Last day of the year... First day of nothing
So I've lived out one more year. Today I hit even new lows... So I am a pretty strong person, I can handle most blows life has to throw at me. Lately however the blows have been huge, and coming too frequently to keep up with.
Christmas... horrible... not one family member called... or has called me yet. I had a few friends send me best wishes texts, but other than that... it was a sad lonely christmas where I actually cried myself to sleep.
New Years Eve... LOL Single, and going out??? Yeah I think I'll pass on that one. To top it off... I had a discussion with a long time friend of mine, correction, someone I "Thought" was a friend of mine,amazingly it turns out I mean nothing to this person... WOW... where does this sound familar? Why is it that every single person that I've ever had in my life... lead me on to crush me? Not just sorry to lead you on... but no they go through the whole shabang and lead me on for sometimes YEARS, like in this case... and in the case of Rik. JUST LEAVE ME ALONE PEOPLE. (I really can't do this anymore... I physically can't take it, I EMOTIONALLY can't take it... I am not strong enough, and I don't know what I did to deserve this abandonment from so many people?) I am so damaged right now, and even lonelier than before... I litterally have nothing else to loose... save my job... if I lost that then I would be on the streets, and I do mean literally... I live pay check to paycheck and I can BARELY make it as it is. Want to tap it off God??? Take the job, I don't have anything else for you to take... I love my job... so it would be the last thing I care about... just do me one favor, after you take that can you please just end my life?
They say that your life gets worst before it gets better... well my life has ALWAYS SUCKED??? So what the fuck? I'm sorry but if this is what people mean when they tell you they care about you... then I want no fucking part of it. LIES... all fucking lies... Betrayals... Abandonment... Neglect... Thoughtlessness... Greed... Rejection... Un caring... Selfishness... and a million other words that describe what I get... Love is foreign to me, I will never know what that word is supose to mean.
Love... something that is cherished... something that is wanted... something that is needed... something that is special... something that is sought after... something that is cared for and appriciated... something that is reasured... something that is respected... something that is thought of... something that is loyal... something that is honored... something that is taken in... something that is FOUGHT for... something that is... never given up on.I will never know this word... Love...
I can change my life a thousand times... but what I can't do is control how others preceive me... I can't control how others treat me... and I can't make people care about me. I can't make someone like me, and I can't make someone be honest with me. I can't make them tell me the truth, and I can't make them respect me... I can't make them care about my feelings... I can't make them want me... and I can't make them think I'm special... I can't make them loyal.. and I cant make them feel things that they will never feel.
I really don't want anyone to bother me anymore... I just want to be left alone. I'll find my little corner in life and be perfectly content not being hurt anymore by people that are just leading me on. I would rather die alone than have to keep re living all this shit... If I have to endure this at least let it be done with. I feel like I'm a broken record and it keeps playing back the part where my heart gets torn in two... different people... same situation... over and over and over and over again. JUST LET ME BE!!! This is my plea to the world... LEAVE ME ALONE!!!
I have nothing to live for... so why are you bothering me? Go bother someone that has not suffered as I have. I have been hurt and I am hurting... and I shall forever hurt such is my life, now go bother someone else. I'm done... just let me die in peace...
lol... lets see what new and inventive ways life will drag me down this year...
Christmas... horrible... not one family member called... or has called me yet. I had a few friends send me best wishes texts, but other than that... it was a sad lonely christmas where I actually cried myself to sleep.
New Years Eve... LOL Single, and going out??? Yeah I think I'll pass on that one. To top it off... I had a discussion with a long time friend of mine, correction, someone I "Thought" was a friend of mine,amazingly it turns out I mean nothing to this person... WOW... where does this sound familar? Why is it that every single person that I've ever had in my life... lead me on to crush me? Not just sorry to lead you on... but no they go through the whole shabang and lead me on for sometimes YEARS, like in this case... and in the case of Rik. JUST LEAVE ME ALONE PEOPLE. (I really can't do this anymore... I physically can't take it, I EMOTIONALLY can't take it... I am not strong enough, and I don't know what I did to deserve this abandonment from so many people?) I am so damaged right now, and even lonelier than before... I litterally have nothing else to loose... save my job... if I lost that then I would be on the streets, and I do mean literally... I live pay check to paycheck and I can BARELY make it as it is. Want to tap it off God??? Take the job, I don't have anything else for you to take... I love my job... so it would be the last thing I care about... just do me one favor, after you take that can you please just end my life?
They say that your life gets worst before it gets better... well my life has ALWAYS SUCKED??? So what the fuck? I'm sorry but if this is what people mean when they tell you they care about you... then I want no fucking part of it. LIES... all fucking lies... Betrayals... Abandonment... Neglect... Thoughtlessness... Greed... Rejection... Un caring... Selfishness... and a million other words that describe what I get... Love is foreign to me, I will never know what that word is supose to mean.
Love... something that is cherished... something that is wanted... something that is needed... something that is special... something that is sought after... something that is cared for and appriciated... something that is reasured... something that is respected... something that is thought of... something that is loyal... something that is honored... something that is taken in... something that is FOUGHT for... something that is... never given up on.I will never know this word... Love...
I can change my life a thousand times... but what I can't do is control how others preceive me... I can't control how others treat me... and I can't make people care about me. I can't make someone like me, and I can't make someone be honest with me. I can't make them tell me the truth, and I can't make them respect me... I can't make them care about my feelings... I can't make them want me... and I can't make them think I'm special... I can't make them loyal.. and I cant make them feel things that they will never feel.
I really don't want anyone to bother me anymore... I just want to be left alone. I'll find my little corner in life and be perfectly content not being hurt anymore by people that are just leading me on. I would rather die alone than have to keep re living all this shit... If I have to endure this at least let it be done with. I feel like I'm a broken record and it keeps playing back the part where my heart gets torn in two... different people... same situation... over and over and over and over again. JUST LET ME BE!!! This is my plea to the world... LEAVE ME ALONE!!!
I have nothing to live for... so why are you bothering me? Go bother someone that has not suffered as I have. I have been hurt and I am hurting... and I shall forever hurt such is my life, now go bother someone else. I'm done... just let me die in peace...
lol... lets see what new and inventive ways life will drag me down this year...