runaway train never going back
wrong way on a one-way track?
or i've been going in circles around what i presumably could not find.
until now. too early seen unknown and known too late! i think i'm falling for someone i shouldn't be. it's a little bit scandalous and fraught with irony (when hasn't it been?) and i'm up to my usual mischief. i've committed a big no-no in girl world: it's generally not a good idea to date or sleep with your girl friend's ex-boyfriend. on top of that, she's his baby mama. however, technically, i haven't done anything wrong. she's moved way on -- she and her new man have already tattooed their names on each other. and while she did encourage me to talk to her ex, be there for him, be the friend that he's always been to me, i'm pretty sure she didn't mean for me to get that friendly with him.
so it goes for me.
it started with acid.
three weeks ago, my close friend and i spontaneously got together to drop some acid i'd procured. three years ago, i met this beautiful man with a guitar on my birthday. we've always been close, but not too close. three months ago, he and his girlfriend had the most definitive break-up in the five years they had been off and on, but mostly on. i didn't really start hanging out with her 'til this summer, so i don't know her as well. but i still feel a little bit bad, because she still doesn't know about what we did! so far, i haven't had the guts to tell her, and he's not really even that concerned about it.
i was so catatonic by the time i came down, that not only did i cross the friend line, but i also ditched another good friend on her thirtieth birthday. i promised mel i would show up at her party late, thinking i could do the acid and then get across town after coming down. it never happened. i never left the scene of our trip and tryst.
never one to believe in love at first sight, i'm not putting much faith in love realized on drugs either. i know there has always been an attraction between us, and our feelings for each other are very complicated by our own admission. we discussed this when we were mostly sober again. but i'm scared to bring up the subject again. it wasn't just the drugs; until now i've never let myself explore these somewhat unconscious feelings, and now that circumstances are such that i am free to fall, i'm free-falling.
that's it: i am a victim of circumstance.
despite my lifelong search for irony (especially in the hazardous context of love), i didn't off myself before my birthday. i guess this is fairly obvious. but i got insanely depressed the week prior. i'm frustrated with my life because i feel like it hasn't happened for me yet. when will things finally come together for me. come together, right now, over me. all my stars have arrived back at their position in the cosmic arrangement 28 years ago. i have not arrived. i'm hoping this astronomical full circle means this year is the charm and translates to my course, which is constantly navigating the ill-defined line between fate and free will. maybe this is what it feels like to have life "happen" for you -- subtle, torturously drawn-out, easily mistaken for threats to existence against the backdrop of a beautiful mess that is this wreck-of-the-day called life. i'm just trying not to jump ship too soon. i do in fact like my body. it's just really hard to keep the crew steering my head from mutiny when everything that happens feels like colliding with an iceberg.
i don't feel capable of falling in love ever again. not since the last time. if it's happening again, it's not the euphoric variety i've come to recognize -- it's melancholy, almost sad. is it because i know too well now that once you have someone, losing him is what follows? i don't really want to commit to that kind of living suicide already documented on my skin, in my own words. the concrete kind would be the path of least resistance. o trespass sweetly urged, give me my sin again! however, telling john lennon i love him is not something i want to say for the first (and last) time in a suicide note, tragically poetic as that would be, especially if there's a chance it might be reciprocated. as i put it that night, and perhaps this was partly lucy in the sky with diamonds talking, what we did was really just a natural extension of what we've always had. i get high with a little help from my friends, and we both go down together. 28, and while my head is spinning, i'm holding tight it's just beginning.
Your rainbow is strongly shaded violet.
What is says about you: You are a creative person. You appreciate beauty and craftsmanship. You are patient and will keep trying to understand something until you've mastered it.
Find the colors of your rainbow at spacefem.com.
or i've been going in circles around what i presumably could not find.
until now. too early seen unknown and known too late! i think i'm falling for someone i shouldn't be. it's a little bit scandalous and fraught with irony (when hasn't it been?) and i'm up to my usual mischief. i've committed a big no-no in girl world: it's generally not a good idea to date or sleep with your girl friend's ex-boyfriend. on top of that, she's his baby mama. however, technically, i haven't done anything wrong. she's moved way on -- she and her new man have already tattooed their names on each other. and while she did encourage me to talk to her ex, be there for him, be the friend that he's always been to me, i'm pretty sure she didn't mean for me to get that friendly with him.
so it goes for me.
it started with acid.
three weeks ago, my close friend and i spontaneously got together to drop some acid i'd procured. three years ago, i met this beautiful man with a guitar on my birthday. we've always been close, but not too close. three months ago, he and his girlfriend had the most definitive break-up in the five years they had been off and on, but mostly on. i didn't really start hanging out with her 'til this summer, so i don't know her as well. but i still feel a little bit bad, because she still doesn't know about what we did! so far, i haven't had the guts to tell her, and he's not really even that concerned about it.
i was so catatonic by the time i came down, that not only did i cross the friend line, but i also ditched another good friend on her thirtieth birthday. i promised mel i would show up at her party late, thinking i could do the acid and then get across town after coming down. it never happened. i never left the scene of our trip and tryst.
never one to believe in love at first sight, i'm not putting much faith in love realized on drugs either. i know there has always been an attraction between us, and our feelings for each other are very complicated by our own admission. we discussed this when we were mostly sober again. but i'm scared to bring up the subject again. it wasn't just the drugs; until now i've never let myself explore these somewhat unconscious feelings, and now that circumstances are such that i am free to fall, i'm free-falling.
that's it: i am a victim of circumstance.
despite my lifelong search for irony (especially in the hazardous context of love), i didn't off myself before my birthday. i guess this is fairly obvious. but i got insanely depressed the week prior. i'm frustrated with my life because i feel like it hasn't happened for me yet. when will things finally come together for me. come together, right now, over me. all my stars have arrived back at their position in the cosmic arrangement 28 years ago. i have not arrived. i'm hoping this astronomical full circle means this year is the charm and translates to my course, which is constantly navigating the ill-defined line between fate and free will. maybe this is what it feels like to have life "happen" for you -- subtle, torturously drawn-out, easily mistaken for threats to existence against the backdrop of a beautiful mess that is this wreck-of-the-day called life. i'm just trying not to jump ship too soon. i do in fact like my body. it's just really hard to keep the crew steering my head from mutiny when everything that happens feels like colliding with an iceberg.
i don't feel capable of falling in love ever again. not since the last time. if it's happening again, it's not the euphoric variety i've come to recognize -- it's melancholy, almost sad. is it because i know too well now that once you have someone, losing him is what follows? i don't really want to commit to that kind of living suicide already documented on my skin, in my own words. the concrete kind would be the path of least resistance. o trespass sweetly urged, give me my sin again! however, telling john lennon i love him is not something i want to say for the first (and last) time in a suicide note, tragically poetic as that would be, especially if there's a chance it might be reciprocated. as i put it that night, and perhaps this was partly lucy in the sky with diamonds talking, what we did was really just a natural extension of what we've always had. i get high with a little help from my friends, and we both go down together. 28, and while my head is spinning, i'm holding tight it's just beginning.
Your rainbow is strongly shaded violet.
What is says about you: You are a creative person. You appreciate beauty and craftsmanship. You are patient and will keep trying to understand something until you've mastered it.
Find the colors of your rainbow at spacefem.com.