake up and how come it doesn't go away and how come and why why why when I don't have any real life problems to make me feel like this. Am I just too selfish, or self-absorbed, or what, because i can't handle it anymore, and I can't stand being in my own head when that is all i know.