I want to just disappear
Again.
Fuck this.
I don't really have anywhere to go. No one to talk to when it comes to my biggest problems and deepest fears.
I can't talk to Ryan about them, because he is part of them, and I know much of it will push him further away.
I can't talk to my mother or sister because they will just play off some of them and tell me, "I told you so."
I can't talk to my best friend, because, well, I don't HAVE a best friend anymore. Ryan is my best friend, in most respects.
My second best friend, Steve, is Ryan's best friend. Yeah, can't talk too much there, I trust him to keep his tongue, but I wouldn't want to put him in that situation.
Courtney is close, but not that close.
So, I will post this where anyone can read. Where people who know nothing about me, aside from what I have written here in the past, can read and judge me. I don't care.
For the sake of this who still have me on their friend's list, though I doubt they post much anymore, I will cut it here.
I'll go back to Thursday night. It started off well.
I had brought Chaos up to Ryan's with me. I fell asleep on the couch while he finished trading, then got up when he was finished so he wouldn't find me sleeping. I had dozed maybe 30 minutes.
So later that afternoon, as he played his UFC game on the xbox, I went to take a nap, asking him to wake me by sundown, so I did not sleep too late.
He came in to wake me, and it was still light. Yay. He said, "Yeah, Chaos is a good kitty, he'd be ok up here. (the following is not verbatim) We have four cats, right? Good thing that 3 are prettymuch outdoors."
"Uh huh," I sleepily reply.
"But no more. Not even a bird or goldfish!"
"Heehee, ok."
So, he still intends to live with me. He wants me.
I fell back asleep. He fell asleep with me, apparently after asking me another question, which he told me that he had asked me a question, but never told me WHAT he asked, he said he forgot when I asked him the next day.
We got up late, ate leftovers for dinner, and I watched him play xbox, writing down his fighters so he would know who he had played as. It was late by the time we got to bed.
Yet, we woke up at a fairly decent hour on Friday. I worked on the house a bit, then took his car to get a wash and get his mail. I got back and noticed that the xbox was on its side. I feared that during one of the spats between Chaos and Buddy the night before, one had jumped up on the shelf and knocked it over, so I righted it and turned it on to check that it still worked properly.
It did.
I made dinner: cabbage soup, pizza dough rolls, and salad. It was yummy, and Ryan was only 15 minutes late... During dinner, we put Buddy outside, only to find him limping soon after. So, we brought him back in. His foot was swollen. It appeared he had been bitten or stung. :( We let him rest and treated it with topical oil after we finished dinner.
Ryan turned on the xbox while we ate our apple pie I had prepared for him. After, he noticed the xbox was righted. "Why did you touch the xbox?" I don't know, because I did. Because I felt like it? "You moved it because you felt like it?" I must have, why else would I move it? I don't know! "Put it back."
I thought he meant the screen, I had changed it to get him closer to playing his match. So I moved that back, and went to the room to read and go to bed. I cried a bit. I was frustrated and upset. I didn't know why he got so pissy over that. I told Chaos we might be going home early.
He came to bed after a shower and laid down. He did not touch me. In fact, if he accidentally touched me with his foot, he pulled back immediately. We dozed this way, until another fight broke out between the cats. He woke and yelled. We went to find the cats and talk to them.
When we got back to bed, I apologized. He said it wasn't that he loved the xbox more than me. I figured out that it was the POSITION of the xbox that he was upset with, so I explained my action. He was all, "you didn't NOTICE that it was perfectly aligned? That it would have been at an odd angle if the cats had knocked it over, considering that it was at a considerable angle before?" No, I didn't.
He got over it, he was just upset I didn't ask before doing, or tell him about it after. He was busy when I did it, and I forgot afterward. The truth. Plus, I hadn't wanted him to know it had been knocked over, so I don't think that I intended on telling him. I don't know.
We continued talking. He is not blind to the fact we've been together for 2 years. That we have discussed moving in together. Discussed a future together. But he often feels that he is trying to change me, to make me something I'm not. It's not fair to me, and it wears on him, makes him sad, angry, frustrated, etc. He has not been able to make his home what he wants it to be, partly because of my lack of orderliness. We don't mesh together sometimes, one or the other will be dragging and we don't get things done effectively. He loves me, he really does, but he sometimes questions whether we should be together or not. (He also mentioned somewhere along the way that he is not in that stage/state of mind - meaning marraige, I think).
I cried. a LOT. I told him I am working on my messiness. He was upset that I leave receipts, things aren't orderly, that the cupboard is full of bags of stuff (sesame seeds, nuts, etc). I told him I'm trying, I'll take care of the bags in the morning. I told him that trying to live up to his cleanliness is like trying to speak another language full time, when I barely spoke it in the first place. His argument, there are plenty of examples for me around, and I've been with him for 2 years. Eh, not so much, but I guess. I was in no mood to argue. It was near sunrise and I was tired. I promised to try harder. I also asked him not to LOOK for my mistakes, that he might see I'm not so messy as he believes. He says he doesn't LOOK, but it glares at him, but he would try. I told him it feels like I could sweep, mop, vacuum, wash the dishes, etc, but all he would notice is my grocery receipt I set on the counter. He admitted that was probably true. That he WOULD notice it is indeed truth. *sigh*
Sometimes, I don't know if I can live with him. Maybe it would be best to leave now.
But I have no intentions of this.
We hugged and kissed and fell asleep, for a few hours before getting up to prepare to go to the barbeque at my mom's. I did not expect him to go. After the night before and his tendency to not "feel social," I expected him to back out. I had already started planning what I would say to my mother. But he was ready before I was. We put more stuff on Buddy and took off.
We seemed perfectly normal at the party. All cuddly and cute and oh-so sickeningly close. I told my mom a tiny bit of the night before. About the xbox. That was it. I cannot tell her more, as I stated earlier. I believe I told her about the cats though, with the living situation.
and here I will end for the night. I'm tired, the sky is getting light, and I must be up in 7 hours.
good night.
~Jennaberry
Fuck this.
I don't really have anywhere to go. No one to talk to when it comes to my biggest problems and deepest fears.
I can't talk to Ryan about them, because he is part of them, and I know much of it will push him further away.
I can't talk to my mother or sister because they will just play off some of them and tell me, "I told you so."
I can't talk to my best friend, because, well, I don't HAVE a best friend anymore. Ryan is my best friend, in most respects.
My second best friend, Steve, is Ryan's best friend. Yeah, can't talk too much there, I trust him to keep his tongue, but I wouldn't want to put him in that situation.
Courtney is close, but not that close.
So, I will post this where anyone can read. Where people who know nothing about me, aside from what I have written here in the past, can read and judge me. I don't care.
For the sake of this who still have me on their friend's list, though I doubt they post much anymore, I will cut it here.
I'll go back to Thursday night. It started off well.
I had brought Chaos up to Ryan's with me. I fell asleep on the couch while he finished trading, then got up when he was finished so he wouldn't find me sleeping. I had dozed maybe 30 minutes.
So later that afternoon, as he played his UFC game on the xbox, I went to take a nap, asking him to wake me by sundown, so I did not sleep too late.
He came in to wake me, and it was still light. Yay. He said, "Yeah, Chaos is a good kitty, he'd be ok up here. (the following is not verbatim) We have four cats, right? Good thing that 3 are prettymuch outdoors."
"Uh huh," I sleepily reply.
"But no more. Not even a bird or goldfish!"
"Heehee, ok."
So, he still intends to live with me. He wants me.
I fell back asleep. He fell asleep with me, apparently after asking me another question, which he told me that he had asked me a question, but never told me WHAT he asked, he said he forgot when I asked him the next day.
We got up late, ate leftovers for dinner, and I watched him play xbox, writing down his fighters so he would know who he had played as. It was late by the time we got to bed.
Yet, we woke up at a fairly decent hour on Friday. I worked on the house a bit, then took his car to get a wash and get his mail. I got back and noticed that the xbox was on its side. I feared that during one of the spats between Chaos and Buddy the night before, one had jumped up on the shelf and knocked it over, so I righted it and turned it on to check that it still worked properly.
It did.
I made dinner: cabbage soup, pizza dough rolls, and salad. It was yummy, and Ryan was only 15 minutes late... During dinner, we put Buddy outside, only to find him limping soon after. So, we brought him back in. His foot was swollen. It appeared he had been bitten or stung. :( We let him rest and treated it with topical oil after we finished dinner.
Ryan turned on the xbox while we ate our apple pie I had prepared for him. After, he noticed the xbox was righted. "Why did you touch the xbox?" I don't know, because I did. Because I felt like it? "You moved it because you felt like it?" I must have, why else would I move it? I don't know! "Put it back."
I thought he meant the screen, I had changed it to get him closer to playing his match. So I moved that back, and went to the room to read and go to bed. I cried a bit. I was frustrated and upset. I didn't know why he got so pissy over that. I told Chaos we might be going home early.
He came to bed after a shower and laid down. He did not touch me. In fact, if he accidentally touched me with his foot, he pulled back immediately. We dozed this way, until another fight broke out between the cats. He woke and yelled. We went to find the cats and talk to them.
When we got back to bed, I apologized. He said it wasn't that he loved the xbox more than me. I figured out that it was the POSITION of the xbox that he was upset with, so I explained my action. He was all, "you didn't NOTICE that it was perfectly aligned? That it would have been at an odd angle if the cats had knocked it over, considering that it was at a considerable angle before?" No, I didn't.
He got over it, he was just upset I didn't ask before doing, or tell him about it after. He was busy when I did it, and I forgot afterward. The truth. Plus, I hadn't wanted him to know it had been knocked over, so I don't think that I intended on telling him. I don't know.
We continued talking. He is not blind to the fact we've been together for 2 years. That we have discussed moving in together. Discussed a future together. But he often feels that he is trying to change me, to make me something I'm not. It's not fair to me, and it wears on him, makes him sad, angry, frustrated, etc. He has not been able to make his home what he wants it to be, partly because of my lack of orderliness. We don't mesh together sometimes, one or the other will be dragging and we don't get things done effectively. He loves me, he really does, but he sometimes questions whether we should be together or not. (He also mentioned somewhere along the way that he is not in that stage/state of mind - meaning marraige, I think).
I cried. a LOT. I told him I am working on my messiness. He was upset that I leave receipts, things aren't orderly, that the cupboard is full of bags of stuff (sesame seeds, nuts, etc). I told him I'm trying, I'll take care of the bags in the morning. I told him that trying to live up to his cleanliness is like trying to speak another language full time, when I barely spoke it in the first place. His argument, there are plenty of examples for me around, and I've been with him for 2 years. Eh, not so much, but I guess. I was in no mood to argue. It was near sunrise and I was tired. I promised to try harder. I also asked him not to LOOK for my mistakes, that he might see I'm not so messy as he believes. He says he doesn't LOOK, but it glares at him, but he would try. I told him it feels like I could sweep, mop, vacuum, wash the dishes, etc, but all he would notice is my grocery receipt I set on the counter. He admitted that was probably true. That he WOULD notice it is indeed truth. *sigh*
Sometimes, I don't know if I can live with him. Maybe it would be best to leave now.
But I have no intentions of this.
We hugged and kissed and fell asleep, for a few hours before getting up to prepare to go to the barbeque at my mom's. I did not expect him to go. After the night before and his tendency to not "feel social," I expected him to back out. I had already started planning what I would say to my mother. But he was ready before I was. We put more stuff on Buddy and took off.
We seemed perfectly normal at the party. All cuddly and cute and oh-so sickeningly close. I told my mom a tiny bit of the night before. About the xbox. That was it. I cannot tell her more, as I stated earlier. I believe I told her about the cats though, with the living situation.
and here I will end for the night. I'm tired, the sky is getting light, and I must be up in 7 hours.
good night.
~Jennaberry