I am so upset right now
Apparently someone has just written a novel about the epic love story of Achilles and Patroclus. I was going to write this novel! ME! It was going to be my magnum opus after getting a PhD and being a Classics professor for like 20 years, when I would know ALL THE THINGS about Ancient Greece and be able to do it perfectly!
But this woman Madeleine Miller has beaten me to it. Of course, the fact that she's written it doesn't mean no one else can EVER write about the same characters again. Right, like, how many novels about King Arthur are there in the world? A THOUSAND. And most of them are bad and repetitive.
But what if this novel about Achilles and Patroclus is really WELL-WRITTEN and POPULAR and EVERYONE READS IT and it becomes like, the DEFINITIVE NOVEL about Achilles and Patroclus?
That would be really upsetting because I'm pretty sure Madeleine Miller has DONE IT WRONG. I can't be sure without reading the book (which I will probably have to do even though that will involve ordering it from the UK because ACHILLES AND PATROCLUS) but the Amazon reviews are not promising.
First of all, Thetis is called a "cruel sea goddess". Um, excuse me? Oh, and apparently she DISAPPROVES OF ACHILLES AND PATROCLUS' RELATIONSHIP.
This is NOT the way she is in the Iliad. You could argue that Thetis is an overindulgent mother, that maybe she spoils Achilles a little too much, but she is DEFINITELY NOT CRUEL BY ANY DEFINITION. And she never gives any indication that she doesn't like Patroclus.
So Madeleine Miller has made a conscious choice to turn Thetis into a bitch. This makes me angry because I LOVE Thetis. She's awesome. She's like, "Hey Zeus, remember how you owe me? You'd better do what I say!" And then she goes to Hephaestus and she's like, "Yeah, remember when Zeus threw you off Olympus and I nursed you back to health? You can make it up to me by making my bratty son some fucking awesome armor!"
But then she also has all this PAIN because her child is going to DIE. Like, Thetis didn't even want to have this fucking baby in the first place. Zeus forced her to marry Peleus because there was a prophecy that she would give birth to a child who would be greater than his father, and this was not okay with Zeus because he and Poseidon both really wanted to have sex with her. But they couldn't because they didn't want to produce a super powerful god-baby that could potentially overthrow them. So they made her marry a human dude and they were like "Awesome! Crisis averted!" Which is why Achilles is literally the best warrior ever in the world, because of this prophecy that was supposed to bring down the king of the gods. But now Thetis is stuck with this little mortal child who is going to die NO MATTER WHAT SHE DOES, and she just wants to save him and make him happy, but she can't. And it's so sad.
I think this is a better story than "Thetis is a bitch who hates on Achilles and Patroclus' epic gay love", but apparently Ms. Miller doesn't agree. Maybe she has mommy issues.
SECOND, I can already tell that I'm going to have a huge problem with the characterization of Patroclus. It seems that in this novel he is "unprepossessing, some say ugly" and "no fighter."
I am like rocking back and forth crying right now. In the Iliad, Patroclus is clearly a) super hot, and b) actually a really GOOD fighter. He's not as hot or as talented as Achilles, but then, NO ONE IS.
Everyone seems to think Patroclus is an incompetent derp because he gets killed while trying to fill Achilles' shoes. Like, never mind the fact that he saved the Greek ships. Never mind that he wasn't killed until Apollo went down the battlefield and literally punched him in the head. This is symbolic, right, because Apollo is the god of moderation, and by attacking the walls of Troy, Patroclus is trying to overstep his own fate. But what we should really be focusing on is the fact that IT TOOK A PUNCH IN THE HEAD FROM A GOD TO BRING HIM DOWN. He is not a fainting, delicate flower, and he's not a shitty warrior. If he were actually a shitty warrior, Apollo wouldn't have had to intervene.
The reason why I am upset by the idea of ugly, bad-at-fighting Patroclus is not because I hate characters who are ugly and bad at fighting. It's because I think it will make the story fall into a hole.
Patroclus is one of the most interesting characters in the Iliad. In a story populated by violent attention whores, his defining trait is gentleness. And why is that? Why is it that, alone among all the Iliadic heroes, he is not obsessed with his own status? Is it because he's so in awe of Achilles that he's content to live in his shadow and worship him? Because he's so grateful that Achilles has deigned to take in interest in him? Personally, I think that's nauseating.
I think Patroclus is a far more interesting character if the reason he remains in the background is because he doesn't WANT to play the status game. If he looks at all the other heroes making asses of themselves on a daily basis and says, "Fuck that shit, I'm going to go barbecue."
That's not to say that an ugly Patroclus couldn't do that. After all, being super attractive is not actually necessary for winning glory as a Greek hero. But I think it's important to acknowledge the fact that Patroclus actually IS a talented warrior, and just chooses not to make a big deal out of it.
Because then his relationship with Achilles is so much more interesting.
You know what, fuck this shit. I'm going to go write Achilles/Patroclus fanfic according to my interpretation of the text. Because no one else is going to do it for me.
But this woman Madeleine Miller has beaten me to it. Of course, the fact that she's written it doesn't mean no one else can EVER write about the same characters again. Right, like, how many novels about King Arthur are there in the world? A THOUSAND. And most of them are bad and repetitive.
But what if this novel about Achilles and Patroclus is really WELL-WRITTEN and POPULAR and EVERYONE READS IT and it becomes like, the DEFINITIVE NOVEL about Achilles and Patroclus?
That would be really upsetting because I'm pretty sure Madeleine Miller has DONE IT WRONG. I can't be sure without reading the book (which I will probably have to do even though that will involve ordering it from the UK because ACHILLES AND PATROCLUS) but the Amazon reviews are not promising.
First of all, Thetis is called a "cruel sea goddess". Um, excuse me? Oh, and apparently she DISAPPROVES OF ACHILLES AND PATROCLUS' RELATIONSHIP.
This is NOT the way she is in the Iliad. You could argue that Thetis is an overindulgent mother, that maybe she spoils Achilles a little too much, but she is DEFINITELY NOT CRUEL BY ANY DEFINITION. And she never gives any indication that she doesn't like Patroclus.
So Madeleine Miller has made a conscious choice to turn Thetis into a bitch. This makes me angry because I LOVE Thetis. She's awesome. She's like, "Hey Zeus, remember how you owe me? You'd better do what I say!" And then she goes to Hephaestus and she's like, "Yeah, remember when Zeus threw you off Olympus and I nursed you back to health? You can make it up to me by making my bratty son some fucking awesome armor!"
But then she also has all this PAIN because her child is going to DIE. Like, Thetis didn't even want to have this fucking baby in the first place. Zeus forced her to marry Peleus because there was a prophecy that she would give birth to a child who would be greater than his father, and this was not okay with Zeus because he and Poseidon both really wanted to have sex with her. But they couldn't because they didn't want to produce a super powerful god-baby that could potentially overthrow them. So they made her marry a human dude and they were like "Awesome! Crisis averted!" Which is why Achilles is literally the best warrior ever in the world, because of this prophecy that was supposed to bring down the king of the gods. But now Thetis is stuck with this little mortal child who is going to die NO MATTER WHAT SHE DOES, and she just wants to save him and make him happy, but she can't. And it's so sad.
I think this is a better story than "Thetis is a bitch who hates on Achilles and Patroclus' epic gay love", but apparently Ms. Miller doesn't agree. Maybe she has mommy issues.
SECOND, I can already tell that I'm going to have a huge problem with the characterization of Patroclus. It seems that in this novel he is "unprepossessing, some say ugly" and "no fighter."
I am like rocking back and forth crying right now. In the Iliad, Patroclus is clearly a) super hot, and b) actually a really GOOD fighter. He's not as hot or as talented as Achilles, but then, NO ONE IS.
Everyone seems to think Patroclus is an incompetent derp because he gets killed while trying to fill Achilles' shoes. Like, never mind the fact that he saved the Greek ships. Never mind that he wasn't killed until Apollo went down the battlefield and literally punched him in the head. This is symbolic, right, because Apollo is the god of moderation, and by attacking the walls of Troy, Patroclus is trying to overstep his own fate. But what we should really be focusing on is the fact that IT TOOK A PUNCH IN THE HEAD FROM A GOD TO BRING HIM DOWN. He is not a fainting, delicate flower, and he's not a shitty warrior. If he were actually a shitty warrior, Apollo wouldn't have had to intervene.
The reason why I am upset by the idea of ugly, bad-at-fighting Patroclus is not because I hate characters who are ugly and bad at fighting. It's because I think it will make the story fall into a hole.
Patroclus is one of the most interesting characters in the Iliad. In a story populated by violent attention whores, his defining trait is gentleness. And why is that? Why is it that, alone among all the Iliadic heroes, he is not obsessed with his own status? Is it because he's so in awe of Achilles that he's content to live in his shadow and worship him? Because he's so grateful that Achilles has deigned to take in interest in him? Personally, I think that's nauseating.
I think Patroclus is a far more interesting character if the reason he remains in the background is because he doesn't WANT to play the status game. If he looks at all the other heroes making asses of themselves on a daily basis and says, "Fuck that shit, I'm going to go barbecue."
That's not to say that an ugly Patroclus couldn't do that. After all, being super attractive is not actually necessary for winning glory as a Greek hero. But I think it's important to acknowledge the fact that Patroclus actually IS a talented warrior, and just chooses not to make a big deal out of it.
Because then his relationship with Achilles is so much more interesting.
You know what, fuck this shit. I'm going to go write Achilles/Patroclus fanfic according to my interpretation of the text. Because no one else is going to do it for me.