#2
We had a second miscarriage on Christmas day. I guess the one good thing about Covid is I was home and not with a bunch of family at a relative's house when it started. Natalie had already left, presents were over and we were settling down from the hustle and bustle. Could you imagine if I was anywhere but home?
We sat on the couch together while he held me and I cried, again. One of those inaudible cries. Something out of the Discovery Channel, where a mama bear loses her cub. Like that. I kept turning my head to my shoulder, slinking down in my seat, as if I could hide from what was happening. As if it was beating me in the face and I had no protection. I just had to take it.
Justin is so good though. It is like we switched roles for a bit and he's the super positive one. He always played with me and said I would be so positive and excited about so many little things. He keeps me grounded when my mind spins out of control. Maybe I can't have a baby? Maybe I have bad eggs? Maybe I have an underlying factor that we don't know about, like Diabetes or Leukemia. He'll remind me that we fertilized 2, maybe 3 eggs. And that's the hardest part.
He took me on a country drive. We were still in our pajamas. We drove through the backroads of Saratoga on Christmas day. He made me laugh, in-between bouts of tears. I silently prayed and thanked God for him. As I do, every day.
Yesterday he took me out of the house again and we stayed busy. Errands to Home Depot, shopping at 5 Below, house projects, dinner out. I only cried in the morning, before he was awake. Then once more, real quick on our errands. The physical pain was less intense this time. I could stand up and walk slowly. Last time, I was further along and had such excruciating pain for hours in our bed. This baby/egg let me shop while it...left. God, this is depressing when I look back on it.
I have to call the Dr. tomorrow. We only realized I was pregnant on 12/23. So I had les than 2 days of excitement. Since we miscarried on Christmas Day, followed by a weekend, the first business day is tomorrow. I'll call tomorrow. Depressing that I already know what to expect and it isn't so shocking, those next steps. This time I feel like I have an edge to push things further. They keep telling me I am fine, this is normal, it happens to many women. Just give it a few more months, wait a year. I am not many women though. I don't want to be an old mom.
I feel terribly guilty that I declared that "This is the worst Christmas ever." He had no response. I mean, what does one say to that? It could have been worse. I could have been full term, had a name picked out, etc. It can always be worse. And despite how terrible and negative this is, I am trying to stay POSITIVE. So, when I look back and read this, know that you were positive in this moment and even if it wavers, get it back. It could always be worse.