Fic: Remains (7/?)
Title: Remains (7/?)
Author: cellochick92
Words: ~4,000
Rating: R overall
Disclaimer: Not mine. Woe.
Warning: This fic deals with abuse of all kinds involving a minor. If this is triggering for you, please don't read. It's not especially graphic yet, but it may get there.
Summary: Done for an anon prompt over at the rq_meme: Rachel finds out Quinn is being abused by her mom (Quinn's, not Shelby!) No pregnancy. Unbeta'd.
A/N: Yep. Here it is. In a slightly more timely manner...
Part One Part Two Part Three Part Four Part Five Part Six
__________________________
Okay. So once upon a time there was this fantastic fanvid set to a piano cover of the song Maps by the Yeah Yeah Yeahs...and then it got taken down. So here is the song that Quinn plays in this chapter, minus the epic fanvid (which was by sneaky_gays , in case you were wondering!)
Rachel sighed as she saw the swish of Quinn's pony tail as the blonde briskly turned the corner, heading away from the brunette as fast as she could without arousing suspicion. It had been like this all week (which, given that it was Thursday, was pretty impressive), and Rachel was starting to get fed up with the blonde's evasion tactics. She just wanted to talk to Quinn and make sure that she was all right, but she hadn't been able to get within thirty feet of the cheerleader despite all her best efforts.
Groaning in defeat, she walked into her own class and sat down, slumping in the chair. All they were doing in class was listening to other people present on a topic Rachel knew backwards and forwards (the ACLU and landmark cases), and she quickly found her thoughts straying back to a certain blonde.
It had hurt to wake up on Saturday morning to find Quinn gone, a sheet of paper left in her place, but her frustration had quickly been replaced with concern as she skimmed the contents of the note. If she closed her eyes she could see the sheet of notebook paper, covered in Quinn's loopy scrawl, as the blonde tried to explain why she had left and why she couldn't be friends with Rachel any more.
Rachel-
I am so, so sorry for everything I've done to you. I know you're probably angry at me right now since I left, but I had to- I couldn't stay after what I did. I know you were expecting to get some answers from me in the morning, and I'm sorry that the best I can offer you is a sincere apology and my intent to stay out of your life from now on.
Please, Rachel- I need you to let this be. Every time I get closer to you, you end up hurt, and I'm not going to be that person any more. I can't stand the thought that I keep causing you pain. I'm not sure I could live with myself if I hurt you again, physically or otherwise. You're the kindest, most generous and forgiving person I know, and so I hope you can find it in you to eventually forgive me. I know this must seem cruel, to have come into your life seeking friendship, only to abandon you, but it's for the best. I couldn't bear it if you ended up hurt again, and hurt is all that can come if you continue to pursue this.
I want you to be happy, Rachel, and I want you to be happy without me. I know you don't owe me anything, but please- just give me this one thing. If you are happy, I will be happy too. You're too good for this town, Rachel. It means more than you could ever know that you were so willing to take a chance on me and invite me into your life, and I wish more than anything I could take back what I've done to hurt you. I can't, though, and so the best that I can do is to promise you that I will never hurt you again, and the only way for me to keep that promise is to stay out of your life.
Be happy, Rachel. Please. That's all I really want. I'm sorry.
-Quinn
The note had just been so tragically resigned, and it made Rachel's heart ache. The sting of the blonde's departure had almost immediately been overwhelmed by a desire to better understand the cheerleader and her logic. Everything in the note hinted at the fact that Quinn's life was nowhere near as perfect as it seemed, and Rachel wondered briefly whether the girl realized that she had inadvertently acknowledged her suspicions.
It wasn't that she had been expecting Quinn to open up and share every detail about her life (though a small part of her had certainly maintained that wishful line of thinking)- she was trying to be realistic about the entire situation, and based on past precedent she had expected Quinn to want to run as far away as possible instead of trying to talk things out.
Based on this assessment, Rachel had resigned herself to a long and arduous struggle with the blonde if she had any chance of gaining her trust. Thus, Rachel had worked to come up with a plan so that if and when Quinn ran, she would be able to pursue her and at a minimum try to keep tabs on the girl's safety.
The problem, then, lay in the fact that Quinn was a good deal faster at running than Rachel had anticipated (both figuratively and literally), and the brunette had been struggling to catch up ever since she woke up to find her bed empty. As she had been thinking of potential plans when she was drifting to sleep the night before, she had considered the possibility that Quinn might refuse to answer her questions, but she hadn't banked on the blonde taking off while she was still asleep.
Stupid.
That was the word that kept popping into her mind, and Rachel was barely able to bite back a groan as she thought about it for what had to be the millionth time.
If she had just been a bit more prepared, then maybe she wouldn't have to be following Quinn around like a lost little puppy. She was honestly surprised that the blonde had been letting her get away with it; under other circumstances, she would have been doused in slushy if she took so much as a step in the cheerleader's direction.
Instead, Quinn just kept flitting away, vanishing into thin air whenever she saw Rachel. It was one of the single most infuriating things Rachel had ever witnessed, and it irked her to no end that she wasn't able to compete with the blonde's determination to evade her. Before this week, she had no idea that McKinley was filled with so many random doorways and connecting hallways. She had half a mind to track down the architect and beat them over the head with the blueprints for the building, but that would require her to take time away from tracking Quinn down, and at the rate she was going it was already going to take ten years too long.
Grumbling under her breath as the bell rang and she stood to go to her next class, she racked her brain for any idea she hadn't tried yet. As she stepped out of the classroom, her gaze landed on a certain blonde cheerleader who was leaning casually up against a row of lockers. She could have sworn a lightbulb lit up above her head as the idea hit her. This plan was nothing short of inspired genius.
“Brittany!”
As the blonde turned in her direction, Rachel saw a flash of brunette hair on the girl's other side and felt all of her elation drain away in the space of a heartbeat. Her newly concocted plan most certainly did not involve having to willingly confront Santana, and she felt her steps falter for a split second at the thought of the slushies she might be inviting upon herself. In the next moment, however, images of Quinn flashed in front of her eyes, and she steeled her resolve. If this was what had to happen in order to successfully find Quinn, so be it.
Brightening her smile just the tiniest bit, she walked up to both girls.
“Santana, Brittany- I hope your day is going well?”
Looking her up and down with an air of faint disbelief, Santana muttered, “It was until you showed up.”
Forging on, Rachel directed her attention to Brittany, who was watching her with a small smile on her face.
“I was wondering if either of you know where I might be able to locate Quinn during this hour. I have something regarding Glee that I desperately need to talk to her about.”
Brittany grinned and said, “I don't know, but you should ask S! She's way better with remembering things like that!”
Reluctantly turning back to face Santana, Rachel almost shivered at the look the latina was giving her. Waiting patiently for the brunette to decide her fate, Rachel nearly sighed with relief when the other girl shrugged and relaxed her posture a bit.
“She usually goes to the auditorium to mess around on that big grand they have in there.”
Rachel was practically bubbling with the success of her venture when the latina shot her a withering look.
“Just know that the only reason I'm telling you this is because Q expressly told me not to, and that I still harbor a deep and profound hatred of you and your fashion choices.”
Nodding hurriedly, Rachel turned and tried not to sprint in the direction of the auditorium. She was a little surprised that, out of all the rooms in the school, the blonde would choose to go there, but she figured it was best not to look a gift horse in the mouth.
As she reached the doors, she slowed her steps before coming to a stop, her hand only inches from the door. She hesitated for only a moment more before reaching out and pulling to door open. She caught it before it could slam, not wanting to do anything that might alert Quinn to her presence. When the door was safely shut, she stepped forward, keeping in the shadows. The soft notes of a piano reached her ears and she paused, just listening to the song.
She didn't think she had ever heard Quinn play before, and she idly wondered why that was as she let the notes wash over her. It was a gorgeous song, even without the blonde singing, and she tried to place where she might have heard it before.
As the last haunting notes rang in the large space, she slowly stepped out from her hiding spot and approached Quinn slowly. She hadn't been able to see the cheerleader from where she had been standing, but as she drew closer and the blonde came into view she became concerned. Quinn was hunched over the piano, and as Rachel drew nearer she saw the girl's shoulders shaking with silent sobs.
Not wanting to startle the other girl, Rachel slowly altered her course so that she ended up just slightly in front of Quinn. Kneeling on the ground in front of the piano bench, she hesitantly reached out a hand to rest lightly in Quinn's knee. The blonde stiffened slightly at the gesture, but after a long moment she relaxed, and her hand slowly came down to cover Rachel's.
Waiting to see what Quinn would do, Rachel was surprised when the blonde scooted over on the bench and tugged her up and onto it. When she was seated, she once again forced herself to remain still until Quinn sighed and leaned into her. So slowly she wasn't sure she was actually moving, Rachel let her head come to rest on Quinn's shoulder, breathing a sigh of relief when the blonde relaxed into her.
Quinn felt herself trying to rebel, but she wasn't able to jerk her body away from Rachel like her mind was screaming at her to do. Playing the piano had always been a safe place for her, a chance to work everything through and just let go. It was one of the few times where she was able to drop her guard and let her emotions come pouring out, and so when Rachel found her...well, with her walls already broken down, she was no match for the brunette's slow display of kindness and concern.
Rachel, on the other hand, had no idea why Quinn was letting this happen or why she was being so open, but she decided she would just let things go and see where they ended up. Inhaling slowly, Rachel breathed in the scent of Quinn's shampoo- some heavenly mixture that was sweet and tangy and entirely intoxicating. She let her fingers come up and gently trail a path across the cheerleader's back, drawing careful shapes as she went. The sound of the breathing was soothing, and Rachel found her eyes sliding closed against their will. It was just so peaceful, and it felt so unbelievably right to be sitting with Quinn pressed tightly against her.
The abrupt ring of a bell sent Quinn jolting upright, and Rachel found herself blinking in confusion. There was no way they had been sitting there for that long...but no, that had definitely been the bell, and so she must have been too lost in the haze of Quinn to notice the passage of time. Glancing over at the blonde, Rachel felt her heart drop as she saw the girl busying herself by packing her book bag in preparation to leave.
Standing and going over to her, Rachel reached out a hand and caught Quinn's slender fingers, tangling them with her own. Tugging gently until the blonde looked up at her, she looked beseechingly at her and asked, “Stay?”
Looking down at Rachel, Quinn felt her heart drop at the vulnerability etched across the girl's face, and despite her best efforts she felt herself nodding and slowly dropping to the floor to sit next to the brunette. She exhaled slowly, frustrated that Rachel couldn't just leave her alone and go about her own life in her perky, annoyingly enthusiastic way. She had thought that her note had made it perfectly clear that she had no interest in dragging Rachel into her life, but apparently the little diva was too dense to take a hint.
She just...couldn't bear the thought of Rachel getting hurt. There was nothing she wanted more than to protect the little brunette, to keep her safe from all the evils of the world. It wasn't even a question in Quinn's mind that Rachel would become tainted as she was tainted if she came to learn the truth about her home.
She would learn the truth, and the world would lose some of its rosy glow, and it would seem just a little bit darker and less welcoming every morning when she got out of bed. The birds would no longer be singing in an invitation of happiness, but would instead be trying to convey the warnings they lacked the words to say. Gone would be the days of innocent animal sweaters where the biggest problems of the day were slushy attacks- instead, they would be replaced by things far more sinister and real.
If Quinn was being realistic with herself, she knew that she had grown to care for Rachel. Sometime since that first night on the swings, the diva had managed to worm her way into the tattered shreds of her heart, and Quinn knew that this was only the beginning. If she let herself, she was sure that she could easily grow to feel more for Rachel, and the thought scared her. It had been so easy to keep things hidden when she never really wanted anyone, but if she were ever to try to act on her potential feelings for the brunette...things might come to light that were best kept hidden in the dark corners of her heart and mind.
She wanted, for just a little longer, to keep Rachel shielded from the harsh realities of the world, and if she had to use her own body as a shield she was more than willing. If it meant keeping that innocent, unburdened smile on Rachel's face, Quinn knew that she would shoulder whatever load she had to. She had been so convinced that the best way to accomplish that was by cutting Rachel out of her life- but clearly, that wasn't working.
A gentle squeeze of her hand brought Quinn out of her thoughts, and she looked down to see Rachel watching her closely, a worried expression on her face.
“Are you okay Quinn?”
The soft question felt like hot knives piercing her heart, but Quinn forced a smile.
“I'm fine, Rach.”
If she could just keep smiling, then nobody would notice that she was falling apart inside. If she could just maintain that perfect, happy outer facade, then maybe people would believe that she was the same perfect, happy person on the inside too. Instead of accepting her answer, though, Rachel was looking at her, looking like she saw through all of the acting and pretend.
Rachel hesitated for a moment, thinking through what she was about to say. She had a feeling that the wrong words might send Quinn running away from her again, and that was the absolute last thing that she wanted. Taking a deep breath to collect herself, she gripped Quinn's hand a little tighter before speaking.
“You know, it's okay if you're not always fine, Quinn.”
The blonde opened her mouth to contradict her, and Rachel hurried to continue before she could be interrupted.
“Even if there's not something going on, it's perfectly normal to be overwhelmed sometimes. It happens to everyone- it doesn't mean that you're weak, just that you're human like the rest of us. And...I guess I mostly just want you to know that, even if you just need to be not-fine for a few seconds, I'm here. Whatever you might need, I'm here. If you just need me to sit here and be quiet, I can do that. If you need me to sing, or talk, or- well, really, I'm here and willing to do anything you need me to. All you have to do is ask.”
Quinn sat there, processing through what the smaller girl was saying. She appreciated the sentiment, but she also knew that there was no way she could ever bring herself to ask Rachel for anything, no matter how small. Years of being told what a burden to others she was had made it impossible to reach out for help, no matter how desperately it was needed, and she silently wished that there was a way for her to convey that to Rachel.
She struggled to find the words she wanted, opening and closing her mouth several times before finding anything even remotely acceptable.
“Rachel- I don't honestly know what to say. You are just- so amazing, and I wish that there was a way to thank you for everything you're trying to do for me, but I just don't have the words. I just-”
Rachel cut her off with a gentle shake of her head, pulling Quinn closer so that she was halfway resting against the brunette's chest. It was warm and soft and so full of comfort that she felt tears spring to her eyes, and she blinked furiously to try to hold them back. It was a losing battle, and she knew that Rachel could undoubtedly feel the wetness against her neck and collarbone, but she couldn't make herself stop. The only sign the brunette gave that she was aware of the mini-breakdown was to wrap a gentle arm around Quinn and pull her closer, pressing a soft kiss to the top of her head.
Quinn knew that if she allowed this to go on, she would have to explain at least some things to Rachel, and she didn't know if she was ready to do that. At the same time, she was even less ready to give up the safety and comfort of Rachel's arms for a second time, and so she resigned herself to the awkward conversation that was sure to ensue in the near future.
For the moment, though, she just wanted to let all of her pent-up emotion drain out of her, and she stopped trying to hold everything back. Rachel pulled her so that she was sitting on the smaller girl's lap, her head buried in the crook of Rachel's neck, and all she could think of was that stupid scene in that one movie where the guy was talking about how it hurt when people touched him, how it felt like it was burning or when you got too cold and froze and then were thawing out. It felt like that, only a million times worse because she felt like she had been living as one great big frozen person, and Rachel was thawing her out in her entirety with gentle touches and soft whispers.
She felt like she was overflowing in one great big mess of feeling, and it hurt, but somehow she knew that this was a good hurt, and that if it was too much that Rachel would know and would find a way to make it stop.
That realization, that she trusted Rachel to save her, made it feel like she was burning from the inside too, and she felt great big sobs bubbling up in her throat as she thawed. If she had been frozen until now, then her tears were like the spring snow melt in the mountains, cascading down and flooding out of her eyes in droves as she cried into Rachel and the brunette held her and whispered to her and promised her that everything was going to be all right now. The smaller girl didn't even really know what was wrong, and she was still willing to promise Quinn safety and love and protection from everything bad in the world.
The thought alone was enough to being more tears rushing to Quinn's eyes, and she clung tighter to Rachel as she rode out the pain and let herself bubble over in one big mess of emotion.
Gradually, her tears slowed, but Rachel still kept murmuring soothing words and traced soft shapes on her skin. To say it was comforting was more than just an understatement- Quinn had never had anyone who was willing to just hold her and promise her that everything would be all right. All she had ever had were broken promises and threats, neither of which did anything to make her feel safe or protected like Rachel did. The thought of having someone who cared enough to take the time to hold her and comfort her was almost enough to set off another round of tears, but she held them back.
It was funny, she thought, that she felt the safest she had in possibly her entire life while in the arms of the girl who, up until the recent past, had been her most frequent target for humiliation. The irony wasn't lost on her, and it caused a quiet snicker to escape her lips. Rachel pulled back at the sound and searched her face, trying to figure out what might be funny.
Quinn shrugged at the quizzical look, sighing quietly before nuzzling back in to Rachel's neck. She didn't miss the way that the brunette's arms wrapped around her more securely, and in that moment she wished that there was a way for her to stay wrapped up in Rachel Berry's arms for the rest of time.
Unfortunately, the brunette seemed to have other ideas, and she pulled back after another moment. Sighing in defeat, Quinn met Rachel's eyes and nodded at the silent question lingering there.
“I think we should talk.”
********
So. Let me know what you thought, particularly with regards to whether you think this is too out of line with everything else that's been happening. Cause I'm really torn. Anyways. Thanks for reading!
Part Eight
Author: cellochick92
Words: ~4,000
Rating: R overall
Disclaimer: Not mine. Woe.
Warning: This fic deals with abuse of all kinds involving a minor. If this is triggering for you, please don't read. It's not especially graphic yet, but it may get there.
Summary: Done for an anon prompt over at the rq_meme: Rachel finds out Quinn is being abused by her mom (Quinn's, not Shelby!) No pregnancy. Unbeta'd.
A/N: Yep. Here it is. In a slightly more timely manner...
Part One Part Two Part Three Part Four Part Five Part Six
__________________________
Okay. So once upon a time there was this fantastic fanvid set to a piano cover of the song Maps by the Yeah Yeah Yeahs...and then it got taken down. So here is the song that Quinn plays in this chapter, minus the epic fanvid (which was by sneaky_gays , in case you were wondering!)
Click to viewRachel sighed as she saw the swish of Quinn's pony tail as the blonde briskly turned the corner, heading away from the brunette as fast as she could without arousing suspicion. It had been like this all week (which, given that it was Thursday, was pretty impressive), and Rachel was starting to get fed up with the blonde's evasion tactics. She just wanted to talk to Quinn and make sure that she was all right, but she hadn't been able to get within thirty feet of the cheerleader despite all her best efforts.
Groaning in defeat, she walked into her own class and sat down, slumping in the chair. All they were doing in class was listening to other people present on a topic Rachel knew backwards and forwards (the ACLU and landmark cases), and she quickly found her thoughts straying back to a certain blonde.
It had hurt to wake up on Saturday morning to find Quinn gone, a sheet of paper left in her place, but her frustration had quickly been replaced with concern as she skimmed the contents of the note. If she closed her eyes she could see the sheet of notebook paper, covered in Quinn's loopy scrawl, as the blonde tried to explain why she had left and why she couldn't be friends with Rachel any more.
Rachel-
I am so, so sorry for everything I've done to you. I know you're probably angry at me right now since I left, but I had to- I couldn't stay after what I did. I know you were expecting to get some answers from me in the morning, and I'm sorry that the best I can offer you is a sincere apology and my intent to stay out of your life from now on.
Please, Rachel- I need you to let this be. Every time I get closer to you, you end up hurt, and I'm not going to be that person any more. I can't stand the thought that I keep causing you pain. I'm not sure I could live with myself if I hurt you again, physically or otherwise. You're the kindest, most generous and forgiving person I know, and so I hope you can find it in you to eventually forgive me. I know this must seem cruel, to have come into your life seeking friendship, only to abandon you, but it's for the best. I couldn't bear it if you ended up hurt again, and hurt is all that can come if you continue to pursue this.
I want you to be happy, Rachel, and I want you to be happy without me. I know you don't owe me anything, but please- just give me this one thing. If you are happy, I will be happy too. You're too good for this town, Rachel. It means more than you could ever know that you were so willing to take a chance on me and invite me into your life, and I wish more than anything I could take back what I've done to hurt you. I can't, though, and so the best that I can do is to promise you that I will never hurt you again, and the only way for me to keep that promise is to stay out of your life.
Be happy, Rachel. Please. That's all I really want. I'm sorry.
-Quinn
The note had just been so tragically resigned, and it made Rachel's heart ache. The sting of the blonde's departure had almost immediately been overwhelmed by a desire to better understand the cheerleader and her logic. Everything in the note hinted at the fact that Quinn's life was nowhere near as perfect as it seemed, and Rachel wondered briefly whether the girl realized that she had inadvertently acknowledged her suspicions.
It wasn't that she had been expecting Quinn to open up and share every detail about her life (though a small part of her had certainly maintained that wishful line of thinking)- she was trying to be realistic about the entire situation, and based on past precedent she had expected Quinn to want to run as far away as possible instead of trying to talk things out.
Based on this assessment, Rachel had resigned herself to a long and arduous struggle with the blonde if she had any chance of gaining her trust. Thus, Rachel had worked to come up with a plan so that if and when Quinn ran, she would be able to pursue her and at a minimum try to keep tabs on the girl's safety.
The problem, then, lay in the fact that Quinn was a good deal faster at running than Rachel had anticipated (both figuratively and literally), and the brunette had been struggling to catch up ever since she woke up to find her bed empty. As she had been thinking of potential plans when she was drifting to sleep the night before, she had considered the possibility that Quinn might refuse to answer her questions, but she hadn't banked on the blonde taking off while she was still asleep.
Stupid.
That was the word that kept popping into her mind, and Rachel was barely able to bite back a groan as she thought about it for what had to be the millionth time.
If she had just been a bit more prepared, then maybe she wouldn't have to be following Quinn around like a lost little puppy. She was honestly surprised that the blonde had been letting her get away with it; under other circumstances, she would have been doused in slushy if she took so much as a step in the cheerleader's direction.
Instead, Quinn just kept flitting away, vanishing into thin air whenever she saw Rachel. It was one of the single most infuriating things Rachel had ever witnessed, and it irked her to no end that she wasn't able to compete with the blonde's determination to evade her. Before this week, she had no idea that McKinley was filled with so many random doorways and connecting hallways. She had half a mind to track down the architect and beat them over the head with the blueprints for the building, but that would require her to take time away from tracking Quinn down, and at the rate she was going it was already going to take ten years too long.
Grumbling under her breath as the bell rang and she stood to go to her next class, she racked her brain for any idea she hadn't tried yet. As she stepped out of the classroom, her gaze landed on a certain blonde cheerleader who was leaning casually up against a row of lockers. She could have sworn a lightbulb lit up above her head as the idea hit her. This plan was nothing short of inspired genius.
“Brittany!”
As the blonde turned in her direction, Rachel saw a flash of brunette hair on the girl's other side and felt all of her elation drain away in the space of a heartbeat. Her newly concocted plan most certainly did not involve having to willingly confront Santana, and she felt her steps falter for a split second at the thought of the slushies she might be inviting upon herself. In the next moment, however, images of Quinn flashed in front of her eyes, and she steeled her resolve. If this was what had to happen in order to successfully find Quinn, so be it.
Brightening her smile just the tiniest bit, she walked up to both girls.
“Santana, Brittany- I hope your day is going well?”
Looking her up and down with an air of faint disbelief, Santana muttered, “It was until you showed up.”
Forging on, Rachel directed her attention to Brittany, who was watching her with a small smile on her face.
“I was wondering if either of you know where I might be able to locate Quinn during this hour. I have something regarding Glee that I desperately need to talk to her about.”
Brittany grinned and said, “I don't know, but you should ask S! She's way better with remembering things like that!”
Reluctantly turning back to face Santana, Rachel almost shivered at the look the latina was giving her. Waiting patiently for the brunette to decide her fate, Rachel nearly sighed with relief when the other girl shrugged and relaxed her posture a bit.
“She usually goes to the auditorium to mess around on that big grand they have in there.”
Rachel was practically bubbling with the success of her venture when the latina shot her a withering look.
“Just know that the only reason I'm telling you this is because Q expressly told me not to, and that I still harbor a deep and profound hatred of you and your fashion choices.”
Nodding hurriedly, Rachel turned and tried not to sprint in the direction of the auditorium. She was a little surprised that, out of all the rooms in the school, the blonde would choose to go there, but she figured it was best not to look a gift horse in the mouth.
As she reached the doors, she slowed her steps before coming to a stop, her hand only inches from the door. She hesitated for only a moment more before reaching out and pulling to door open. She caught it before it could slam, not wanting to do anything that might alert Quinn to her presence. When the door was safely shut, she stepped forward, keeping in the shadows. The soft notes of a piano reached her ears and she paused, just listening to the song.
She didn't think she had ever heard Quinn play before, and she idly wondered why that was as she let the notes wash over her. It was a gorgeous song, even without the blonde singing, and she tried to place where she might have heard it before.
As the last haunting notes rang in the large space, she slowly stepped out from her hiding spot and approached Quinn slowly. She hadn't been able to see the cheerleader from where she had been standing, but as she drew closer and the blonde came into view she became concerned. Quinn was hunched over the piano, and as Rachel drew nearer she saw the girl's shoulders shaking with silent sobs.
Not wanting to startle the other girl, Rachel slowly altered her course so that she ended up just slightly in front of Quinn. Kneeling on the ground in front of the piano bench, she hesitantly reached out a hand to rest lightly in Quinn's knee. The blonde stiffened slightly at the gesture, but after a long moment she relaxed, and her hand slowly came down to cover Rachel's.
Waiting to see what Quinn would do, Rachel was surprised when the blonde scooted over on the bench and tugged her up and onto it. When she was seated, she once again forced herself to remain still until Quinn sighed and leaned into her. So slowly she wasn't sure she was actually moving, Rachel let her head come to rest on Quinn's shoulder, breathing a sigh of relief when the blonde relaxed into her.
Quinn felt herself trying to rebel, but she wasn't able to jerk her body away from Rachel like her mind was screaming at her to do. Playing the piano had always been a safe place for her, a chance to work everything through and just let go. It was one of the few times where she was able to drop her guard and let her emotions come pouring out, and so when Rachel found her...well, with her walls already broken down, she was no match for the brunette's slow display of kindness and concern.
Rachel, on the other hand, had no idea why Quinn was letting this happen or why she was being so open, but she decided she would just let things go and see where they ended up. Inhaling slowly, Rachel breathed in the scent of Quinn's shampoo- some heavenly mixture that was sweet and tangy and entirely intoxicating. She let her fingers come up and gently trail a path across the cheerleader's back, drawing careful shapes as she went. The sound of the breathing was soothing, and Rachel found her eyes sliding closed against their will. It was just so peaceful, and it felt so unbelievably right to be sitting with Quinn pressed tightly against her.
The abrupt ring of a bell sent Quinn jolting upright, and Rachel found herself blinking in confusion. There was no way they had been sitting there for that long...but no, that had definitely been the bell, and so she must have been too lost in the haze of Quinn to notice the passage of time. Glancing over at the blonde, Rachel felt her heart drop as she saw the girl busying herself by packing her book bag in preparation to leave.
Standing and going over to her, Rachel reached out a hand and caught Quinn's slender fingers, tangling them with her own. Tugging gently until the blonde looked up at her, she looked beseechingly at her and asked, “Stay?”
Looking down at Rachel, Quinn felt her heart drop at the vulnerability etched across the girl's face, and despite her best efforts she felt herself nodding and slowly dropping to the floor to sit next to the brunette. She exhaled slowly, frustrated that Rachel couldn't just leave her alone and go about her own life in her perky, annoyingly enthusiastic way. She had thought that her note had made it perfectly clear that she had no interest in dragging Rachel into her life, but apparently the little diva was too dense to take a hint.
She just...couldn't bear the thought of Rachel getting hurt. There was nothing she wanted more than to protect the little brunette, to keep her safe from all the evils of the world. It wasn't even a question in Quinn's mind that Rachel would become tainted as she was tainted if she came to learn the truth about her home.
She would learn the truth, and the world would lose some of its rosy glow, and it would seem just a little bit darker and less welcoming every morning when she got out of bed. The birds would no longer be singing in an invitation of happiness, but would instead be trying to convey the warnings they lacked the words to say. Gone would be the days of innocent animal sweaters where the biggest problems of the day were slushy attacks- instead, they would be replaced by things far more sinister and real.
If Quinn was being realistic with herself, she knew that she had grown to care for Rachel. Sometime since that first night on the swings, the diva had managed to worm her way into the tattered shreds of her heart, and Quinn knew that this was only the beginning. If she let herself, she was sure that she could easily grow to feel more for Rachel, and the thought scared her. It had been so easy to keep things hidden when she never really wanted anyone, but if she were ever to try to act on her potential feelings for the brunette...things might come to light that were best kept hidden in the dark corners of her heart and mind.
She wanted, for just a little longer, to keep Rachel shielded from the harsh realities of the world, and if she had to use her own body as a shield she was more than willing. If it meant keeping that innocent, unburdened smile on Rachel's face, Quinn knew that she would shoulder whatever load she had to. She had been so convinced that the best way to accomplish that was by cutting Rachel out of her life- but clearly, that wasn't working.
A gentle squeeze of her hand brought Quinn out of her thoughts, and she looked down to see Rachel watching her closely, a worried expression on her face.
“Are you okay Quinn?”
The soft question felt like hot knives piercing her heart, but Quinn forced a smile.
“I'm fine, Rach.”
If she could just keep smiling, then nobody would notice that she was falling apart inside. If she could just maintain that perfect, happy outer facade, then maybe people would believe that she was the same perfect, happy person on the inside too. Instead of accepting her answer, though, Rachel was looking at her, looking like she saw through all of the acting and pretend.
Rachel hesitated for a moment, thinking through what she was about to say. She had a feeling that the wrong words might send Quinn running away from her again, and that was the absolute last thing that she wanted. Taking a deep breath to collect herself, she gripped Quinn's hand a little tighter before speaking.
“You know, it's okay if you're not always fine, Quinn.”
The blonde opened her mouth to contradict her, and Rachel hurried to continue before she could be interrupted.
“Even if there's not something going on, it's perfectly normal to be overwhelmed sometimes. It happens to everyone- it doesn't mean that you're weak, just that you're human like the rest of us. And...I guess I mostly just want you to know that, even if you just need to be not-fine for a few seconds, I'm here. Whatever you might need, I'm here. If you just need me to sit here and be quiet, I can do that. If you need me to sing, or talk, or- well, really, I'm here and willing to do anything you need me to. All you have to do is ask.”
Quinn sat there, processing through what the smaller girl was saying. She appreciated the sentiment, but she also knew that there was no way she could ever bring herself to ask Rachel for anything, no matter how small. Years of being told what a burden to others she was had made it impossible to reach out for help, no matter how desperately it was needed, and she silently wished that there was a way for her to convey that to Rachel.
She struggled to find the words she wanted, opening and closing her mouth several times before finding anything even remotely acceptable.
“Rachel- I don't honestly know what to say. You are just- so amazing, and I wish that there was a way to thank you for everything you're trying to do for me, but I just don't have the words. I just-”
Rachel cut her off with a gentle shake of her head, pulling Quinn closer so that she was halfway resting against the brunette's chest. It was warm and soft and so full of comfort that she felt tears spring to her eyes, and she blinked furiously to try to hold them back. It was a losing battle, and she knew that Rachel could undoubtedly feel the wetness against her neck and collarbone, but she couldn't make herself stop. The only sign the brunette gave that she was aware of the mini-breakdown was to wrap a gentle arm around Quinn and pull her closer, pressing a soft kiss to the top of her head.
Quinn knew that if she allowed this to go on, she would have to explain at least some things to Rachel, and she didn't know if she was ready to do that. At the same time, she was even less ready to give up the safety and comfort of Rachel's arms for a second time, and so she resigned herself to the awkward conversation that was sure to ensue in the near future.
For the moment, though, she just wanted to let all of her pent-up emotion drain out of her, and she stopped trying to hold everything back. Rachel pulled her so that she was sitting on the smaller girl's lap, her head buried in the crook of Rachel's neck, and all she could think of was that stupid scene in that one movie where the guy was talking about how it hurt when people touched him, how it felt like it was burning or when you got too cold and froze and then were thawing out. It felt like that, only a million times worse because she felt like she had been living as one great big frozen person, and Rachel was thawing her out in her entirety with gentle touches and soft whispers.
She felt like she was overflowing in one great big mess of feeling, and it hurt, but somehow she knew that this was a good hurt, and that if it was too much that Rachel would know and would find a way to make it stop.
That realization, that she trusted Rachel to save her, made it feel like she was burning from the inside too, and she felt great big sobs bubbling up in her throat as she thawed. If she had been frozen until now, then her tears were like the spring snow melt in the mountains, cascading down and flooding out of her eyes in droves as she cried into Rachel and the brunette held her and whispered to her and promised her that everything was going to be all right now. The smaller girl didn't even really know what was wrong, and she was still willing to promise Quinn safety and love and protection from everything bad in the world.
The thought alone was enough to being more tears rushing to Quinn's eyes, and she clung tighter to Rachel as she rode out the pain and let herself bubble over in one big mess of emotion.
Gradually, her tears slowed, but Rachel still kept murmuring soothing words and traced soft shapes on her skin. To say it was comforting was more than just an understatement- Quinn had never had anyone who was willing to just hold her and promise her that everything would be all right. All she had ever had were broken promises and threats, neither of which did anything to make her feel safe or protected like Rachel did. The thought of having someone who cared enough to take the time to hold her and comfort her was almost enough to set off another round of tears, but she held them back.
It was funny, she thought, that she felt the safest she had in possibly her entire life while in the arms of the girl who, up until the recent past, had been her most frequent target for humiliation. The irony wasn't lost on her, and it caused a quiet snicker to escape her lips. Rachel pulled back at the sound and searched her face, trying to figure out what might be funny.
Quinn shrugged at the quizzical look, sighing quietly before nuzzling back in to Rachel's neck. She didn't miss the way that the brunette's arms wrapped around her more securely, and in that moment she wished that there was a way for her to stay wrapped up in Rachel Berry's arms for the rest of time.
Unfortunately, the brunette seemed to have other ideas, and she pulled back after another moment. Sighing in defeat, Quinn met Rachel's eyes and nodded at the silent question lingering there.
“I think we should talk.”
********
So. Let me know what you thought, particularly with regards to whether you think this is too out of line with everything else that's been happening. Cause I'm really torn. Anyways. Thanks for reading!
Part Eight