Confused... To go or not to go? That is the question.
The other day, my loving boyfriend came to me with a, and I don't know if I completely get this message, "The family doesn't want alot of people not in the family around on X-mas, they like to keep it just family in the morning." Okay... So I don't have to go. I'm a little confused to why they wouldn't at least want to "See" us (as a couple) because they had gone through the trouble to acknoweledge not only myself, but Paul as well... and I as well have done something for them for the holidays. So with that in mind I did find it a little odd... then I'm told that "They don't think it is a good idea for non-family memebers to spend too much time with the family." Okay so more confusuion sets in now splattered with much... "Uhhh... did I do something to offend the family?" I'm okay with not going to their house, but now it sounds like I'm not even welcome to drop a gift off... argh... way to make an impression Megan. (Well I did accidentally run over thier mailbox.) Now even more light has been shed... "You might not want to bring your girlfriends to 'Pops' house that often, it might send the wrong idea." So... now I'm like... uhhhh what is going on? This family is REALLY not liking me right now? Then I'm told that it has to do with the past, and that the girlfriends don't end up being girlfriends for much longer... Okay I get it. Michael is suttly telling me we are going to not be together after the holidays. Grrrr... then he changes it up a little. "They like you... and you are welcome to come on xmas..." Okay now i don't want to go in fear of further offending them. "They like you... They don't dislike anyone." Uhh... that they speak of? Obviously I've done something here... "They are not mad about the mailbox, (LOL) 1.50 and a few hours, Danny did it no problem, and he knows how to do it now!" Great... rub that in... Sooo Did I do something at Thanksgiving? "Not that I know." hmmm... Then what? Are you sure I didn't do anything... quiet pause... Did I say something?... pause again... Did my grandmother say something? "I did hear your grandmother talked." (Smile forms on face) Okay... Did SHE say something??? "I don't know what she said... everything is fine. You didn't do anything wrong." Arghh... Oh God I talked too much didn't I? We talked too much... Didn't we... thats it isn't it? "No..." then he goes to change the subject... So frustrated... I don't care too much about what people think, but it would be NICE if his family likes me.
So, on to a more embarrassing topic??? Great!
I'm excited about Michael. I have been since we started to officially date. For the first time in my life I feel like all the signs are pointing to him... the other day I was standing by my grandmother when he calls 'her' to ask for my ring size. I was standing DIRECTLY beside her... she was like a deer in the head lights. No way out... "6" was all she said, as she glared in my direction and tried to cover the receiver with her hand. On a desk top old fashion cord phone, she was trapped... nowhere to run. I of course more curious now than I had been originally moved closer and more obvious in my curiousity. She then ends the call and I jump in with the interrogation. I start out sly of course with the obvious... "You know my ring size is not a size 6 right?" very innocently she looks back... "Yes it is!", "No grandma, my ring size is like a 7.5, so was that what he wanted to know?" Now the funny thing is that my grandmother and I were actually speaking of the 'Devil' right when he called. The topic his bringing up "Marriage" all week. (4 times to be exact) Megan history: Not a girly girl... I don't pay attention to anniversaries... I don't get excited or hopeful because over the years the thousands of pains I've endured I know in my heart I will receive nothing but heart aches. Nothing good has lasted... nothing has stayed... nothing has "Loved" me. All those romantic things that happen to everyone else... well they have never happened to me, they happen to my friends, they happen to strangers... they happen to EVERY OTHER PERSON on the planet... but not me. Enter Michael. For the first time in my life, (again all signs point to him!) I feel EXCITED about my relationship. I look forward to the phone beeping at me because 9 times out of 10 it is Michael letting me know he is thinking about me... or that he loves me... or that he can't wait to see me later, that he thinks I'm amazing, or that I'm everything he is looking for. I get all gooey every message. Now he is actually talking about marriage. At first I was completely denying that he could feel that way. Or that it would ever even be a possibility. I mean he could wake up, realize who I really am, what I'm really like and say; (Like Rik did) "I can't do this." and walk out. Okay so Rik didn't actually say he can't do this... hell he didn't even give a warning, he just kinda WALKED OUT... That is the luck I have. That is what I don't want Michael to do. However that is the realistic plot line that parralls my life. That is what I've grown to expect. He brings it up again... this time the conversation is a little more indept. I laugh and joke with him but still don't pay heed to the fact he could actually be serious. So a day or two goes by, he brings up the big "M" word again! This time I start to think, Hmmm? maybe? Nahhh... don't want to get my hopes up, he is just joking with me. Another day or two passes, and again I found myself talking of that now famous "M" word. Each conversation bringing me closer to the edge. The edge of a few things if your wondering.
-The edge of reason... My mind telling me "Not a possiblity, move along."
-The edge of hope... Dare I think I could?
-The edge of dreams becoming reality?... Could I possibly get the one thing I desire? And with a man I find to be the most beautiful person on the planet? (And yes, he CAN get my blood boiling sometimes... but it is one part of what makes us great)
-The edge of sanity... I feel like I'm "playing house" sometimes. This is the best way to put it, I mean I have never actually thought of myself "ACTUALLY" getting married... never even fantized too much about it. I mean I've thought, "maybe this is the guy" before... but never set a date... never picked out a dress, or for that matter even thought of what the dress would look like. Now I'm here thinking things, fantisizing... dreaming... picturing. Hell I was tempted to even get one of those "Bridal" magazines. After all... he was fishing for what "Type" ring I wanted... what would it hurt to throw in a few dress ideas?
-The edge of Fantasy... Ahh yes... fantasy. Not many of those floating around in my head. Now with all these seeds planted... fantasy is seeping into reality and I'm having a hard time deciphering the two. Will this lead to insanity?
-The edge of love... I've wanted to find love for so long. I have held this facade of strength, and independance for so long I didn't know if anyone would find me. Or that they could "Love" me, and by that it is the definition as I see it... to describe my "love" would not do it justice, the beauty that it is would be tarnished by words that could never meet up to what it truely is. Sufice it to say, my defintion of love is the most intense beauty two people could possibly share in one life time.
-The edge of letting go of the past, and starting a future. The old me is gone... I'm glad for that, along my journy of "Life" I've learned many things and come a long way. Now that I'm an adult I not only see things in a new light, but I savor what the future may hold. I am reaching for my dreams as if they are possiblities just within my reach. Hope is renewed, restored... and again present in my life.
The edge represents many emotions, many things... to define even this is to give a list that is ever growing, as each new possiblity leads healing to old wounds, or a light at the end of a long tunnel. Each new dream that is actualized lends hope to dreams long forgotten.
I smile every day... I thank God (I try everyday... sometimes I forget, but I know he knows I'm thankful.)
:( Paul expressed some of the feelings of excitement I've had this past week with Michael. Michael brought it too my attention, and I at first I thought it was because he was trying to feel me out... as if he wanted to know I would say yes... then as the conversation went on, I felt more and more that it was because he didn't want me to continue to get my hopes up, or to "Expect" anything. (exact words)... this saddened me because for the first time in my life I felt like it was "Ok" to have these feelings of elation. Now... embarrassed... I'm not supose to. I'm to show "Patients" and not "Expect" things. He saw my saddness... tried to ammend it, "It's okay... I want you to be excited for us." and when I explained how I felt, and why I felt the way I did, he even told me to be excited that one day I 'could' happen. The damage had been done... I sit here now... sad because I again feel that it is not okay to think I could have a man love me enough to want to "Marry" me. To love me that much...
I was so excited. I told many people he asked for my ring size. You know... that alone was such a joy... just him asking. That is a joy I wanted to share. Even if he didn't ask... he still asked for my ring size. Now... I don't know what to think. I know I'm sad, and I am embarrassed. I feel I've imposed on his family, and I feel guilty for feeling as I did about the "ring size."
What should I do? How should I feel?? What am I supose to think??? For years I've not even had a HOPE that things like that could be possible for me. I still don't really "Think" that it could be. I know that sounds like a pessimistic way to think, but that is how I feel. Just for once I want to be excited about something... even if it is a lie... let me be excited. Let me know what that feels like... I long to know what it feels like to hope, to dream, to think just for once, it could happen to me. I've been hurt, I know what that feels like... I know I'll feel like that again. I just want a LITTLE taste of a dream for once. Instead...
I revert back to the "Enjoy it while it lasts" way of life, because nothing lasts forever.
So, on to a more embarrassing topic??? Great!
I'm excited about Michael. I have been since we started to officially date. For the first time in my life I feel like all the signs are pointing to him... the other day I was standing by my grandmother when he calls 'her' to ask for my ring size. I was standing DIRECTLY beside her... she was like a deer in the head lights. No way out... "6" was all she said, as she glared in my direction and tried to cover the receiver with her hand. On a desk top old fashion cord phone, she was trapped... nowhere to run. I of course more curious now than I had been originally moved closer and more obvious in my curiousity. She then ends the call and I jump in with the interrogation. I start out sly of course with the obvious... "You know my ring size is not a size 6 right?" very innocently she looks back... "Yes it is!", "No grandma, my ring size is like a 7.5, so was that what he wanted to know?" Now the funny thing is that my grandmother and I were actually speaking of the 'Devil' right when he called. The topic his bringing up "Marriage" all week. (4 times to be exact) Megan history: Not a girly girl... I don't pay attention to anniversaries... I don't get excited or hopeful because over the years the thousands of pains I've endured I know in my heart I will receive nothing but heart aches. Nothing good has lasted... nothing has stayed... nothing has "Loved" me. All those romantic things that happen to everyone else... well they have never happened to me, they happen to my friends, they happen to strangers... they happen to EVERY OTHER PERSON on the planet... but not me. Enter Michael. For the first time in my life, (again all signs point to him!) I feel EXCITED about my relationship. I look forward to the phone beeping at me because 9 times out of 10 it is Michael letting me know he is thinking about me... or that he loves me... or that he can't wait to see me later, that he thinks I'm amazing, or that I'm everything he is looking for. I get all gooey every message. Now he is actually talking about marriage. At first I was completely denying that he could feel that way. Or that it would ever even be a possibility. I mean he could wake up, realize who I really am, what I'm really like and say; (Like Rik did) "I can't do this." and walk out. Okay so Rik didn't actually say he can't do this... hell he didn't even give a warning, he just kinda WALKED OUT... That is the luck I have. That is what I don't want Michael to do. However that is the realistic plot line that parralls my life. That is what I've grown to expect. He brings it up again... this time the conversation is a little more indept. I laugh and joke with him but still don't pay heed to the fact he could actually be serious. So a day or two goes by, he brings up the big "M" word again! This time I start to think, Hmmm? maybe? Nahhh... don't want to get my hopes up, he is just joking with me. Another day or two passes, and again I found myself talking of that now famous "M" word. Each conversation bringing me closer to the edge. The edge of a few things if your wondering.
-The edge of reason... My mind telling me "Not a possiblity, move along."
-The edge of hope... Dare I think I could?
-The edge of dreams becoming reality?... Could I possibly get the one thing I desire? And with a man I find to be the most beautiful person on the planet? (And yes, he CAN get my blood boiling sometimes... but it is one part of what makes us great)
-The edge of sanity... I feel like I'm "playing house" sometimes. This is the best way to put it, I mean I have never actually thought of myself "ACTUALLY" getting married... never even fantized too much about it. I mean I've thought, "maybe this is the guy" before... but never set a date... never picked out a dress, or for that matter even thought of what the dress would look like. Now I'm here thinking things, fantisizing... dreaming... picturing. Hell I was tempted to even get one of those "Bridal" magazines. After all... he was fishing for what "Type" ring I wanted... what would it hurt to throw in a few dress ideas?
-The edge of Fantasy... Ahh yes... fantasy. Not many of those floating around in my head. Now with all these seeds planted... fantasy is seeping into reality and I'm having a hard time deciphering the two. Will this lead to insanity?
-The edge of love... I've wanted to find love for so long. I have held this facade of strength, and independance for so long I didn't know if anyone would find me. Or that they could "Love" me, and by that it is the definition as I see it... to describe my "love" would not do it justice, the beauty that it is would be tarnished by words that could never meet up to what it truely is. Sufice it to say, my defintion of love is the most intense beauty two people could possibly share in one life time.
-The edge of letting go of the past, and starting a future. The old me is gone... I'm glad for that, along my journy of "Life" I've learned many things and come a long way. Now that I'm an adult I not only see things in a new light, but I savor what the future may hold. I am reaching for my dreams as if they are possiblities just within my reach. Hope is renewed, restored... and again present in my life.
The edge represents many emotions, many things... to define even this is to give a list that is ever growing, as each new possiblity leads healing to old wounds, or a light at the end of a long tunnel. Each new dream that is actualized lends hope to dreams long forgotten.
I smile every day... I thank God (I try everyday... sometimes I forget, but I know he knows I'm thankful.)
:( Paul expressed some of the feelings of excitement I've had this past week with Michael. Michael brought it too my attention, and I at first I thought it was because he was trying to feel me out... as if he wanted to know I would say yes... then as the conversation went on, I felt more and more that it was because he didn't want me to continue to get my hopes up, or to "Expect" anything. (exact words)... this saddened me because for the first time in my life I felt like it was "Ok" to have these feelings of elation. Now... embarrassed... I'm not supose to. I'm to show "Patients" and not "Expect" things. He saw my saddness... tried to ammend it, "It's okay... I want you to be excited for us." and when I explained how I felt, and why I felt the way I did, he even told me to be excited that one day I 'could' happen. The damage had been done... I sit here now... sad because I again feel that it is not okay to think I could have a man love me enough to want to "Marry" me. To love me that much...
I was so excited. I told many people he asked for my ring size. You know... that alone was such a joy... just him asking. That is a joy I wanted to share. Even if he didn't ask... he still asked for my ring size. Now... I don't know what to think. I know I'm sad, and I am embarrassed. I feel I've imposed on his family, and I feel guilty for feeling as I did about the "ring size."
What should I do? How should I feel?? What am I supose to think??? For years I've not even had a HOPE that things like that could be possible for me. I still don't really "Think" that it could be. I know that sounds like a pessimistic way to think, but that is how I feel. Just for once I want to be excited about something... even if it is a lie... let me be excited. Let me know what that feels like... I long to know what it feels like to hope, to dream, to think just for once, it could happen to me. I've been hurt, I know what that feels like... I know I'll feel like that again. I just want a LITTLE taste of a dream for once. Instead...
I revert back to the "Enjoy it while it lasts" way of life, because nothing lasts forever.