school journal parts...
New day! May 25, 2004. My mood’s a little better now. Still shitty, of course, but it is improving. Damn this shittiness. Oh boy… I think Kakarot’s trying to seduce my brain!! OH GODS! Now I have to…
**
Goku sat in his room, alone, and thinking. He was always alone, and on this night in particular, he was feeling a little strange. His breath was coming in little pants as he thought. An aching feeling was placed in his heart, as he ended up thinking about the prince of saiyans. Vegeta.
He closed his eyes, letting delicious images flood into his mind, making sure to imprint them and store them into a little memory box.
‘Bodies slicked together in passion and heat, hot lips pressing together, feverish skin, and sculpted muscle melded together, hands roamed, caressing hot flesh. Erections strained from teasing, wet mouths and playful strokes.’
The saiyan shuddered in delight as the wonderful images graced his corrupted mind.
“Vegeta…” he whispered. Get a hold of yourself! You know you can’t have him.
He couldn’t stand it anymore, and he ran his hands over his chest, breathing heavily. Goku brushed his fingers over his muscled stomach, outlining them. He slowly slid them down, past his stomach, and right below his pant waist. His eyes turned to slits as he slid his boxers down, and he lightly touched his already hard erection. He imagined that they were Vegeta’s touches, not his.
Grasping it fully, he began to stroke himself. Lightly squeezing it, as he rubbed his thumb on the cock tip. He gasped at his own actions, and panted hard. His other hand ran over his chest again, and slid down to caress the inside of his legs.
Suddenly, he felt something fuzzy brush heavy sacs. His eyes snapped open, and he grinned as he forgot about his tail. He brought it up to his nose and sniffed it. Yes, it had been a couple of weeks since this grew back. Goku thought about how he could use it in his pleasurable mood. Slowly he lowered the appendage and wrapped it around his straining erection, and bristled it.
The actions sent tiny shivers down his spine, and he squeezed his aching cock with his tail. His head thrust back, and his hands went above his head as his tail continued to please him.
Goku brought his tail up to his lips, and parted them, and slid the tail tip in, sucking lightly, coating it with his saliva. Spreading his legs he brought the tail down and positioned it at his entrance.
Breaking heavily, he slowly pushed the tip into his virgin entrance. Gasping, he crammed a fist into his mouth to keep himself quiet. He couldn’t let anyone hear him. Especially Chi-Chi. Gods, they’d be disgusted with him. He pushed the tail in farther, letting it hit that certain spot inside of him.
He muffled a moan as he began to pull the appendage out, and then thrust it back in again. Tears built at the back of his eyes, threatening to fall. He didn’t care anymore; he just needed to let go. The saiyan moaned again as his tail tip hit that bundle of nerves inside. Oh Gods! One of his hands reached down and began to stroke his erection feverishly. The double simulation was a little much for him, because he whipped his head to the side and muffled his scream as he came painfully. His seed coating his hand and on his perfect stomach, He gasped for breath that would not fill his desperate lungs, chest heaving. He pulled his tail from his entrance and noticed a sticky substance that soaked it. Oh well, it didn’t matter.
He closed his eyes as he regained a steady breathing rhythm, and sleep soon came for him.
“Vegeta….” He whispered again.
~*~
That bastard Kakarot! *Grumbles* He just had to do that to me! Oh but of course!!!! I’m actually pleased how it came out. ^_^ It’s my first masturbation scene!! YAY!!!! I’ve always wanted to write one, but I never found the words!
Night Wish:
Wanderlust
I want to see where the sirens sing
Hear how the wolves howl
Sail the dead calm waters of the Pacific
Dance in the fields of coral
Be blinded by the white
Discover the deepest jungle
I want to find The Secret Path
A bird delivered into my heart, so
It’s not the end
Not the kingdom come
It is the journey that matters, the distant wanderer
Call of the wild
In me forever and ever and ever forever
Wanderlust
I want to love by the Blue Lagoon
Kiss under the waning moon
Straying, claiming my place in this mortal coil
Riding the dolphins
Asking the mountains
Dreaming Alaska
The Earth can have but Earth
I want to find...
It’s not the end...
Drown into my eyes and see the wanderer
See the mirrors of a wolf behold the pathfinder
Wish master
Master!
Apprentice!
Heart borne, 7th Seeker
Warrior!
Disciple!
In me the Wish master
Elbereth
Lorien
A dreamy-eyed child staring into night
On a journey to storyteller`s mind
Whispers a wish speaks with the stars the words are silent in him
Distant sigh from a lonely heart
"I’ll be with you soon, my Shalafi"
Grey Havens my destiny
Master!...
Silvara
Starbreeze
Sla-Mori the one known only by Him
To august realms, the sorcery within
If you hear the call of arcane lore,
Your world shall rest on Earth no more
A maiden elf calling with her cunning song
"Meet me at the Inn of Last Home"
Heart borne will find the way!
Master!...
Wish master
Crusade for Your will
A child, dream finder
The Apprentice becoming...
Master!...
That’s another song that like by them. Well it’s almost time to leave, so I’m going to start closing. Just found one of my favorite songs by “London After Midnight” WOOHOO!
*~*
May 26, 2004. Jeff is here today, and he’s acting like a fucking baby. My God! I have now come to the conclusion that I am more of a man than he his!!!! JESUS CHRIST! This is pissing me off!! AHHH!! FUCKER!!! This is why I hate men. All of them, every single last one of them. Well, except Ian, but he was nice, and wasn’t like the rest of them. Sure he could be an ass sometimes, but he wasn’t all fucking cry, cry, and pity fucking me! *Shakes head* How pathetic.
Another saiyan song:
Aphrodisiac:
Take an a-a-aphrodisiac, don't do no-no-nothing, just relax
Your ha-ha-heart goes piddle-pat, take an a-a-aphrodisiac
If you want to fall in love with somebody
Somebody that you're not in love with at all
With an a-a-a-aphrodisiac, your ha-ha-heart goes piddle-pat
Don't do nothing, just relax with an a-a-aphrodisiac
If you want to fall in love with somebody - hey
Somebody that you're not in love with at all
Exciting you, just make you love me too
Somebody that you're not in love with at all
I'm your a-a-a-aphrodisiac, don't do nothing, just relax
Gives you a a a heartattack, just take your clothes off, this is overjack
If you want to fall in love with somebody
Somebody that you're not in love with at all
Take an a-a-a-aphrodisiac, don't do no-no-nothing, just relax
Elephants is unagreed, wo-wo-wo-wor to succeed
A-a-aphrodisiac, gives you a a a heartattack
Don't do nothing, just relax, I'll be your aphrodisiac
Don't do nothing, just relax, with an a-a-aphrodisiac
Bile
In League
Pretty boy with a gun, bang- bang, fun- fun.
Pretty girl with a knife, watch your back it's your wife!
Heroin, load my gun, shoot- shoot, fun- fun.
Pretty girl on ecstasy, now she wants to fuck me.
We are the dead,
we are in league,
we are the doctors of low self esteem.
We do it wrong,
we don't believe,
we are the congress of the new disease.
Pretty thing with no head, that's OK, better off dead!
Warm blood everywhere, shave off all my hair!
Pretty girl, what's she worth?
Stick it where it really hurts!
Government experiment, welcome to my accident.
We are the dead,
We are in league,
We are the doctors of low self-esteem.
We do it wrong,
We don't believe,
We are the congress of the new disease.
We are the dead,
We are in league,
we are the doctors of low self esteem.
We do it wrong,
And we have no fear,
We are the antis of all you hold dear.
Social disease, down on your knees.
Covered in fleas, give me a freeze.
I am a clown, I am disgrace.
It's always thrown up in my face.
Through ignorance, I always fight.
Better face it, I'm always right.
We are the dead,
we are in league,
we are the doctors of low self esteem.
We do it wrong,
we don't believe,
we are the congress of the new disease...
Raditz walked into the crowded building, skimming the saiyans he passed. A smirk rose upon his lips as he saw who he searched for. Little brother was here. This was Kakarot’s first party, and he’d enjoy it as much as he could.
Striding over, he grabbed two drinks that sat upon a table for people to freely take.
His brother smirked at him, as Raditz handed him his drink. Raditz leaned in, and called into Kakarot’s ear loud enough for him to hear him over the extremely loud music.
“You liken’ the party, brother?”
“Of course I am Raditz! This is kick ass!” With that he roared into the crowed, which set off some of the other saiyans, which were probably drunk.
Suddenly the lights went off, and a huge strobe light came down from the ceiling, and a new song started. Electric guitars blared, and a man’s deep voice shouted out lyrics. The crowd on the dance floor began to shift, as some of the saiyans began to start a mosh pit, including everyone they could.
“The erotic pleasures of woman…. And men…”
A saiyan woman stood on a plat form, naked, high above the crowd, her long hair braided down her back. Her slim body moved to the beat of the drums, her body scarred by knives and other weapons, done on purpose. Her tail was shaved from the base up on only one side, and piercings of two 8 inch barbed gages thread through the top of the tail.
Aside from the woman, a man stood in a cage, wearing only leather pants, with a clearly noticeable clothed erection, and spiked boots. His head was shaved into a mo-hawk. One side of him had ancient tribal tattoos down his body, and on the other side he was pierced with all kinds of silver gages. His tail thrashed about wildly, letting the owner have no control.
“Who is the irresistible creature who has sensational love for the dead…?”
Raditz had slipped a little pill in Kakarot’s drink, and luckily it had dissolved quickly, and had no sent. Oh yes, it was time for his little brother to know what it meant to be out in parties like these. He watched as Kakarot drowned the drink, and the pill, which was an aphrodisiac, taking control all ready.
Kakarot looked dazed, and almost stumbled over, but his brother was there to catch his fall.
“I feel funny, Rad…” He said huskily.
Raditz purred into his ear, and wrapped his arms around the slim waist. Tail wrapping around Kakarot’s, lightly ruffling the fur together.
The young saiyan moaned in pleasure as his tail was stroked and teased by his brother’s thick third appendage.
Radtiz carried the saiyan out of the building in his arms. A small smirk clung to his lips as he reached his destination. He stretched out a hand and sent a ki blast into a small hotel window, and floated inside, still holding Kakarot.
He set the smaller saiyan down, back facing his front.
“Raditz?” Kakarot called out groggily. He felt his brother’s large hands come around and hold him around his waist again. He leaned against the larger form, and titled his head on Raditz’s shoulder, mouth parted slightly panting.
“Hm?” Raditz began, slowly, caressing Kakarot’s stomach; those perfect, but not yet well sculpted abs. He smirked as he heard a little gasp escape his brother’s mouth. The taller saiyan slid his hands down into Kakarot’s clothed navel, fingering the hidden skin, and slowly inched down to cup the already hard erection of his brother.
Raditz rubbed the bulge, making it even harder, if that was possible. Kakarot gasped again as he tried to capture some air into his burning lungs. His hands went to his brother’s torturing hands, and grasped them tightly.
“O-oh Gods!” Kakarot rasped, eyes snapping shut has pure ecstasy hit him like title waves. He thrust his hips forward, bucking into his brother’s large hands. His hands went around the tousled head, and grabbed fists full of ebony spikes.
The older saiyan began to lick and nibble at Kakarot’s ear lob, licking the shell of his ear, as his hands continued to torture the bulge in his brother’s thin spandex pants. The manned saiyan slipped his fingers into the blue navy waistband of his Kakarot’s pants, and massaged the sensitive hot skin.
Radtiz grabbed the throbbing erection, and slowly stroked the length, squeezing at the base, then moving up to the top pinching the flared head.
“RADITZ!” Kakarot chocked out, and bucked his hips wildly, trying to create more friction. “P-please!” he begged.
The older saiyan rocked his hips up against the firm ass of his brother, rubbing his impressive length between fat ass cheeks. He kissed the exposed neck, licking and nipping, while stroking in full solid movements, up and down the pulsing shaft.
With a roaring scream, Kakarot came forcefully, and hard in Raditz’s hands, covering them with his white creamy essence, panting and heaving his chest, desperate for air.
~*~
Ah shit, I’m stuck. LOL! I want to continue this little lemon of course, but well… yeah… I’m becoming very, very fond of Radtiz! And hot damn if he’s gonna do that than HELL YES!! LET HIM FUCKING COME AND LET ME WRITE THOSE DELICIOUS LEMONS!! YAY!! ^___^ I want to practice my lemon scenes anyways, so this is GOOD!! REALLY GOOD!!!
Hanuman- The Monkey King.
BWAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!! FEEL THE SEXINESS OF RADITZU!!!! HAHAHHHHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!!!!!!!! That man is sexah!
“Vic Du Shiesha Koph.”
German for:
“Fuck you shit head.”
HHHAHAHAHAHAHHA!!!!!!!!!!
Oi it’s time to leave! YAY!!!!!!!!!!
See ya!
*~*
May 27, 2004
DAMNIT! I hate fucking lyric sites! I have to find a good one that won’t have all those damned pop ups and shit! CURSES!!! Anyways, I wanted to welcome Raditz to the muse group!! Kakarot was so thrilled when Raditz came!! ^_^ I love that big burly saiyan!!
“The erotic pleasures of sayians” HAHAH!! Aye that’s Kakarotto, Raditzu, Turless, Bardock, Vegeta, Vegetann, Humoz, and Brolli!!!! *Dies* OH MY GOD!!!! Mama… and Sage cub… *purrs happily* Yeah, they’re all just so perfect!
The thing that strikes me about Raditz is how I’ve become so fond of him. He’s so big and looks so tough and rough, but really he’s nothing but a cub caring brokenhearted saiyan. I picture him being neglected by Vegeta’s love, and he suffers and dwells on his brief and short time with the prince. And Raditz only has his brothers and his Tousan to rely on, and help raise this cub he hides from Vegeta. I love that big burly saiyan!!!!!!
Kill Hannah
A New Heart for Christmas:
Navy Pier at Christmas
You can go at 3am there will be no one
The Ferris wheel still turns
As though its a popular attraction still
And when this songs slowly play
Through the old broken PA
A new heart for Christmas
Ahh new heart for Christmas
She Needs a new heart for Christmas
"Cause you broke it all Apart
Put it back together Again"
Strange holiday mannequins still move
As though someone was watching besides me
There joints are rusty,
they chirp like inside
there’s something alive
oh no- somehow it strikes me
I need a new heart for Christmas{y heart now
Cause you broke it all apart
put it back together again
you hit me oh so hard
put me back together again
Kennedy:
I wanna be a Kennedy
I wanna be a big heartbreaker
Live fast and for read
And you can follow it in the papers
I wanna be a Kennedy
I wanna shake hands with heroes
And kiss the girls of centerfolds on the tongue
And die young
I'll be brave tonight
Either live or die
I'll be brave tonight
Standing tall and bright
Such romantic eyes
Got me hypnotized
And if I had my chance I'd never let you go
And if I had my chance I'd never let you go
I wanna be a Kennedy
I wanna be tall and handsome
I'd conquer the world
And you'd see it on television
If I could be a Kennedy
If I could be a real heartbreaker
I'd watch you crash into my arms
We're the stars under the barrel of a gun
We die young
I'll be brave tonight
Standing tall and bright
Such romantic eyes
Got me hypnotized
And if I had my chance I'd never let you go
And if I had my chance I'd never let you go
Ten More Minutes with you:
I don’t know who you are
but right now, you're breaking my heart
and I don’t know where you are
but like a bird you lift me up to the stars
now I’m feeling alive for the first time
here's hoping this day won't end
I don’t know, man, what to do
I don’t care
I need ten more minutes with you
i don’t know who you are
but just one look and I’m hooked from the start
now I’m falling apart
it's what we get for falling in love
now I’m gonna explode for the first time
here's hoping this pain will end
I don’t know, man what to do
I don’t care
I need ten more minutes with you
do do do do
do do do do
I’m living for ten more minutes
Raining All The Time:
She fell like a meteor
on to the planet
and said, "your world, it brings me down.
I feel like an animal and
I don't think I get it but
one day I’ll make you proud."
it's raining all the time
I’ll need you by my side
when I leave it all behind
she crashed like an atom bomb
and said, "we can't live forever.
One day I’ll see you around.
I dreamt that we disappeared, so
I just gotta do it
so no one can touch me now."
it's raining all the time
I’ll need you by my side
when I leave it all behind
she said:
I HATE THE RAIN
but here it comes again
Boys and Girls:
Baby, baby, baby, baby, baby, baby, baby, baby...
She wants to go fast
And never come back
And never collapse
And he's a real animal
Gone out of control
Who'd rather die young than get old
Baby, baby, baby, baby, baby, baby, baby, baby...
Boys and girls they dance like it's the end of the world
Boys and girls they dance, dance, dance
Boys and girls they dance like it's the end of the world
Boys and girls they dance, dance, dance
Baby, baby, baby, baby, baby, baby, baby, baby...
She's in designer jeans
On amphetamines
And wants you badly
And he's a real cannibal and suicidal
Or have we gone heavy metal?
Baby, baby, baby, baby, baby, baby, baby, baby...
Boys and girls they dance like it's the end of the world
Boys and girls they dance, dance, dance
Boys and girls they dance like it's the end of the world
Boys and girls they dance, dance, dance
Boys and girls they dance like it's the end
Boys and girls they dance like it's the end
Boys and girls they dance like it's the end
Boys and girls girls girls girls
From Now On
we collided head-on
and they said that we would not live very long
i knew you were my love
but they laughed 'cos
we were just too young to know
FROM NOW ON I’ll wait here for you
FROM NOW ON I’m waiting for you
you tore me apart
broke all of my bones
and shot right through my heart
i always used to pretend
that the hero really gets the girl in the end
FROM NOW ON I’ll wait here for you
FROM NOW ON I’m waiting for you
but tonight,
I’m crazy like a teenage dream!
alive, but buried now or so it seems!
Surprise! (Don’t cover your eyes)
Oi, I thought this sounded VERY saiyan:
“WAR IS PEACE, FREEDOM IS SLAVERY, IGNORANCE IS STRENGTH!!!”
Aye I read that on the back of one of Jeff’s notes to me. I was like OMG! That’s so Saiyan!! AHHHH!!!!!!
Oh now I feel all mushy. Jeff is having a little bit of a hard time handling with some things, and I’m trying to help him. And of course, it’s about love. -_- something that I have let slip past my fingers many-a-times
The other day I did see my love though! I was so happy to see her; I thought I’d bawl my eyes out in front of her!!! LOL! Laurie. Gods I love that woman so much, that it hurts my soul to know that I will never be able to cherish and love her the way that I want to. And now, my love is being tormented and thrown out by Dave. Curse him to the bottomless pits of Hell! She cried in my arms, and thanked me. I will always be there for her, and Gods do I pray for her to let her know that. She is my only love, my love that I will never have. I feel so complete with her by my side, so safe and comforted. Her scent fills my nose every time she comes by me, every time we touch, whether it be physically or mentally. I love the way her skin feels under my hands, and I would please her. Let her know that she is wanted, and she is loved. I do not like to see her in pain and I do not like to feel her sadness that drips off of her. I’m happy that she is going to go live with Amy though. May the Gods bring you light Laurie love. But Please do not tip over the edge just yet. Hold on, you’re almost there. I love you, and I will always be there for you.
On a happier note:
Apparently hot girls don’t shit. Ye know, poop their brains out. LMFAO!!!!! *Snickers* I don’t know, but the guy that sits next to me says that girls don’t shit. *Shakes head* Last time I checked I did… *cracks up laughing*
It’s time to go…
*~*
Today’s June 1, 2004. I have ten days left to complete everything. I don’t think that I can do it. Here is a letter that I wrote to Jeff, explaining some stuff:
Jeff,
Excuse me for venting on you. But I’m tired of everyone’s shit! This fucking sucks! Especially when my dad is always telling me how ungrateful I am, and how I’m always going to fail, and I never take school seriously, so I’m going to fail. I’m just tired of everything. I work my friggin’ ass off at work, in the fucking HEAT, and then I have maybe two hours of break before I have to clean SOMETHING at home, and then head off to school. So tired… of everything. I can’t do anything but sit there and listen to my dad bicker, while he’s fucking drunk, and ranting and screaming at me. Then he pisses mom off, and then she pisses my sister off. Oh this is just one big fucking happy family!!! Jesus fucking Christ!!
AND to make even more matters fucking worse, is fucking school!! Do you have any idea how fucking much I’m fucking stressing about this shit??!? NO YOU DO NOT!!! Technically I didn’t finish the 8th grade. I was home schooled, as you know. But I was too much of a fucking slacker to do anything. I didn’t have any self-motivation!! I STILL don’t! It frustrates me to no fucking end, and it mocks me!! HE MOCKS ME DAMNIT!!! So now, since there is no fucking summer school here, I’ll be held back! Well peachy fucking keens!! It depresses me to even think about it. I’m nothing but a fucking failure, that’s all I’ll ever fucking be. Damnit, now I’m fucking getting all fucking teary eyed.
The days go by, and by. Nothing is said nothing is to be done. My world is dissolving into bleakness. Everything is so... gone. I have no friends. I have no companions. Hate fills my heart. Ugliness fills my brain. Nothing is real anymore. I am nothing. Am I really that lost? I'm no longer afraid. Afraid of what? Life. Life is to be afraid of, and I am no longer afraid... of life.
Sometimes I think what it would be like to burn, or to be in a situation where I can't do anything, but die. The only road. Is to die.
I feel ugly. I am ugly, yet so beautiful at the same time. Why? I don't know. I have yet to find that answer. I have yet to find my destiny, and I have yet to find myself. This is not. This is not me. I am not like this. Or am I? Is it because I can feel again? Where the pain seeps through my chest, and pounds on my heart. I close up. I can't do anything except watch.
Bored. Just bored. I have no life, and so it's boring. Again, I have no friends, and am left in the darkness. Things have come to be. Can I stop them? That is for the future, I think. Perhaps. Perhaps not. I am yet again, nothing. I feel nothing. Yet I feel pain. Is that something? What pain is this?
Pain of Loneliness.
That is my pain. That pain fills every inch of my body, and I have not figured out a way to prevent it. Why? I don't know. So many questions, and all paths lead to "why". Why this? Why that? Why do I?
I feel my control slipping away. My self control. It's going for a little trip, how long is for no one to know. Not even me. Little thoughts of evil sink into my mind, craving something beyond torture.
To scourge, simply means to whip.
I want to cry, but the tears won't come. I wish to cry, but they still do not come. They don't fall; they just sit threaten me to spill over. I feel that lump in my throat, that makes me think to cry, and yet, they still do not come. I have not cried for a while now. Perhaps it is normal.
My control is slipping. I'm going to hurt them. I can feel it. Whenever I think of a tiny evil little thought, it spreads through out my body, and to my fingertips and it tingles my nerves, and gets me all excited. I don't like them it makes me feel dirty. Dirty and vile, disgusting even. I am disgusting…. But I can't help but dream of them. Think of what would happen if it did happen. What then? It strokes the fire in my belly, and I long to live it out. To feel their lifeless bodies in my hands, to watch their eyes roll up into their heads. But I know that that is inhuman, and I cannot do such a thing. To do something like that, would mean for me to be damned.
The other day I had an evil thought. I had thought of what it would be like to capture a little child, and disembowel him. Again those same feelings forth, running on electricity and adrenalin. Pulsing through my veins. I felt… almost alive. I wanted to scream! That hate that filled me, those dirty thoughts that invaded me. They violated me, raped me of my conscience. It scares me.
I guess I really am ungrateful, aren’t I? It doesn’t matter. Sorry for all of this trouble.
Robin
That’s the first letter. He wrote me back, and here’s the second letter I wrote to him:
Jeff,
I’m sorry. And you’re right. You are my friend, and thank you. I don’t have a lot friends either. However, before I came here, I really didn’t have any friends. Nikki was my only friend, and she left me for her boyfriend. She had thought that I hated her so she said why should she hang out with someone like that? When in truth, I loved her to death. She was my only true friend that knew everything, and understood me, my best, and only friend. And then you came. I’m glad you had talked to me. Even though that I had hung out with those other kids, they were just acquaintances that would have only lasted a day. But you were kind enough to actually talk to me, and not just for a day.
When I used to go to Middle School, I was actually hated. I was a shadow to Nikki. One that only followed her around, because she was too much of a fucking loner to make her own friends and stand up for herself. That was me. I was made fun of all the time. The joke in the little “clique.” The stupid one.
It is hard to believe that I have someone that believes in me. My father doesn’t think that I can do anything. I want to be an Aviarian Vet, someone who medicates birds if you have forgotten. I have already told you my goal. And no one thinks I can do it. I understand that yes you have to do all this school, get good grades, and be excepted in a good collage, and then be able to get into Vet School. It’s a big picture, and I realize that I’m only looking at one piece to the puzzle, and I don’t think it’s the right one either. It’s hard believing when no one believes in you, and when you yourself do not have any self-motivation. Now, with all this school… it seems impossible.
It is also hard to think positive when you are surrounded by negative energy. I rarely get positive energy from my parents, so it is hard. Always fighting. Although, I do understand where you’re coming from. These feelings that I get do not last for very long. They seem like they last for about maybe a minute at the very latest, and then they vanish. It happens so fast I hardly know what I’m thinking of, and I cannot convert over to the positive side. They die as soon as they are born. It is the same with the conversations that I hear. Do you ever hear, out in the blue, people talking? I mean when no one is around, and it kind of sounds far away, but then it’s right next to you. I know that makes no sense, but I hear these voices all the time. I can tell that they are outside voices, not inside like you can hear them inside of your head, but when you and I would be talking sitting right next to each other. That’s what it’s like, only it sounds sort of faint, like distant almost, but very clear. However, these conversations, when they happen they go just as fast as they speak. Once the conversation is done, I will get a very discrete image of the two people that were talking in the conversation, and their where a bouts, and then they’re gone. It seems like a dream. When you wake from a dream you can faintly remember it, and then it fades away like a past memory.
I talked to my mom about it, and she suggested it could be spirit channeling. Heh, I tend to do that a lot without even realizing I’m doing it. The hard thing about it is to be able to control that. Like Necromancy, I do that with no trouble at all. Seeing spirits is actually kind of normal for me. Sorry, I’m rambling, the letter really helped bring me out of the shittiness of my mood. I had a perfectly good day until dad came home, and he just ruined everything. He then wonders why I’m always so mad at him, and won’t really talk to him. BECAUSE YOU MAKE ME FEEL STUPID!!! I want to scream that at him SO badly! But I don’t have enough balls to do that -_- it’s only because I know what he’d say. He’d brush the subject off, when it hurts me so fucking badly. Well, fuck him them. Bastard!
Thanks Jeff, that little letter helped me, and I know I need to stop acting like a fucking baby and get on with it. I’ve been dealing with it for God only knows how long, so I guess I can take more, before I break.
Robin
PS> I’m actually going to sit this little snack session out. I kind of want to be by myself, and not want to talk with my mouth. Sorry about that. Haven’t been very talkative today at all though. I hate mood swings…
I meant to put something else in the “PS” but I forgot. Damn, Well, my mood is doing a little better though. With that letter and stuff. He probably thinks I’m insane.
Gods I’m dying to make a freaking SSj4 Kakarot+Vegeta shounen-ai or yaoi fic!! DAMNIT! I’m just not ready yet, no not ready…
I really miss Talon-mum… I want to talk to her so badly!! I saw her log on today when I came home from work, but I didn’t want to disturb her, because I think she was RPING with Manawolf or something.
Just told Jeff that I’ve been exposed to skin cancer. I have to be careful now, since I work outside and stuff. CURSES!! My grandma Nath has had various blotches of skin cancer, and luckily she got them removed. I think it shocked Jeff a little bit.
I just realized how bad Talon-mum’s disease is. I just read about it. It’s called Ulcerative colitis. How awful! I’ll defiantly have to wish her good lucks and send kisses!
Time to go!
*~*
**
Goku sat in his room, alone, and thinking. He was always alone, and on this night in particular, he was feeling a little strange. His breath was coming in little pants as he thought. An aching feeling was placed in his heart, as he ended up thinking about the prince of saiyans. Vegeta.
He closed his eyes, letting delicious images flood into his mind, making sure to imprint them and store them into a little memory box.
‘Bodies slicked together in passion and heat, hot lips pressing together, feverish skin, and sculpted muscle melded together, hands roamed, caressing hot flesh. Erections strained from teasing, wet mouths and playful strokes.’
The saiyan shuddered in delight as the wonderful images graced his corrupted mind.
“Vegeta…” he whispered. Get a hold of yourself! You know you can’t have him.
He couldn’t stand it anymore, and he ran his hands over his chest, breathing heavily. Goku brushed his fingers over his muscled stomach, outlining them. He slowly slid them down, past his stomach, and right below his pant waist. His eyes turned to slits as he slid his boxers down, and he lightly touched his already hard erection. He imagined that they were Vegeta’s touches, not his.
Grasping it fully, he began to stroke himself. Lightly squeezing it, as he rubbed his thumb on the cock tip. He gasped at his own actions, and panted hard. His other hand ran over his chest again, and slid down to caress the inside of his legs.
Suddenly, he felt something fuzzy brush heavy sacs. His eyes snapped open, and he grinned as he forgot about his tail. He brought it up to his nose and sniffed it. Yes, it had been a couple of weeks since this grew back. Goku thought about how he could use it in his pleasurable mood. Slowly he lowered the appendage and wrapped it around his straining erection, and bristled it.
The actions sent tiny shivers down his spine, and he squeezed his aching cock with his tail. His head thrust back, and his hands went above his head as his tail continued to please him.
Goku brought his tail up to his lips, and parted them, and slid the tail tip in, sucking lightly, coating it with his saliva. Spreading his legs he brought the tail down and positioned it at his entrance.
Breaking heavily, he slowly pushed the tip into his virgin entrance. Gasping, he crammed a fist into his mouth to keep himself quiet. He couldn’t let anyone hear him. Especially Chi-Chi. Gods, they’d be disgusted with him. He pushed the tail in farther, letting it hit that certain spot inside of him.
He muffled a moan as he began to pull the appendage out, and then thrust it back in again. Tears built at the back of his eyes, threatening to fall. He didn’t care anymore; he just needed to let go. The saiyan moaned again as his tail tip hit that bundle of nerves inside. Oh Gods! One of his hands reached down and began to stroke his erection feverishly. The double simulation was a little much for him, because he whipped his head to the side and muffled his scream as he came painfully. His seed coating his hand and on his perfect stomach, He gasped for breath that would not fill his desperate lungs, chest heaving. He pulled his tail from his entrance and noticed a sticky substance that soaked it. Oh well, it didn’t matter.
He closed his eyes as he regained a steady breathing rhythm, and sleep soon came for him.
“Vegeta….” He whispered again.
~*~
That bastard Kakarot! *Grumbles* He just had to do that to me! Oh but of course!!!! I’m actually pleased how it came out. ^_^ It’s my first masturbation scene!! YAY!!!! I’ve always wanted to write one, but I never found the words!
Night Wish:
Wanderlust
I want to see where the sirens sing
Hear how the wolves howl
Sail the dead calm waters of the Pacific
Dance in the fields of coral
Be blinded by the white
Discover the deepest jungle
I want to find The Secret Path
A bird delivered into my heart, so
It’s not the end
Not the kingdom come
It is the journey that matters, the distant wanderer
Call of the wild
In me forever and ever and ever forever
Wanderlust
I want to love by the Blue Lagoon
Kiss under the waning moon
Straying, claiming my place in this mortal coil
Riding the dolphins
Asking the mountains
Dreaming Alaska
The Earth can have but Earth
I want to find...
It’s not the end...
Drown into my eyes and see the wanderer
See the mirrors of a wolf behold the pathfinder
Wish master
Master!
Apprentice!
Heart borne, 7th Seeker
Warrior!
Disciple!
In me the Wish master
Elbereth
Lorien
A dreamy-eyed child staring into night
On a journey to storyteller`s mind
Whispers a wish speaks with the stars the words are silent in him
Distant sigh from a lonely heart
"I’ll be with you soon, my Shalafi"
Grey Havens my destiny
Master!...
Silvara
Starbreeze
Sla-Mori the one known only by Him
To august realms, the sorcery within
If you hear the call of arcane lore,
Your world shall rest on Earth no more
A maiden elf calling with her cunning song
"Meet me at the Inn of Last Home"
Heart borne will find the way!
Master!...
Wish master
Crusade for Your will
A child, dream finder
The Apprentice becoming...
Master!...
That’s another song that like by them. Well it’s almost time to leave, so I’m going to start closing. Just found one of my favorite songs by “London After Midnight” WOOHOO!
*~*
May 26, 2004. Jeff is here today, and he’s acting like a fucking baby. My God! I have now come to the conclusion that I am more of a man than he his!!!! JESUS CHRIST! This is pissing me off!! AHHH!! FUCKER!!! This is why I hate men. All of them, every single last one of them. Well, except Ian, but he was nice, and wasn’t like the rest of them. Sure he could be an ass sometimes, but he wasn’t all fucking cry, cry, and pity fucking me! *Shakes head* How pathetic.
Another saiyan song:
Aphrodisiac:
Take an a-a-aphrodisiac, don't do no-no-nothing, just relax
Your ha-ha-heart goes piddle-pat, take an a-a-aphrodisiac
If you want to fall in love with somebody
Somebody that you're not in love with at all
With an a-a-a-aphrodisiac, your ha-ha-heart goes piddle-pat
Don't do nothing, just relax with an a-a-aphrodisiac
If you want to fall in love with somebody - hey
Somebody that you're not in love with at all
Exciting you, just make you love me too
Somebody that you're not in love with at all
I'm your a-a-a-aphrodisiac, don't do nothing, just relax
Gives you a a a heartattack, just take your clothes off, this is overjack
If you want to fall in love with somebody
Somebody that you're not in love with at all
Take an a-a-a-aphrodisiac, don't do no-no-nothing, just relax
Elephants is unagreed, wo-wo-wo-wor to succeed
A-a-aphrodisiac, gives you a a a heartattack
Don't do nothing, just relax, I'll be your aphrodisiac
Don't do nothing, just relax, with an a-a-aphrodisiac
Bile
In League
Pretty boy with a gun, bang- bang, fun- fun.
Pretty girl with a knife, watch your back it's your wife!
Heroin, load my gun, shoot- shoot, fun- fun.
Pretty girl on ecstasy, now she wants to fuck me.
We are the dead,
we are in league,
we are the doctors of low self esteem.
We do it wrong,
we don't believe,
we are the congress of the new disease.
Pretty thing with no head, that's OK, better off dead!
Warm blood everywhere, shave off all my hair!
Pretty girl, what's she worth?
Stick it where it really hurts!
Government experiment, welcome to my accident.
We are the dead,
We are in league,
We are the doctors of low self-esteem.
We do it wrong,
We don't believe,
We are the congress of the new disease.
We are the dead,
We are in league,
we are the doctors of low self esteem.
We do it wrong,
And we have no fear,
We are the antis of all you hold dear.
Social disease, down on your knees.
Covered in fleas, give me a freeze.
I am a clown, I am disgrace.
It's always thrown up in my face.
Through ignorance, I always fight.
Better face it, I'm always right.
We are the dead,
we are in league,
we are the doctors of low self esteem.
We do it wrong,
we don't believe,
we are the congress of the new disease...
Raditz walked into the crowded building, skimming the saiyans he passed. A smirk rose upon his lips as he saw who he searched for. Little brother was here. This was Kakarot’s first party, and he’d enjoy it as much as he could.
Striding over, he grabbed two drinks that sat upon a table for people to freely take.
His brother smirked at him, as Raditz handed him his drink. Raditz leaned in, and called into Kakarot’s ear loud enough for him to hear him over the extremely loud music.
“You liken’ the party, brother?”
“Of course I am Raditz! This is kick ass!” With that he roared into the crowed, which set off some of the other saiyans, which were probably drunk.
Suddenly the lights went off, and a huge strobe light came down from the ceiling, and a new song started. Electric guitars blared, and a man’s deep voice shouted out lyrics. The crowd on the dance floor began to shift, as some of the saiyans began to start a mosh pit, including everyone they could.
“The erotic pleasures of woman…. And men…”
A saiyan woman stood on a plat form, naked, high above the crowd, her long hair braided down her back. Her slim body moved to the beat of the drums, her body scarred by knives and other weapons, done on purpose. Her tail was shaved from the base up on only one side, and piercings of two 8 inch barbed gages thread through the top of the tail.
Aside from the woman, a man stood in a cage, wearing only leather pants, with a clearly noticeable clothed erection, and spiked boots. His head was shaved into a mo-hawk. One side of him had ancient tribal tattoos down his body, and on the other side he was pierced with all kinds of silver gages. His tail thrashed about wildly, letting the owner have no control.
“Who is the irresistible creature who has sensational love for the dead…?”
Raditz had slipped a little pill in Kakarot’s drink, and luckily it had dissolved quickly, and had no sent. Oh yes, it was time for his little brother to know what it meant to be out in parties like these. He watched as Kakarot drowned the drink, and the pill, which was an aphrodisiac, taking control all ready.
Kakarot looked dazed, and almost stumbled over, but his brother was there to catch his fall.
“I feel funny, Rad…” He said huskily.
Raditz purred into his ear, and wrapped his arms around the slim waist. Tail wrapping around Kakarot’s, lightly ruffling the fur together.
The young saiyan moaned in pleasure as his tail was stroked and teased by his brother’s thick third appendage.
Radtiz carried the saiyan out of the building in his arms. A small smirk clung to his lips as he reached his destination. He stretched out a hand and sent a ki blast into a small hotel window, and floated inside, still holding Kakarot.
He set the smaller saiyan down, back facing his front.
“Raditz?” Kakarot called out groggily. He felt his brother’s large hands come around and hold him around his waist again. He leaned against the larger form, and titled his head on Raditz’s shoulder, mouth parted slightly panting.
“Hm?” Raditz began, slowly, caressing Kakarot’s stomach; those perfect, but not yet well sculpted abs. He smirked as he heard a little gasp escape his brother’s mouth. The taller saiyan slid his hands down into Kakarot’s clothed navel, fingering the hidden skin, and slowly inched down to cup the already hard erection of his brother.
Raditz rubbed the bulge, making it even harder, if that was possible. Kakarot gasped again as he tried to capture some air into his burning lungs. His hands went to his brother’s torturing hands, and grasped them tightly.
“O-oh Gods!” Kakarot rasped, eyes snapping shut has pure ecstasy hit him like title waves. He thrust his hips forward, bucking into his brother’s large hands. His hands went around the tousled head, and grabbed fists full of ebony spikes.
The older saiyan began to lick and nibble at Kakarot’s ear lob, licking the shell of his ear, as his hands continued to torture the bulge in his brother’s thin spandex pants. The manned saiyan slipped his fingers into the blue navy waistband of his Kakarot’s pants, and massaged the sensitive hot skin.
Radtiz grabbed the throbbing erection, and slowly stroked the length, squeezing at the base, then moving up to the top pinching the flared head.
“RADITZ!” Kakarot chocked out, and bucked his hips wildly, trying to create more friction. “P-please!” he begged.
The older saiyan rocked his hips up against the firm ass of his brother, rubbing his impressive length between fat ass cheeks. He kissed the exposed neck, licking and nipping, while stroking in full solid movements, up and down the pulsing shaft.
With a roaring scream, Kakarot came forcefully, and hard in Raditz’s hands, covering them with his white creamy essence, panting and heaving his chest, desperate for air.
~*~
Ah shit, I’m stuck. LOL! I want to continue this little lemon of course, but well… yeah… I’m becoming very, very fond of Radtiz! And hot damn if he’s gonna do that than HELL YES!! LET HIM FUCKING COME AND LET ME WRITE THOSE DELICIOUS LEMONS!! YAY!! ^___^ I want to practice my lemon scenes anyways, so this is GOOD!! REALLY GOOD!!!
Hanuman- The Monkey King.
BWAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!! FEEL THE SEXINESS OF RADITZU!!!! HAHAHHHHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!!!!!!!! That man is sexah!
“Vic Du Shiesha Koph.”
German for:
“Fuck you shit head.”
HHHAHAHAHAHAHHA!!!!!!!!!!
Oi it’s time to leave! YAY!!!!!!!!!!
See ya!
*~*
May 27, 2004
DAMNIT! I hate fucking lyric sites! I have to find a good one that won’t have all those damned pop ups and shit! CURSES!!! Anyways, I wanted to welcome Raditz to the muse group!! Kakarot was so thrilled when Raditz came!! ^_^ I love that big burly saiyan!!
“The erotic pleasures of sayians” HAHAH!! Aye that’s Kakarotto, Raditzu, Turless, Bardock, Vegeta, Vegetann, Humoz, and Brolli!!!! *Dies* OH MY GOD!!!! Mama… and Sage cub… *purrs happily* Yeah, they’re all just so perfect!
The thing that strikes me about Raditz is how I’ve become so fond of him. He’s so big and looks so tough and rough, but really he’s nothing but a cub caring brokenhearted saiyan. I picture him being neglected by Vegeta’s love, and he suffers and dwells on his brief and short time with the prince. And Raditz only has his brothers and his Tousan to rely on, and help raise this cub he hides from Vegeta. I love that big burly saiyan!!!!!!
Kill Hannah
A New Heart for Christmas:
Navy Pier at Christmas
You can go at 3am there will be no one
The Ferris wheel still turns
As though its a popular attraction still
And when this songs slowly play
Through the old broken PA
A new heart for Christmas
Ahh new heart for Christmas
She Needs a new heart for Christmas
"Cause you broke it all Apart
Put it back together Again"
Strange holiday mannequins still move
As though someone was watching besides me
There joints are rusty,
they chirp like inside
there’s something alive
oh no- somehow it strikes me
I need a new heart for Christmas{y heart now
Cause you broke it all apart
put it back together again
you hit me oh so hard
put me back together again
Kennedy:
I wanna be a Kennedy
I wanna be a big heartbreaker
Live fast and for read
And you can follow it in the papers
I wanna be a Kennedy
I wanna shake hands with heroes
And kiss the girls of centerfolds on the tongue
And die young
I'll be brave tonight
Either live or die
I'll be brave tonight
Standing tall and bright
Such romantic eyes
Got me hypnotized
And if I had my chance I'd never let you go
And if I had my chance I'd never let you go
I wanna be a Kennedy
I wanna be tall and handsome
I'd conquer the world
And you'd see it on television
If I could be a Kennedy
If I could be a real heartbreaker
I'd watch you crash into my arms
We're the stars under the barrel of a gun
We die young
I'll be brave tonight
Standing tall and bright
Such romantic eyes
Got me hypnotized
And if I had my chance I'd never let you go
And if I had my chance I'd never let you go
Ten More Minutes with you:
I don’t know who you are
but right now, you're breaking my heart
and I don’t know where you are
but like a bird you lift me up to the stars
now I’m feeling alive for the first time
here's hoping this day won't end
I don’t know, man, what to do
I don’t care
I need ten more minutes with you
i don’t know who you are
but just one look and I’m hooked from the start
now I’m falling apart
it's what we get for falling in love
now I’m gonna explode for the first time
here's hoping this pain will end
I don’t know, man what to do
I don’t care
I need ten more minutes with you
do do do do
do do do do
I’m living for ten more minutes
Raining All The Time:
She fell like a meteor
on to the planet
and said, "your world, it brings me down.
I feel like an animal and
I don't think I get it but
one day I’ll make you proud."
it's raining all the time
I’ll need you by my side
when I leave it all behind
she crashed like an atom bomb
and said, "we can't live forever.
One day I’ll see you around.
I dreamt that we disappeared, so
I just gotta do it
so no one can touch me now."
it's raining all the time
I’ll need you by my side
when I leave it all behind
she said:
I HATE THE RAIN
but here it comes again
Boys and Girls:
Baby, baby, baby, baby, baby, baby, baby, baby...
She wants to go fast
And never come back
And never collapse
And he's a real animal
Gone out of control
Who'd rather die young than get old
Baby, baby, baby, baby, baby, baby, baby, baby...
Boys and girls they dance like it's the end of the world
Boys and girls they dance, dance, dance
Boys and girls they dance like it's the end of the world
Boys and girls they dance, dance, dance
Baby, baby, baby, baby, baby, baby, baby, baby...
She's in designer jeans
On amphetamines
And wants you badly
And he's a real cannibal and suicidal
Or have we gone heavy metal?
Baby, baby, baby, baby, baby, baby, baby, baby...
Boys and girls they dance like it's the end of the world
Boys and girls they dance, dance, dance
Boys and girls they dance like it's the end of the world
Boys and girls they dance, dance, dance
Boys and girls they dance like it's the end
Boys and girls they dance like it's the end
Boys and girls they dance like it's the end
Boys and girls girls girls girls
From Now On
we collided head-on
and they said that we would not live very long
i knew you were my love
but they laughed 'cos
we were just too young to know
FROM NOW ON I’ll wait here for you
FROM NOW ON I’m waiting for you
you tore me apart
broke all of my bones
and shot right through my heart
i always used to pretend
that the hero really gets the girl in the end
FROM NOW ON I’ll wait here for you
FROM NOW ON I’m waiting for you
but tonight,
I’m crazy like a teenage dream!
alive, but buried now or so it seems!
Surprise! (Don’t cover your eyes)
Oi, I thought this sounded VERY saiyan:
“WAR IS PEACE, FREEDOM IS SLAVERY, IGNORANCE IS STRENGTH!!!”
Aye I read that on the back of one of Jeff’s notes to me. I was like OMG! That’s so Saiyan!! AHHHH!!!!!!
Oh now I feel all mushy. Jeff is having a little bit of a hard time handling with some things, and I’m trying to help him. And of course, it’s about love. -_- something that I have let slip past my fingers many-a-times
The other day I did see my love though! I was so happy to see her; I thought I’d bawl my eyes out in front of her!!! LOL! Laurie. Gods I love that woman so much, that it hurts my soul to know that I will never be able to cherish and love her the way that I want to. And now, my love is being tormented and thrown out by Dave. Curse him to the bottomless pits of Hell! She cried in my arms, and thanked me. I will always be there for her, and Gods do I pray for her to let her know that. She is my only love, my love that I will never have. I feel so complete with her by my side, so safe and comforted. Her scent fills my nose every time she comes by me, every time we touch, whether it be physically or mentally. I love the way her skin feels under my hands, and I would please her. Let her know that she is wanted, and she is loved. I do not like to see her in pain and I do not like to feel her sadness that drips off of her. I’m happy that she is going to go live with Amy though. May the Gods bring you light Laurie love. But Please do not tip over the edge just yet. Hold on, you’re almost there. I love you, and I will always be there for you.
On a happier note:
Apparently hot girls don’t shit. Ye know, poop their brains out. LMFAO!!!!! *Snickers* I don’t know, but the guy that sits next to me says that girls don’t shit. *Shakes head* Last time I checked I did… *cracks up laughing*
It’s time to go…
*~*
Today’s June 1, 2004. I have ten days left to complete everything. I don’t think that I can do it. Here is a letter that I wrote to Jeff, explaining some stuff:
Jeff,
Excuse me for venting on you. But I’m tired of everyone’s shit! This fucking sucks! Especially when my dad is always telling me how ungrateful I am, and how I’m always going to fail, and I never take school seriously, so I’m going to fail. I’m just tired of everything. I work my friggin’ ass off at work, in the fucking HEAT, and then I have maybe two hours of break before I have to clean SOMETHING at home, and then head off to school. So tired… of everything. I can’t do anything but sit there and listen to my dad bicker, while he’s fucking drunk, and ranting and screaming at me. Then he pisses mom off, and then she pisses my sister off. Oh this is just one big fucking happy family!!! Jesus fucking Christ!!
AND to make even more matters fucking worse, is fucking school!! Do you have any idea how fucking much I’m fucking stressing about this shit??!? NO YOU DO NOT!!! Technically I didn’t finish the 8th grade. I was home schooled, as you know. But I was too much of a fucking slacker to do anything. I didn’t have any self-motivation!! I STILL don’t! It frustrates me to no fucking end, and it mocks me!! HE MOCKS ME DAMNIT!!! So now, since there is no fucking summer school here, I’ll be held back! Well peachy fucking keens!! It depresses me to even think about it. I’m nothing but a fucking failure, that’s all I’ll ever fucking be. Damnit, now I’m fucking getting all fucking teary eyed.
The days go by, and by. Nothing is said nothing is to be done. My world is dissolving into bleakness. Everything is so... gone. I have no friends. I have no companions. Hate fills my heart. Ugliness fills my brain. Nothing is real anymore. I am nothing. Am I really that lost? I'm no longer afraid. Afraid of what? Life. Life is to be afraid of, and I am no longer afraid... of life.
Sometimes I think what it would be like to burn, or to be in a situation where I can't do anything, but die. The only road. Is to die.
I feel ugly. I am ugly, yet so beautiful at the same time. Why? I don't know. I have yet to find that answer. I have yet to find my destiny, and I have yet to find myself. This is not. This is not me. I am not like this. Or am I? Is it because I can feel again? Where the pain seeps through my chest, and pounds on my heart. I close up. I can't do anything except watch.
Bored. Just bored. I have no life, and so it's boring. Again, I have no friends, and am left in the darkness. Things have come to be. Can I stop them? That is for the future, I think. Perhaps. Perhaps not. I am yet again, nothing. I feel nothing. Yet I feel pain. Is that something? What pain is this?
Pain of Loneliness.
That is my pain. That pain fills every inch of my body, and I have not figured out a way to prevent it. Why? I don't know. So many questions, and all paths lead to "why". Why this? Why that? Why do I?
I feel my control slipping away. My self control. It's going for a little trip, how long is for no one to know. Not even me. Little thoughts of evil sink into my mind, craving something beyond torture.
To scourge, simply means to whip.
I want to cry, but the tears won't come. I wish to cry, but they still do not come. They don't fall; they just sit threaten me to spill over. I feel that lump in my throat, that makes me think to cry, and yet, they still do not come. I have not cried for a while now. Perhaps it is normal.
My control is slipping. I'm going to hurt them. I can feel it. Whenever I think of a tiny evil little thought, it spreads through out my body, and to my fingertips and it tingles my nerves, and gets me all excited. I don't like them it makes me feel dirty. Dirty and vile, disgusting even. I am disgusting…. But I can't help but dream of them. Think of what would happen if it did happen. What then? It strokes the fire in my belly, and I long to live it out. To feel their lifeless bodies in my hands, to watch their eyes roll up into their heads. But I know that that is inhuman, and I cannot do such a thing. To do something like that, would mean for me to be damned.
The other day I had an evil thought. I had thought of what it would be like to capture a little child, and disembowel him. Again those same feelings forth, running on electricity and adrenalin. Pulsing through my veins. I felt… almost alive. I wanted to scream! That hate that filled me, those dirty thoughts that invaded me. They violated me, raped me of my conscience. It scares me.
I guess I really am ungrateful, aren’t I? It doesn’t matter. Sorry for all of this trouble.
Robin
That’s the first letter. He wrote me back, and here’s the second letter I wrote to him:
Jeff,
I’m sorry. And you’re right. You are my friend, and thank you. I don’t have a lot friends either. However, before I came here, I really didn’t have any friends. Nikki was my only friend, and she left me for her boyfriend. She had thought that I hated her so she said why should she hang out with someone like that? When in truth, I loved her to death. She was my only true friend that knew everything, and understood me, my best, and only friend. And then you came. I’m glad you had talked to me. Even though that I had hung out with those other kids, they were just acquaintances that would have only lasted a day. But you were kind enough to actually talk to me, and not just for a day.
When I used to go to Middle School, I was actually hated. I was a shadow to Nikki. One that only followed her around, because she was too much of a fucking loner to make her own friends and stand up for herself. That was me. I was made fun of all the time. The joke in the little “clique.” The stupid one.
It is hard to believe that I have someone that believes in me. My father doesn’t think that I can do anything. I want to be an Aviarian Vet, someone who medicates birds if you have forgotten. I have already told you my goal. And no one thinks I can do it. I understand that yes you have to do all this school, get good grades, and be excepted in a good collage, and then be able to get into Vet School. It’s a big picture, and I realize that I’m only looking at one piece to the puzzle, and I don’t think it’s the right one either. It’s hard believing when no one believes in you, and when you yourself do not have any self-motivation. Now, with all this school… it seems impossible.
It is also hard to think positive when you are surrounded by negative energy. I rarely get positive energy from my parents, so it is hard. Always fighting. Although, I do understand where you’re coming from. These feelings that I get do not last for very long. They seem like they last for about maybe a minute at the very latest, and then they vanish. It happens so fast I hardly know what I’m thinking of, and I cannot convert over to the positive side. They die as soon as they are born. It is the same with the conversations that I hear. Do you ever hear, out in the blue, people talking? I mean when no one is around, and it kind of sounds far away, but then it’s right next to you. I know that makes no sense, but I hear these voices all the time. I can tell that they are outside voices, not inside like you can hear them inside of your head, but when you and I would be talking sitting right next to each other. That’s what it’s like, only it sounds sort of faint, like distant almost, but very clear. However, these conversations, when they happen they go just as fast as they speak. Once the conversation is done, I will get a very discrete image of the two people that were talking in the conversation, and their where a bouts, and then they’re gone. It seems like a dream. When you wake from a dream you can faintly remember it, and then it fades away like a past memory.
I talked to my mom about it, and she suggested it could be spirit channeling. Heh, I tend to do that a lot without even realizing I’m doing it. The hard thing about it is to be able to control that. Like Necromancy, I do that with no trouble at all. Seeing spirits is actually kind of normal for me. Sorry, I’m rambling, the letter really helped bring me out of the shittiness of my mood. I had a perfectly good day until dad came home, and he just ruined everything. He then wonders why I’m always so mad at him, and won’t really talk to him. BECAUSE YOU MAKE ME FEEL STUPID!!! I want to scream that at him SO badly! But I don’t have enough balls to do that -_- it’s only because I know what he’d say. He’d brush the subject off, when it hurts me so fucking badly. Well, fuck him them. Bastard!
Thanks Jeff, that little letter helped me, and I know I need to stop acting like a fucking baby and get on with it. I’ve been dealing with it for God only knows how long, so I guess I can take more, before I break.
Robin
PS> I’m actually going to sit this little snack session out. I kind of want to be by myself, and not want to talk with my mouth. Sorry about that. Haven’t been very talkative today at all though. I hate mood swings…
I meant to put something else in the “PS” but I forgot. Damn, Well, my mood is doing a little better though. With that letter and stuff. He probably thinks I’m insane.
Gods I’m dying to make a freaking SSj4 Kakarot+Vegeta shounen-ai or yaoi fic!! DAMNIT! I’m just not ready yet, no not ready…
I really miss Talon-mum… I want to talk to her so badly!! I saw her log on today when I came home from work, but I didn’t want to disturb her, because I think she was RPING with Manawolf or something.
Just told Jeff that I’ve been exposed to skin cancer. I have to be careful now, since I work outside and stuff. CURSES!! My grandma Nath has had various blotches of skin cancer, and luckily she got them removed. I think it shocked Jeff a little bit.
I just realized how bad Talon-mum’s disease is. I just read about it. It’s called Ulcerative colitis. How awful! I’ll defiantly have to wish her good lucks and send kisses!
Time to go!
*~*