over-medicated
i fell asleep in half my clothes and makeup last night. i do this all the time, unfortunately. it's very poor hygiene to sleep in makeup. it gets in your eyes and stings (without, however, making me cry). i was lying in the dark with coldplay on the stereo, cataloging all my fears and anxieties and then ended up continuing this self-assessment in dreams. i guess my biggest concern is that i don't feel love anymore. i don't have the capacity to feel much that way because i've shut myself off in self-defense. to prevent such trauma from ever again rattling the rib-cage where my very soul is housed, i've sealed off those nerve-endings where moods begin, and my emotional extremities are guarded with the absence of extreme feeling. maybe a lot of this stoicism is a side-effect of being moderately doped up, but it saddened me last night when i noted how i haven't cried in quite a while (which still was not enough to make me cry, even though i wanted to). the punchline: i don't think i will ever fall in love again, not like the last time, which, in very sobered-up hind sight, makes me see how deliriously insane i was.
it's not unlike remembering the state of the inside of my head when i was doing things people get locked up for. and i got locked up for them. i know, right? you have to be delusional to get off on self-starvation? surely, there are cooler ways to get high. there are cooler ways to die.
i just realized i am perilously close to finishing the novel. perilously, because it will be scary to finish. it will be a scary exhilaration when i write the last line, the last word, the last punctuation mark, the period to end all things. i just now decided that my goal is to have finished my first novel (and, by extension, sold it) by the time alec gets back from the peace corps.
it's not unlike remembering the state of the inside of my head when i was doing things people get locked up for. and i got locked up for them. i know, right? you have to be delusional to get off on self-starvation? surely, there are cooler ways to get high. there are cooler ways to die.
i just realized i am perilously close to finishing the novel. perilously, because it will be scary to finish. it will be a scary exhilaration when i write the last line, the last word, the last punctuation mark, the period to end all things. i just now decided that my goal is to have finished my first novel (and, by extension, sold it) by the time alec gets back from the peace corps.