(no subject)
You ever find you can't even tell if you're in a good mood or not anymore? It's all just the same, like you exist, and that's the extent of it. I need a cigarette I think...That was random, and I have this nagging feeling it will happen a lot in this entry. As I write this I'm currently mudding, checking email, and text messaging people. Why? Because I don't even really want to do this, I don't want to do anything, and that bothers me. I keep telling myself 2 more months, just get through it, and then life will be good again. But what am I doing for those 2 months? NOTHING, I'm killing time, and I've wasted enough of my life. I have a serious problem with not being productive and just 'getting by.' In a lot of ways I'll be a changed man come August, and I think that'll be a good thing, but that's not exactily soon. I'm frustrated...and yet not. If I had 10 bucks to goto the batting cages for a half hour and smash the shit out of something I would, why? Fuck if I know? It's like I don't even have to be angry, to be an angry person. It's become my default setting. And to further complicate matters I constantly rack my brains about how I feel about relationships right now. Are they worth it? Am I capable of it right now? Or do I just call her for the one night stand I can guarentee it'll be. I'm not saying any of this is about her, it's more of a 'Have a really lowered myself to this?' I'm doing it for the 'comedic value' or as an 'initiation.' Where did all this come from? Why did my first relationship have to work? I guess thats the bottom line. Why couldn't my heart get obliterated by the first person I fell in love with? Why couldn't I grow up to be so jaded as to think that nothing will ever work, so I'll get mine because I'm more important than you? Because the bottom line is, if the whole world believes something and you don't. It doesn't fuckin matter who's right and who's wrong, you're the one that's gonna lose. I think this is just how I get when I start getting tired of this place. When I start losing reasons to stay around. I need this break this summer, if I don't get out of here you WILL find me here next semester on pills for my mental stability. I guess that's what I'll never really understand. The entire time I grew up I never once had the notion that I needed to leave or to get out. Every single day I wake up and view yesterday's actions as a failure because I'm still here and I haven't given myself a legit reason to stay. And yet I need to leave soooo so bad, but I'll come back. I want to come back. This is where I want to end up owning land, probably two horses, a couple acres, a 4-wheeler, and a house and yard I can work on. I can look at and say damn, look what I've accomplished. That's me settling down. I know it'll happen, after I live in Discovery bay for a couple years partying it up. Gettin drunk riding a 50cc dirt bike that I'm squatting on down the street at 3 am while all my drunk friends are laughing their ass off. Loading up an ice chest with beers and liqour, throwing out on the jet-skis/boat and goin to Ski Beach. Havin a little party on my own Island. Not that I'd own the island, its just kinda there and since my friends are all there drunk with me, we claim it. Seriously, who the FUCK is gonna stop us? But as I said, it all comes back to things I do before coming home to the place I fight so hard to leave. Why? Why am I subjecting myself to a decade in college? A DECADE!!! Thats equal to half of my entire lifetime I've done up until now. Jesus Christ! And the most ironic part of it all, it took a week of drugs to decide I'm goin back to OU for Criminology. And then it took another night of drunkeness to have someone that just graduated tell me 'Hey, you should really do Law after you finish your BA.' Well shit...maybe I should. It all comes down to how much patience I have with grades. If I go back and find myself in the right mindset, I could be goin for a while. Because even AFTER Law, if I decide to do so, I still have my letter from NPS to get a free Masters degree in Computer Science. I dunno, I just want to get out of here, and I'm killing time until then. And hating every fucking minute of it.