I am the catipillar 2008
hmmm... I've been in deep thought as of late. I feel myself closing into myself. The walls are securly placed... my emotions are in check... the need for solituded is overwhelmingly comfortable... and I have rearanged every room in my house. (Save the bedroom but I know how I'm going to do that and it is on the list for tomorrow) My coccoun is now built.
Let my transformation begin...
This is my last year in my 20's. I'm actually going to be 30 next year. The thought is daunting, and for me completely unbeliveable. I never thought I'd live past 16 so now that I'm almost 30, this is just surreal to me. I'm looking at what I've done in life... the desisions I've made, some good... some not so much. I take note of the lessons I've learned, and the experiances that lead me down this path of life I have taken. I've learned a lot... but I've accomplished very little. I've been satisfied with life... but never happy. The one thing I've been missing is the one thing I've never had the oportunity to have. (well once... but hello he cheated on me with my best friend... I felt the relationship had run its course and effectivly dumped him... and not one regret letting him go.)
What do I want to have done in life before I hit 30?
I have never before today even THOUGHT about it. I have always lived for the moment, done what I wanted said what I have felt... and have never backed out of anything or backed down from any challenge. I don't have many regrets in life... I concider myself fortunate for many reasons. 1. I know people that have regrets, and dwell on them to the point of none enjoyment of life. I laugh because I know that they are not living... they are just reminising and regreting... 2. The few regrets I have... I wouldn't change I don't think if magically I had a time machine to go back and fix the things in life I want to. Why? then I'd be a diffrent person... or I would have made even bigger mistakes than I have. I concider some of the regrets more... "Dodging Bullets!"
Okay so "Married" would be on the list of things to do before I'm 30... Having a child... that one can't be left out. But again these are both out of my control. I've kissed a lot of frogs, and they have all been Toads... I don't concider it too much a loss to have not shackled myself to any of them. Again it is more like DODGING BULLETS!!! And WOW fate has been fortunate enough to me that I've dodged some WHOPPERS!!! sigh... if you only knew my friends... if you only knew...
I'm no oracle... but lately several premontions... or should I say prophacies I've had since childhood, and since then... have come to life. It is like for the first time in my life... it is starting to make some bit of sense. I didn't think I would be alone when it happened which solidifies one thing I've thought for a long time... but then looking back I supose I've always truely been alone I just didn't realize it until it was too late and basically slapped in my face. I don't know where my life is taking direction at this time... but for the first time the unknown is not as scary.
Good news at last!!!
My mother... is LEAVING (yes I said LEAVING) My step father... and all I have to say about this... ABOUT FRIGGIN TIME!!! :D She is currently shopping for a condo! (one of the forseen things is "When she is ready to talk... bring her a dozen white gardenias." Don't ask me to explain that, long story short I met someone (they sought me out) once that awakened me... or more like touched me spiritually before I knew anything about anything... He was not in my life but for more than a few hours... but has forever touched me. I have my suspisions on who he was spiritually but I will never know for sure, at least that I know of. That is a facinating story for another day however. I think that it is coming close to the day I can talk with my mother. Almost 30... I thought the day would never get here... and I find myself very excited about it. I am however sad for Bruce... how ironic is that? Damn this streak of whatever is up my ass... I may actually pitty the man... and I hate pitty.
No news on the "Grandparental" front
Everyone is telling me that they aren't going to live forever and I will regret not speaking to them if they die tomorrow... yes, yes I would... but the tough love is the only thing I have not tried... and I am simply not strong enough to continue to let them live the life they have lived. I don't want to think if I had just sat back they would change... as it is that is what I have done... I have had the conversations... I have let them know what it is doing to me and family... they don't care... nither does my assclown uncle who actually feeds into their alcoholism. :( How sad this man is that he is the one that doesn't care and they love him the most in life.
So far my only resolution this year...
NO MEN!!! :D and I'm perfectly okay with that... the year is 2008 I love 2's and I love 8's so as far as I'm concerned this is going to be the best year of my life! The signs I've seen have done nothing but feed this thought, and I like that. I need something positive in my life, I've lived in the shadows for far to long. When I arise from this coccoun I will have gracefully transformed into a beautiful butterfly ready to travel the world over, and become the person I am intended to be. :D
Welcome to the New Year... may it be a good one.
Let my transformation begin...
This is my last year in my 20's. I'm actually going to be 30 next year. The thought is daunting, and for me completely unbeliveable. I never thought I'd live past 16 so now that I'm almost 30, this is just surreal to me. I'm looking at what I've done in life... the desisions I've made, some good... some not so much. I take note of the lessons I've learned, and the experiances that lead me down this path of life I have taken. I've learned a lot... but I've accomplished very little. I've been satisfied with life... but never happy. The one thing I've been missing is the one thing I've never had the oportunity to have. (well once... but hello he cheated on me with my best friend... I felt the relationship had run its course and effectivly dumped him... and not one regret letting him go.)
What do I want to have done in life before I hit 30?
I have never before today even THOUGHT about it. I have always lived for the moment, done what I wanted said what I have felt... and have never backed out of anything or backed down from any challenge. I don't have many regrets in life... I concider myself fortunate for many reasons. 1. I know people that have regrets, and dwell on them to the point of none enjoyment of life. I laugh because I know that they are not living... they are just reminising and regreting... 2. The few regrets I have... I wouldn't change I don't think if magically I had a time machine to go back and fix the things in life I want to. Why? then I'd be a diffrent person... or I would have made even bigger mistakes than I have. I concider some of the regrets more... "Dodging Bullets!"
Okay so "Married" would be on the list of things to do before I'm 30... Having a child... that one can't be left out. But again these are both out of my control. I've kissed a lot of frogs, and they have all been Toads... I don't concider it too much a loss to have not shackled myself to any of them. Again it is more like DODGING BULLETS!!! And WOW fate has been fortunate enough to me that I've dodged some WHOPPERS!!! sigh... if you only knew my friends... if you only knew...
I'm no oracle... but lately several premontions... or should I say prophacies I've had since childhood, and since then... have come to life. It is like for the first time in my life... it is starting to make some bit of sense. I didn't think I would be alone when it happened which solidifies one thing I've thought for a long time... but then looking back I supose I've always truely been alone I just didn't realize it until it was too late and basically slapped in my face. I don't know where my life is taking direction at this time... but for the first time the unknown is not as scary.
Good news at last!!!
My mother... is LEAVING (yes I said LEAVING) My step father... and all I have to say about this... ABOUT FRIGGIN TIME!!! :D She is currently shopping for a condo! (one of the forseen things is "When she is ready to talk... bring her a dozen white gardenias." Don't ask me to explain that, long story short I met someone (they sought me out) once that awakened me... or more like touched me spiritually before I knew anything about anything... He was not in my life but for more than a few hours... but has forever touched me. I have my suspisions on who he was spiritually but I will never know for sure, at least that I know of. That is a facinating story for another day however. I think that it is coming close to the day I can talk with my mother. Almost 30... I thought the day would never get here... and I find myself very excited about it. I am however sad for Bruce... how ironic is that? Damn this streak of whatever is up my ass... I may actually pitty the man... and I hate pitty.
No news on the "Grandparental" front
Everyone is telling me that they aren't going to live forever and I will regret not speaking to them if they die tomorrow... yes, yes I would... but the tough love is the only thing I have not tried... and I am simply not strong enough to continue to let them live the life they have lived. I don't want to think if I had just sat back they would change... as it is that is what I have done... I have had the conversations... I have let them know what it is doing to me and family... they don't care... nither does my assclown uncle who actually feeds into their alcoholism. :( How sad this man is that he is the one that doesn't care and they love him the most in life.
So far my only resolution this year...
NO MEN!!! :D and I'm perfectly okay with that... the year is 2008 I love 2's and I love 8's so as far as I'm concerned this is going to be the best year of my life! The signs I've seen have done nothing but feed this thought, and I like that. I need something positive in my life, I've lived in the shadows for far to long. When I arise from this coccoun I will have gracefully transformed into a beautiful butterfly ready to travel the world over, and become the person I am intended to be. :D
Welcome to the New Year... may it be a good one.