(no subject)
It's been a long time since I last wrote here...and I assure you this isn't me returning to the world of blogging to bitch, moan, or try and gather pity from anyone. Not to say that's what I think the rest of the blogging world is after, but that's just what it looks like to me when I read my old posts. To be honest I think I'm about to ramble on about how today was one of the best days I've had in a long time. Did I go out and do anything special today? No, not particularly...actually not at all. I crawled into bed at about 11:00 p.m. Friday night and started watching a DVD set I purchased a while back. With the exception of walking to the kitchen this morning, and the bathroom 2 or 3 times this afternoon, I did not get out of bed until about 5:30 p.m. this evening. Was this a well warranted day free of work? Of plans? Of any activities whatsoever? Yes. Did I accomplish anything today? Absolutely.
I realized something today, something I usually only realize at about 3 a.m. I don't know why that's when I usually realize it, but that's when it happens. That's when I realize I'm tired. Not for lack of sleep (which I admit I do not get enough of), or lack of relaxation (which I also admit I might get too much of). I realize I've gotten up at 4:30 a.m. to go to a job I don't like. It doesn't pay well but it pays. Around noon or so I finally get around to taking a lunch break, at this point while sitting in the break room (not smoking I might add) I decide I'm going to go home and take a well deserved nap. I decide I'm going to take this nap every day. The last time I took this nap was last month. Why? Because I come home to check on a couple things before I crawl in bed. Next thing I know 2 hours have gone by and theres one thing I still gotta fix. Then I'm hungry so I eat something. At this point I'm usually halfway through doing something that never really needed to be done, but has to be finished now because I've started it. I get to bed around 11 p.m. or so and wake up 5 hours later to repeat the process.
I'm not tired because I don't sleep enough, I'm tired because I don't do anything. What do I accomplish in any given day? I unload a truck, a truck thats going to come back with more things to unload tomorrow, and the next day, and the next. I don't think in my job, I simply scan things and tell the computer how many books are in this particular box. I'm bored...all day. I'm tired because I'm not doing anything with my life. There are people out in this country changing the way our lives are going to play out for the rest of our lives and the only reason I can't be a part of them, is because I'm too lazy to get off my ass and do something with my life. I can't take it anymore. I can't work a job that pays just enough to make rent, pay bills, and leave me with enough to be scrounging for change at the end of the pay period. I refuse to be the kid that didn't get a degree because "the classes didn't challenge him." No, they don't challenge me, they bore me. They bore the everliving shit out of me, but I'm not giving myself an option anymore. We can do anything, we can be anybody. I refuse to give up the thoughts of doing what I want to do, simply because what I'm doing right now is where I ended up and it's paying the bills.
I'm going to get up tomorrow at 4 a.m. Not 4:30. Why? Because I can't remember the last time I sat down with a cup of coffee and the business section of the newspaper. I can't remember when I got up in the morning and the first thing I did was to learn something I didn't know. I'm not in school, but there's a LOT of things going on around me that I want a far better grasp on. After work I'll probably spend my afternoon talking with different colleges about my options at this point. I'm going to come home tomorrow and run. I'm actually going to do a full workout if I can make it through one. I'll admit I can't remember the last time I went through an entire workout, but what is more important to me is why I'm going to do these things. I am *not* going to read the business section of the newspaper tomorrow morning because some Econ professor told me I had to. I am *not* going to walk into an admissions office because my entire life I've been told I can't get by without a degree. I am *not* going to work out because I was told it's the healthy thing to do. I will however do these things for me, for me knowing that everything I did that day was in the efforts of improving who I am. I don't expect that to be something I'll ever graduate from. I'm going to do these things because I absolutely cannot sit here any longer and just. get. by.
I realized something today, something I usually only realize at about 3 a.m. I don't know why that's when I usually realize it, but that's when it happens. That's when I realize I'm tired. Not for lack of sleep (which I admit I do not get enough of), or lack of relaxation (which I also admit I might get too much of). I realize I've gotten up at 4:30 a.m. to go to a job I don't like. It doesn't pay well but it pays. Around noon or so I finally get around to taking a lunch break, at this point while sitting in the break room (not smoking I might add) I decide I'm going to go home and take a well deserved nap. I decide I'm going to take this nap every day. The last time I took this nap was last month. Why? Because I come home to check on a couple things before I crawl in bed. Next thing I know 2 hours have gone by and theres one thing I still gotta fix. Then I'm hungry so I eat something. At this point I'm usually halfway through doing something that never really needed to be done, but has to be finished now because I've started it. I get to bed around 11 p.m. or so and wake up 5 hours later to repeat the process.
I'm not tired because I don't sleep enough, I'm tired because I don't do anything. What do I accomplish in any given day? I unload a truck, a truck thats going to come back with more things to unload tomorrow, and the next day, and the next. I don't think in my job, I simply scan things and tell the computer how many books are in this particular box. I'm bored...all day. I'm tired because I'm not doing anything with my life. There are people out in this country changing the way our lives are going to play out for the rest of our lives and the only reason I can't be a part of them, is because I'm too lazy to get off my ass and do something with my life. I can't take it anymore. I can't work a job that pays just enough to make rent, pay bills, and leave me with enough to be scrounging for change at the end of the pay period. I refuse to be the kid that didn't get a degree because "the classes didn't challenge him." No, they don't challenge me, they bore me. They bore the everliving shit out of me, but I'm not giving myself an option anymore. We can do anything, we can be anybody. I refuse to give up the thoughts of doing what I want to do, simply because what I'm doing right now is where I ended up and it's paying the bills.
I'm going to get up tomorrow at 4 a.m. Not 4:30. Why? Because I can't remember the last time I sat down with a cup of coffee and the business section of the newspaper. I can't remember when I got up in the morning and the first thing I did was to learn something I didn't know. I'm not in school, but there's a LOT of things going on around me that I want a far better grasp on. After work I'll probably spend my afternoon talking with different colleges about my options at this point. I'm going to come home tomorrow and run. I'm actually going to do a full workout if I can make it through one. I'll admit I can't remember the last time I went through an entire workout, but what is more important to me is why I'm going to do these things. I am *not* going to read the business section of the newspaper tomorrow morning because some Econ professor told me I had to. I am *not* going to walk into an admissions office because my entire life I've been told I can't get by without a degree. I am *not* going to work out because I was told it's the healthy thing to do. I will however do these things for me, for me knowing that everything I did that day was in the efforts of improving who I am. I don't expect that to be something I'll ever graduate from. I'm going to do these things because I absolutely cannot sit here any longer and just. get. by.