soon...
you would never have expected for me to write an entry as i am about to now. you probably never would've imagined that my feelings for you would have been compared to the feelings i had for darin. and if that doesn't tell you at all how i felt about you...then i really don't know what else will.
you came into my life at a point in time where i couldn't imagine letting anyone else in; and for a long time i didnt because i was afraid of how that would look to darin if it ever got back to him. so for the five months that we were close...i kept you at a distance. not only afraid of darin's thoughts...but afraid of becoming so vulnerable to a guy again. but i found that regardless of how much you want to keep someone on the outside, your heart will always let them in more than you desire.
the five months i spent with you were filled with great times and laughter; funny that it all started with a kick of my butt. some things that i will never forget were our thursday night rituals...dinner and cowboys (a place where i felt like the most special girl in the world to be held in your arms; though of course i would never have actually told you that), dane cook, our trip to daytona, the massages, all the movies we saw together, all of the nights that turned into afternoons as we both realized we had missed the important tasks of the day because we were too occupied with laying in eachother's arms, choking on chicken noodle soup, teaching you to drive your car, you stealing my music then taking me to see the concerts that i loved so much, dinner with my mom and ernie...the great times were neverending and the memories will go on forever.
of course, there were the crappy times...but honestly who doesn't go through those. there is no need to recount those, because looking back...im not sad because of all the pain you caused or that i brought upon us; more so that i won't be able to experience those great times with you anymore.
in the past month i saw something happen to us that i never would've wished for. and im sure for you, this happened much sooner than in the past month. i saw my best friend seek out other people. i hurt as i wasn't able to call him and talk to him about the stupid little trials that i go through in a day. i cried when i found out that i was no longer the only girl that interested you. i screamed when i saw all of this happening and realized i became vulnerable to you.
i know that you have had stuff going on that was extremely important to you and for whatever reason, you felt that you had to shut me out. but what i don't think you knew, is that i was willing to compromise. if you would've just taken the time to explain some things about what is now number one in your life, i would've taken the time to learn. it was something important to you...and because you were something important to me, i was willing to change my views. i would've trusted you with all that i had because honestly we would've been nothing had i not. while we were together you showed me that no matter how many friends you had that were of the female gender i was the one that mattered most to you so why would i not trust you. but i don't think you knew that...and i wasn't given the opportunity to tell you all of this. so i took to accomodating myself.
in the past month i have taken up old/new things and made that number one. i have been seeking out God and relying on him to heal the broken heart that i am now feeling. He has done it before...and with each new wound...He will do it again. i have joined a bible study and been learning wonderful things. i am actually going to church again. something that i knew was going to take a HUGE push...but apparently you leaving WAS that huge push. its just a shame we couldn't have ever started this while we were together. at the same time, i have been building great friendships and can actually say that i have people that i trust with my life. i have been going out and meeting new people. some will probably stay around for a little while, and others will disappear just as quickly as they came. i have been pampered...realizing though that it was with the wrong intentions. my morals have been questioned, and with sadness i say that it took a lot of thought for them to not have been compromised. i have had to make difficult decisions...but decisions i made nonetheless. i have taken a leap of faith...i bought a car. i have let myself down, but learned from it. i have admitted to failing and i never would've imagined i would be this at peace with that fact. as a friend once said..."when you hit rock bottom, thats when you'll find that God is there".
all this to say...i found that life does and will go on without you. the memories that we shared will last forever and i will always treasure the fact that i once had your attention. and as i told you a month ago...I LOVE YOU, and i probably always will. but it just seems as though you were a little too confused and i was a little too late. but you know what i learned from that? i learned not to hold back. to give anything i put time into EVERYTHING i have got. to not be afraid to say i love you because chances are...if i of all people am feeling that way...the other person probably is too. of course there are other lessons that you probably never meant to teach me...but you did and im sure you know what those are.
i apologize for the way i reacted when i saw you yesterday...but i finally started to feel at peace with the fact that i wasn't seeing you or talking to you. i had started talking to other guys, not even really seriously...but it was still a step. when i initially saw you, i tried to avoid it as im sure you noticed. and after class...i thought about what i could do to waste a little time in case you were still in the parking garage, but still you were there. you completely caught me off guard and opened up wounds that had just started to heal. you said things to me that you'd been saying for the past month and not following through with and i had just come to terms with that as well. basically the point i was getting across to you was that you can't keep doing that. you can't say "ill call you" or "ill see you soon" when you really have no intentions of doing just that...or if there is something that honestly holds you back from doing that. its not going to hurt my feelings any more than they've already been hurt to have you not call...if anything it will help. it will keep me from getting false hopes and thinking that there might be another chance for us.
i love you more than anything and always will.
you came into my life at a point in time where i couldn't imagine letting anyone else in; and for a long time i didnt because i was afraid of how that would look to darin if it ever got back to him. so for the five months that we were close...i kept you at a distance. not only afraid of darin's thoughts...but afraid of becoming so vulnerable to a guy again. but i found that regardless of how much you want to keep someone on the outside, your heart will always let them in more than you desire.
the five months i spent with you were filled with great times and laughter; funny that it all started with a kick of my butt. some things that i will never forget were our thursday night rituals...dinner and cowboys (a place where i felt like the most special girl in the world to be held in your arms; though of course i would never have actually told you that), dane cook, our trip to daytona, the massages, all the movies we saw together, all of the nights that turned into afternoons as we both realized we had missed the important tasks of the day because we were too occupied with laying in eachother's arms, choking on chicken noodle soup, teaching you to drive your car, you stealing my music then taking me to see the concerts that i loved so much, dinner with my mom and ernie...the great times were neverending and the memories will go on forever.
of course, there were the crappy times...but honestly who doesn't go through those. there is no need to recount those, because looking back...im not sad because of all the pain you caused or that i brought upon us; more so that i won't be able to experience those great times with you anymore.
in the past month i saw something happen to us that i never would've wished for. and im sure for you, this happened much sooner than in the past month. i saw my best friend seek out other people. i hurt as i wasn't able to call him and talk to him about the stupid little trials that i go through in a day. i cried when i found out that i was no longer the only girl that interested you. i screamed when i saw all of this happening and realized i became vulnerable to you.
i know that you have had stuff going on that was extremely important to you and for whatever reason, you felt that you had to shut me out. but what i don't think you knew, is that i was willing to compromise. if you would've just taken the time to explain some things about what is now number one in your life, i would've taken the time to learn. it was something important to you...and because you were something important to me, i was willing to change my views. i would've trusted you with all that i had because honestly we would've been nothing had i not. while we were together you showed me that no matter how many friends you had that were of the female gender i was the one that mattered most to you so why would i not trust you. but i don't think you knew that...and i wasn't given the opportunity to tell you all of this. so i took to accomodating myself.
in the past month i have taken up old/new things and made that number one. i have been seeking out God and relying on him to heal the broken heart that i am now feeling. He has done it before...and with each new wound...He will do it again. i have joined a bible study and been learning wonderful things. i am actually going to church again. something that i knew was going to take a HUGE push...but apparently you leaving WAS that huge push. its just a shame we couldn't have ever started this while we were together. at the same time, i have been building great friendships and can actually say that i have people that i trust with my life. i have been going out and meeting new people. some will probably stay around for a little while, and others will disappear just as quickly as they came. i have been pampered...realizing though that it was with the wrong intentions. my morals have been questioned, and with sadness i say that it took a lot of thought for them to not have been compromised. i have had to make difficult decisions...but decisions i made nonetheless. i have taken a leap of faith...i bought a car. i have let myself down, but learned from it. i have admitted to failing and i never would've imagined i would be this at peace with that fact. as a friend once said..."when you hit rock bottom, thats when you'll find that God is there".
all this to say...i found that life does and will go on without you. the memories that we shared will last forever and i will always treasure the fact that i once had your attention. and as i told you a month ago...I LOVE YOU, and i probably always will. but it just seems as though you were a little too confused and i was a little too late. but you know what i learned from that? i learned not to hold back. to give anything i put time into EVERYTHING i have got. to not be afraid to say i love you because chances are...if i of all people am feeling that way...the other person probably is too. of course there are other lessons that you probably never meant to teach me...but you did and im sure you know what those are.
i apologize for the way i reacted when i saw you yesterday...but i finally started to feel at peace with the fact that i wasn't seeing you or talking to you. i had started talking to other guys, not even really seriously...but it was still a step. when i initially saw you, i tried to avoid it as im sure you noticed. and after class...i thought about what i could do to waste a little time in case you were still in the parking garage, but still you were there. you completely caught me off guard and opened up wounds that had just started to heal. you said things to me that you'd been saying for the past month and not following through with and i had just come to terms with that as well. basically the point i was getting across to you was that you can't keep doing that. you can't say "ill call you" or "ill see you soon" when you really have no intentions of doing just that...or if there is something that honestly holds you back from doing that. its not going to hurt my feelings any more than they've already been hurt to have you not call...if anything it will help. it will keep me from getting false hopes and thinking that there might be another chance for us.
i love you more than anything and always will.