everybody knows that somethins wrong...

[celticfireraven]

i can only take so much rejection...i can only handle people ignoring me for so long...and i can only handle being the second choice when it comes to a group of people to hang out with for so long....when the above keeps happening...repeatedly...its all i can do to keep myself from braking down in the middle of the sidewalk...i cant handle feeling unappreciated...and i do feel that way sometimes...and i hate it...i absolutely hate it...because it forces me to look inwardly to find out what my problem is that people feel like they can walk all over me...and i let people do it--i really do...and i keep my mouth shut because i feel liek thats what i'm supposed to do...and i can tolerate it for a while...but not when it keeps piling up...not when its coming from several people...several times a day....for severeal days at a time...its just been one person after another taking a turn to walk over me....and now it hurts...a lot...i've been invisible to most of the population for a while now...i mean--total strangers are dropping doors on me--cutting infront of me--ridiculous little shit that helps to add to the equation...point is--icing on the cake was this morning--couldnt take it any more...i've a mess all day...i really have...and people ask me whats wrong and i say nothing...know why?...because thats what a good girl does...she keeps it all inside so she can deal with it behind closed doors so no one can see...i'm sorry to anyone who was trying to cheer me up today...because there really wasnt much anyone could do anyway...so dont feel bad if you tried and failed...mind you--my costuming professor--who i've just met this semester--asked me what was wrong and how i was...and i told her i felt like eeyore...no one loves him--no one knows he's there...and you know what she said??..."you strike me as the kind of person who is a very loyal friend...and youd do anything for your friends...but when they dont do anything for you--it hurts"....and she was so friggin right i had to agree and wish her a good weekend and hurry out of there before i started crying...i hate being like this...make it go away...i'm so tired...

sorry--crappy entry...its just been one of those days...and its not over yet...i'm about to see 'horses' upstairs...and i'm really nervous...they already have the sert that consists of gates...apparantly adam is playing the character that obsessively falls in love with horses...what next?...i'm gonna walk out of there drained of all creative energy...at least--based on how the rest of my day went--thats what i'm anticipating...lets hope i have an enjoyable evening doing something interesting--instead of what i'm anticipating...staying at home alone and reading and being generally miserable...oh--and in other news--apparantly my computer needs to be brought to the lab to be fixed....great...i can afford to lose it for weeks now when everything is due...thanks...