USAA
I was scammed back in '96. Actually, my parents were scammed by the United States Achievement Academy. It was one of those scams where parents fill out a form and pay a sum of money to have their kid's name appear in a leather-bound gold-lettered book. And like senior citizens reading spam email about dong enhancers and herbal viagra, they would fall prey later to exactly the same scam called Who's Who in American High School Students. Anyway, the scam works because the parents are left with the illusion that their child is important, the kid is duped into believe they've accomplished something, and the USAA ends up with all the money.
I dug up that book a few hours ago (I couldn't sleep for some reason). Surprisingly, the first 30 pages are a tiny guide about getting into college, and how to cope once you're there. The rest of the book is just names of high school kids. The guide about college is actually pretty good, and I wish I would've read it once I got to college. But there are still some funny parts, especially when you add my comments, which are in red. What follows is word for word taken from the USAA '96 book.
Safety Tips:
Check your back seat before opening your door. Often, criminals will lie in wait for you there.
If this happens, connect a rubber hose to your exhaust pipe and slip it in through the window. Engage the "remote start" feature on your car and flush out that criminal, plus any additional criminals that you haven't seen.
Look under your car to see if anyone is hiding there. Someone may grab or cut your ankle.
Get down on your hands and knees and look. Better to be stabbed in the eye than the ankle. Seriously, wtf. If you've ever been under a car to work on it you know how cramped it is under there. Not the best place to attack people. I can barely manuever a filter wrench on an oil filter let alone a rusty knife on a flailing panicked English major.
Walk assertively, implying you know where you are going.
Yes, sir! I'm going to the corner to get mugged!
Body language works. Look confident.
See that group of thugs in the dark alley? Flip 'em the bird!
Make sure all locks and smoke alarms work.
Nothing like asphyxiating while trying to unlatch 4 levels of iron deadbolts when the fire breaks out.
Do not speak with prank phone callers. Do not ask questions or encourage them. Just hang up the phone.
This works wonderfully for job recruiters too.
Keep your car in gear at traffic lights and intersections.
In accordance with all common sense/ local law
Do not leave your windows rolled down or your car unlocked.
Duh. That's how all the criminals get into the back seat. You'd be surprised how many can fit back there, they're like clowns.
Carry your keys in your hand as you walk. You can use them as weapons and open doors faster.
Works best if you are Sora from Kingdom Hearts.
General School Tips:
If you tend to be a nit picky perfectionist, give yourself permission to do a "great" job instead of a "absolutely perfect" job. This is one of the most difficult things a perfectionist must learn.
And they must learn it right now otherwise they're a failure for life! Also, they put 'a absolutely perfect job' instead of 'an absolutely perfect job'. That must've driven the perfectionists crazy.
Many colleges and universities sell or give away personalized daily planners. Often, these will have important dates like school holidays, final exams, sporting events and special events already recorded for your use.
Kiss the Chancellor's Ass Day? I don't recall that being a traditional American holiday...
Consider keeping a red folder for important, upcoming assignments. The color will alert you to the urgency of the situation.
Actually create a color coded system of folders. File all your homework in the orange folder but scare yourself into thinking that you may get a red folder homework someday.
And finally, they have an inspirational quote set to the side in a shaded box:
"Nothing is particularly hard if you divide it into small jobs" - Henry Ford
Henry Ford was neither a chemist nor a porn star.
I dug up that book a few hours ago (I couldn't sleep for some reason). Surprisingly, the first 30 pages are a tiny guide about getting into college, and how to cope once you're there. The rest of the book is just names of high school kids. The guide about college is actually pretty good, and I wish I would've read it once I got to college. But there are still some funny parts, especially when you add my comments, which are in red. What follows is word for word taken from the USAA '96 book.
Safety Tips:
Check your back seat before opening your door. Often, criminals will lie in wait for you there.
If this happens, connect a rubber hose to your exhaust pipe and slip it in through the window. Engage the "remote start" feature on your car and flush out that criminal, plus any additional criminals that you haven't seen.
Look under your car to see if anyone is hiding there. Someone may grab or cut your ankle.
Get down on your hands and knees and look. Better to be stabbed in the eye than the ankle. Seriously, wtf. If you've ever been under a car to work on it you know how cramped it is under there. Not the best place to attack people. I can barely manuever a filter wrench on an oil filter let alone a rusty knife on a flailing panicked English major.
Walk assertively, implying you know where you are going.
Yes, sir! I'm going to the corner to get mugged!
Body language works. Look confident.
See that group of thugs in the dark alley? Flip 'em the bird!
Make sure all locks and smoke alarms work.
Nothing like asphyxiating while trying to unlatch 4 levels of iron deadbolts when the fire breaks out.
Do not speak with prank phone callers. Do not ask questions or encourage them. Just hang up the phone.
This works wonderfully for job recruiters too.
Keep your car in gear at traffic lights and intersections.
In accordance with all common sense/ local law
Do not leave your windows rolled down or your car unlocked.
Duh. That's how all the criminals get into the back seat. You'd be surprised how many can fit back there, they're like clowns.
Carry your keys in your hand as you walk. You can use them as weapons and open doors faster.
Works best if you are Sora from Kingdom Hearts.
General School Tips:
If you tend to be a nit picky perfectionist, give yourself permission to do a "great" job instead of a "absolutely perfect" job. This is one of the most difficult things a perfectionist must learn.
And they must learn it right now otherwise they're a failure for life! Also, they put 'a absolutely perfect job' instead of 'an absolutely perfect job'. That must've driven the perfectionists crazy.
Many colleges and universities sell or give away personalized daily planners. Often, these will have important dates like school holidays, final exams, sporting events and special events already recorded for your use.
Kiss the Chancellor's Ass Day? I don't recall that being a traditional American holiday...
Consider keeping a red folder for important, upcoming assignments. The color will alert you to the urgency of the situation.
Actually create a color coded system of folders. File all your homework in the orange folder but scare yourself into thinking that you may get a red folder homework someday.
And finally, they have an inspirational quote set to the side in a shaded box:
"Nothing is particularly hard if you divide it into small jobs" - Henry Ford
Henry Ford was neither a chemist nor a porn star.