Pre-Courtship Questionnaire - pt 4 Marital Roles
I'm still making my way through the fundamentalist relationship meme of doom: http://www.stufffundieslike.com/2013/06/the-pre-courtship-questionnaire/.
93. Why do you feel like I’m the one for you?
Heretofore, I've been answering this vaguely, to a hypothetical future wife. That's not going to work for this question, so I will instead speak to/of the woman I'm actually dating.
I've felt like this from very early in our relationship. I don't really have words to explain it, but I've been very sure.
94. Are there any verses that helped you confirm the decision?
I often write pop songs about whoever I'm dating. Well, at least a refrain or a verse or two. I wrote one very early on, when I was sure but she wasn't:
I'm in love with you
But you don't love me.
I whisper in your ears while you sleep:
'Why don't you fall for me
fall for me
fall for me?
'Like I fell for you
fell for you
fell for you?'
95. How long did you pray about this?
I really don't pray. Sometimes, because of my upbringing, I feel temptation to pray, but, as I mentioned earlier on, that tends to be correlated with things going badly wrong, I resist the temptation.
96. What counselors[sic] did you ask about it?
I spoke to all of my friends who would listen.
97. Were there any hesitations? If so, what were they?
Nope. Well, sometimes I worry she's going to want to move to Russia and I'm kind of unhappy with that country lately.
98. Do you think we’re compatible? Why?
This seems to be the case.
99. Do you think of us as a team?
Sometimes? I don't think I'm qualified to make sports analogies.
100. Do you think of me as the wife:
Numbering error!!!
101. Behind you
102. Leading you or
103. Beside you
....Going back to my hypothetical future spouse....
I'd prefer 'beside' most of the time, but everybody has different strengths and weaknesses. There's going to be times when I'm in the lead and there's going to be times when she's in the lead. If I were married to an estate agent and we wanted to buy a house, for example, it would be most sensible to have her be in the lead on that. How things work out is situational, but we should strive for equality overall.
104. What do you feel is God’s will for our lives together?
The flying spaghetti monster wishes that we will often share meals of pasta?
105. How do you see God using us as a couple?
Oh, is this more an ancient Greek/Roman sort of god? I'm REALLY not cool with threesomes involving giant swans. Actually, I'm not even entirely certain about them when everybody is human. Somewhat more likely to agree to MFF than MMF, but I really would like to give monogamy a go right now. I think it's definitely what I want for the foundational years. A few years on, I might be willing to renegotiate.
106. What do you believe are non-negotiable elements of a Christ-honoring marriage?
My unwillingness to do this is non-negotiable.
107. After marriage, do you think that you are one to express romantic feelings verbally?
I would hope that marriage would not diminish this.
108. After marriage, do you think that you want to express affection in public?
I'm often uncomfortable with PDAs. I mean, drunken snogging on public transport is fine because drunk. But other times, it makes me feel like I'm expressing straight privilege. Or I just haven't lost the nervousness I had before I got straight privilege.
109. When there is a dispute in your marriage, religious or otherwise, how should the conflict get resolved?
By talking it out and compromising. If that doesn't work, then I would think that a mediator of some kind should get called in. If people love each other and want to be together, these things can often be resolved, but not always. Sometimes people just have completely incompatible life goals. I would hope these would become apparent before marriage.
110. What is your understanding of a Christian marriage?
Both people in it need to be Christian? I've got nothing against it, as it doesn't effect me.
111. Why have you chosen me/other person as a potential spouse?
I've just actually fallen for my gf and want to keep her around.
112. What is the role of the husband?
To be one half of an equal partnership.
113. What is the role of the wife?
To be one half of an equal partnership.
Assigning rolls based on gender is silly. If I were dating a chartered accountant but thought I should always do finances because I'm male identified, this would be very obviously an error on my part. Just because other errors are less obvious doesn't make them not-errors. Rolls should be negotiated based on the skills, interests and abilities of the partners. And this negotiation should be ongoing as people grow and change.
114. If you already subscribe to the concept of courtship, give me your definition of it.
This is what fundamentalists do instead of dating, right?
115. Do you tend to be more of a leader or follower in life? Can you cite any examples?
I'm not alpha, but I do sometimes take leadership roles. I've been to many protests, but only planned one of them.
116. In making decisions, what role does God’s Word play?
Some people do this thing where they close their eyes, flip to a random page of the bible and poke it with a pin. Where the pin lands is what they do. I think this could go very wrong. What if you got one about waging wars or killing somebody's family?
117. What is your attitude toward women? What is their purpose?
Surely each woman can pick her own purpose.
118. What is your view on the role of a wife?
Surely each wife can pick her own role?
119. What are your views on women working outside the home?
They should have equal pay and equal access to promotion, etc as their colleagues.
120. What are your views concerning divorce and remarriage?
I've been divorced once. I don't want to do that again.
121. Can you tell me your thoughts on how a man should provide for a wife and family?
Erm, well, if his income is needed to provide for the family, he should get some income. If the family would most benefit from a house-husband and he's ok with it, then he should do that. It's important that everybody be careful about long term income consequences of anyone being out of work for too long.
122. Can you tell me your thoughts on how a man should protect a wife and children? How do you feel about guns?
Men should strive to end the violence that contributes to everyone - women, children and other men- being unsafe. This means that violence must be avoided whenever possible. When violence cannot be avoided, those involved in confrontations should ideally first appeal to the state, as they are meant to have a monopoly on the legitimate use of violence. Of course, sometimes it is necessary to act in self-defence, but this should be avoided as much as is possible. And in some circumstances, summoning the police make a situation much more dangerous for everyone involved, alas.
Obviously, limiting the availability of guns will also reduce violence and so people, including men, can increase the safety of vulnerable groups by working to reduce the number of guns - by supporting gun control legislation and by not having a gun in their home.
Furthermore, men and other adults need to take a stand against violence in society and perpetuated by the state and capitalist system, whether it be direct violence or structural violence.
123. How do you see your future relationship with your in-laws working out?
As stated previously, I would follow the lead of my hypothetical future wife. Ideally, I would like to get on well with them and attend family events.
124. What has been your prior experience with dating and romance? Have you ever kissed or been physically intimate in any way with a girl/woman? If so, explain the circumstances.
As girls are children, I've had none of this kind of experience with them. I'm kind of alarmed that anyone has to ask this question.
As to women, it would be gauche to kiss and tell. Be assured that I've been tested and am willing to repeat any STI tests. And that I will endeavour to use my experience and other knowledge to make sure my hypothetical future spouse is happy about things occurring under this domain.
125. What is your stand on abortion? What about in the case of rape?
All people have an absolute right to control their own bodies. Rape is a terrible violation of this right, as is restricting access to abortion.
As a feminist ally, it is not enough for me to say that abortion doesn't effect me, but I need to actively support it remaining safe and legal. Also, I feel men including myself should have some roll in fighting rape culture, but I'm somewhat vague on the specifics of what I should be doing about it.
126. How do you relate to children? How often are you around children?
They seem nice. I get on well with my nephew, who I see about once a year.
127. What are your thoughts regarding birth control and family planning?
It seems like a good idea, but as I'm infertile, will not be an issue for my hypothetical future spouse.
128. How many children do you hope to have?
I'd start with one and see how things go.
129. What is your attitude toward adopting children?
Well, it's often very problematic. People don't tend to want to give up their children (adoptive parents have the same rate of suicide, etc as parents whose babies die) and they very often make this choice for economic reasons. It would often be better to help out economically to preserve a family than to permanently sever family ties. For these reasons, I'm extremely wary of international adoptions.
There exists something called open adoptions where the birth parents retain regular contact with their offspring, although the adoptive parents have full custody. These aren't available everywhere, but if I was to adopt, I would try to get an arrangement as close to that as possible.
130. What are your views on child training, including corporal punishment?
I used to have a dog that was well-behaved and thus well-liked and welcome everywhere. She responded very well to positive re-enforcement and poorly to negative re-enforcement. I'd like my hypothetical future children to be well-behaved and suspect strongly that corporal punishment for them would probably have the same effect on them as it did on me: to make me extremely loud and full of rage. It made me distrust my parents and whatever I'd done to merit punishment, I'd vow to repeat a hundred times, to show they couldn't break me. In short, it was a disaster. I could, however, be bribed.
And, as stated above, I feel it is the role of men (and all adults) to reduce violence. Obviously, doling out violence does not reduce it.
131. What are your views on homeschooling?
My mother was home-schooled and felt strongly that it negatively impacted her social development and lead to life-long issues interacting with people. I would not want that for my hypothetical future children.
As a social phenomenon, I think its a disaster for society. My grandmother was a fully-trained teacher, but most home-schooling parents are not. Their children end up uneducated, poorly socialised and separate from mainstream society. This handicaps them in later life and damages society as a whole.
132. What are your thoughts on family worship? What would be the key attributes of such a practice in your home?
Seriously, if this were to become a thing in my home, it would so violate my principles that I would probably be considering divorce.
133. When you fail someone, what actions do you take to rectify the situation?
Obviously, I need to apologise. If it's serious, I need to be meek in that, because an apology is an additional demand for somebody's time and attention and an implicit request for forgiveness. If somebody is really upset with me, I need to be very careful about making additional demands. Also, if I've caused somebody hardship or whatever, I do need to make amends for that. Finally, and importantly, I need to make extra efforts not to repeat the error.
134. Are you honest? Do you ever slant the truth for your own benefit?
I'm very honest to the point where I feel I have to disclose that I do sometimes tell white lies or slant the truth in my favour, but not very often.
135. How have you prepared yourself for marriage?
Until this moment, I had never pondered this question. I've tried to learn from the mistakes and successes of my past relationships. also, I've memorised a lot of clichés about how to argue and whatnot. I feel like my life experiences have prepared me without me setting out to specifically prepare, which, if you think about it, would actually be kind of weird...
136. In what ways do you think you may need to grow before marriage?
I'm 37 and am grown enough.
137. What does “leave and cleave” mean to you? Are you prepared to put your wife first, before all others, including your parents? Give me an example of what this may look like to you.
This is a bible verse that I actually like and know. Spouses must leave their father and mother and cleave to one another as one flesh. In practice, this means that if one's spouse gets into a row with one's family members, one is automatically on the side of one's spouse. So if my hypothetical spouse's brother decides I'm the cause of their suicide attempt . . . gah, unless I'm gas lighting him, which is not something I can see myself doing, my HFS should see this as the assertion of somebody who is seriously mentally ill and needs help.
138. How do you think your spouse should spend vacations?
This seems like a very specific question. I mean, I'm hoping to live 50ish more years at least, so maybe we could pencil in a beach holiday, maybe a visit to a historic city that includes lots of sightseeing. Maybe we could have working holidays tacked on the back of conferences or musical tours. Maybe we could go on some backpacking trips. Really, I'm open to suggestions.
139. What is your view of Divorce?
Even if people love each other and have good intentions, things can go disastrously wrong. For the sake of their human rights, people do need to be able to escape from bad relationships.
140. Is there ever a cause for divorce?
Things sometimes get just too fucked up to sort them out. Or people sometimes stop living each other. I think love can be re-kindled and people who have made a commitment have an obligation to try everything they can to fix things, but this just doesn't always work.
141. Can you ever justify it?
Well, I got divorced once.
142. Is there anything that separates a Man and Woman once God joins them together?
This question is an unnecessarily heteronormative restatement of the past several questions.
143. What about immorality or unfaithfulness in the marriage?
Marriages last a long time and it might be unrealistic to expect monogamy to continue over the entire duration. I'm not keen on the idea of cheating and I probably don't want to know about it, but I'd expect my HFS to take precautions against disease and pregnancy and to get tested. I'd much rather have a discussion about monogamy first, which is not something I'm likely to want to modify early on. I want to be clear that a secret fling is a terrible idea, but if I love my HFS enough to marry them, I love them enough to forgive them for it. But I'd be pretty pissed off.
144. How would you respond to me if I notice something about a lady in relation to you that bothers me?
Like if you don't like my sister in law?
Oh, if you think I'm flirting with somebody in front of you? That would be pretty fucking rude of me.
145. Would you listen to me if I asked you to stay away from someone?
If I was in some sort of relationship that was bordering on inappropriate, I would hope I would put the breaks on it myself. But if I hadn't, and my HFS had noticed, it would be exceedingly wise for me to put the breaks on right then.
However, I would get exceedingly annoyed if my HFS started just trying to cut off my friends.
146. What is your view of Marriage?
There are very practical reasons to seek state recognition for a relationship. This absolutely does not need to demand or imply any kind of normative arrangement of that relationship.
147. Do you consider yourself a giver or a taker?
Nobody wants to describe themselves as a taker!
148. How would your family and friends describe you in the above question?
I would hope I'm seen as fairly generous.
149. What is your view of a:
a. Father?
A giver of parental guidance, training, support and love.
b. Husband?
A married man.
c. Wife?
A married woman.
d. Mother?
A giver of parental guidance, training, support and love.
e. Son?
Any male-identified person is somebody's son.
f. Daughter?
Any female-identified person is somebody's daughter.
150. What part does each of them play?
The roles of spouses are negotiated between adults and so they have a large amount of freedom to figure those out for themselves.
The roles of parents involve dependants who don't necessarily have much agency. Therefore, the parents must make a commitment to give life-long love and support to their offspring. However, the practical application of this must change over time to reflect the changing agency and needs of their offspring. Parenthood does not look like its easy.
It is an unavoidable consequence of the human condition that the state of being someone's offspring is sprung upon children without their consent. Therefore, while the parent has an obligation to civilise and love their children, the children have no obligations in return.
151. What are their roles in life?
Wait, wasn't that also the above question?
As somebody's son, I want to provide love and support to him as he gets on in years.
As somebody's sibling, I want to keep up a relationship with him.
As somebody's uncle, I want to establish a relationship with him, be a role model,and be somebody he can turn to if he feels he needs it and have my door always open to him.
I foresee myself providing love and support to my hypothetical future spouse and to my hypothetical future child.
93. Why do you feel like I’m the one for you?
Heretofore, I've been answering this vaguely, to a hypothetical future wife. That's not going to work for this question, so I will instead speak to/of the woman I'm actually dating.
I've felt like this from very early in our relationship. I don't really have words to explain it, but I've been very sure.
94. Are there any verses that helped you confirm the decision?
I often write pop songs about whoever I'm dating. Well, at least a refrain or a verse or two. I wrote one very early on, when I was sure but she wasn't:
I'm in love with you
But you don't love me.
I whisper in your ears while you sleep:
'Why don't you fall for me
fall for me
fall for me?
'Like I fell for you
fell for you
fell for you?'
95. How long did you pray about this?
I really don't pray. Sometimes, because of my upbringing, I feel temptation to pray, but, as I mentioned earlier on, that tends to be correlated with things going badly wrong, I resist the temptation.
96. What counselors[sic] did you ask about it?
I spoke to all of my friends who would listen.
97. Were there any hesitations? If so, what were they?
Nope. Well, sometimes I worry she's going to want to move to Russia and I'm kind of unhappy with that country lately.
98. Do you think we’re compatible? Why?
This seems to be the case.
99. Do you think of us as a team?
Sometimes? I don't think I'm qualified to make sports analogies.
100. Do you think of me as the wife:
Numbering error!!!
101. Behind you
102. Leading you or
103. Beside you
....Going back to my hypothetical future spouse....
I'd prefer 'beside' most of the time, but everybody has different strengths and weaknesses. There's going to be times when I'm in the lead and there's going to be times when she's in the lead. If I were married to an estate agent and we wanted to buy a house, for example, it would be most sensible to have her be in the lead on that. How things work out is situational, but we should strive for equality overall.
104. What do you feel is God’s will for our lives together?
The flying spaghetti monster wishes that we will often share meals of pasta?
105. How do you see God using us as a couple?
Oh, is this more an ancient Greek/Roman sort of god? I'm REALLY not cool with threesomes involving giant swans. Actually, I'm not even entirely certain about them when everybody is human. Somewhat more likely to agree to MFF than MMF, but I really would like to give monogamy a go right now. I think it's definitely what I want for the foundational years. A few years on, I might be willing to renegotiate.
106. What do you believe are non-negotiable elements of a Christ-honoring marriage?
My unwillingness to do this is non-negotiable.
107. After marriage, do you think that you are one to express romantic feelings verbally?
I would hope that marriage would not diminish this.
108. After marriage, do you think that you want to express affection in public?
I'm often uncomfortable with PDAs. I mean, drunken snogging on public transport is fine because drunk. But other times, it makes me feel like I'm expressing straight privilege. Or I just haven't lost the nervousness I had before I got straight privilege.
109. When there is a dispute in your marriage, religious or otherwise, how should the conflict get resolved?
By talking it out and compromising. If that doesn't work, then I would think that a mediator of some kind should get called in. If people love each other and want to be together, these things can often be resolved, but not always. Sometimes people just have completely incompatible life goals. I would hope these would become apparent before marriage.
110. What is your understanding of a Christian marriage?
Both people in it need to be Christian? I've got nothing against it, as it doesn't effect me.
111. Why have you chosen me/other person as a potential spouse?
I've just actually fallen for my gf and want to keep her around.
112. What is the role of the husband?
To be one half of an equal partnership.
113. What is the role of the wife?
To be one half of an equal partnership.
Assigning rolls based on gender is silly. If I were dating a chartered accountant but thought I should always do finances because I'm male identified, this would be very obviously an error on my part. Just because other errors are less obvious doesn't make them not-errors. Rolls should be negotiated based on the skills, interests and abilities of the partners. And this negotiation should be ongoing as people grow and change.
114. If you already subscribe to the concept of courtship, give me your definition of it.
This is what fundamentalists do instead of dating, right?
115. Do you tend to be more of a leader or follower in life? Can you cite any examples?
I'm not alpha, but I do sometimes take leadership roles. I've been to many protests, but only planned one of them.
116. In making decisions, what role does God’s Word play?
Some people do this thing where they close their eyes, flip to a random page of the bible and poke it with a pin. Where the pin lands is what they do. I think this could go very wrong. What if you got one about waging wars or killing somebody's family?
117. What is your attitude toward women? What is their purpose?
Surely each woman can pick her own purpose.
118. What is your view on the role of a wife?
Surely each wife can pick her own role?
119. What are your views on women working outside the home?
They should have equal pay and equal access to promotion, etc as their colleagues.
120. What are your views concerning divorce and remarriage?
I've been divorced once. I don't want to do that again.
121. Can you tell me your thoughts on how a man should provide for a wife and family?
Erm, well, if his income is needed to provide for the family, he should get some income. If the family would most benefit from a house-husband and he's ok with it, then he should do that. It's important that everybody be careful about long term income consequences of anyone being out of work for too long.
122. Can you tell me your thoughts on how a man should protect a wife and children? How do you feel about guns?
Men should strive to end the violence that contributes to everyone - women, children and other men- being unsafe. This means that violence must be avoided whenever possible. When violence cannot be avoided, those involved in confrontations should ideally first appeal to the state, as they are meant to have a monopoly on the legitimate use of violence. Of course, sometimes it is necessary to act in self-defence, but this should be avoided as much as is possible. And in some circumstances, summoning the police make a situation much more dangerous for everyone involved, alas.
Obviously, limiting the availability of guns will also reduce violence and so people, including men, can increase the safety of vulnerable groups by working to reduce the number of guns - by supporting gun control legislation and by not having a gun in their home.
Furthermore, men and other adults need to take a stand against violence in society and perpetuated by the state and capitalist system, whether it be direct violence or structural violence.
123. How do you see your future relationship with your in-laws working out?
As stated previously, I would follow the lead of my hypothetical future wife. Ideally, I would like to get on well with them and attend family events.
124. What has been your prior experience with dating and romance? Have you ever kissed or been physically intimate in any way with a girl/woman? If so, explain the circumstances.
As girls are children, I've had none of this kind of experience with them. I'm kind of alarmed that anyone has to ask this question.
As to women, it would be gauche to kiss and tell. Be assured that I've been tested and am willing to repeat any STI tests. And that I will endeavour to use my experience and other knowledge to make sure my hypothetical future spouse is happy about things occurring under this domain.
125. What is your stand on abortion? What about in the case of rape?
All people have an absolute right to control their own bodies. Rape is a terrible violation of this right, as is restricting access to abortion.
As a feminist ally, it is not enough for me to say that abortion doesn't effect me, but I need to actively support it remaining safe and legal. Also, I feel men including myself should have some roll in fighting rape culture, but I'm somewhat vague on the specifics of what I should be doing about it.
126. How do you relate to children? How often are you around children?
They seem nice. I get on well with my nephew, who I see about once a year.
127. What are your thoughts regarding birth control and family planning?
It seems like a good idea, but as I'm infertile, will not be an issue for my hypothetical future spouse.
128. How many children do you hope to have?
I'd start with one and see how things go.
129. What is your attitude toward adopting children?
Well, it's often very problematic. People don't tend to want to give up their children (adoptive parents have the same rate of suicide, etc as parents whose babies die) and they very often make this choice for economic reasons. It would often be better to help out economically to preserve a family than to permanently sever family ties. For these reasons, I'm extremely wary of international adoptions.
There exists something called open adoptions where the birth parents retain regular contact with their offspring, although the adoptive parents have full custody. These aren't available everywhere, but if I was to adopt, I would try to get an arrangement as close to that as possible.
130. What are your views on child training, including corporal punishment?
I used to have a dog that was well-behaved and thus well-liked and welcome everywhere. She responded very well to positive re-enforcement and poorly to negative re-enforcement. I'd like my hypothetical future children to be well-behaved and suspect strongly that corporal punishment for them would probably have the same effect on them as it did on me: to make me extremely loud and full of rage. It made me distrust my parents and whatever I'd done to merit punishment, I'd vow to repeat a hundred times, to show they couldn't break me. In short, it was a disaster. I could, however, be bribed.
And, as stated above, I feel it is the role of men (and all adults) to reduce violence. Obviously, doling out violence does not reduce it.
131. What are your views on homeschooling?
My mother was home-schooled and felt strongly that it negatively impacted her social development and lead to life-long issues interacting with people. I would not want that for my hypothetical future children.
As a social phenomenon, I think its a disaster for society. My grandmother was a fully-trained teacher, but most home-schooling parents are not. Their children end up uneducated, poorly socialised and separate from mainstream society. This handicaps them in later life and damages society as a whole.
132. What are your thoughts on family worship? What would be the key attributes of such a practice in your home?
Seriously, if this were to become a thing in my home, it would so violate my principles that I would probably be considering divorce.
133. When you fail someone, what actions do you take to rectify the situation?
Obviously, I need to apologise. If it's serious, I need to be meek in that, because an apology is an additional demand for somebody's time and attention and an implicit request for forgiveness. If somebody is really upset with me, I need to be very careful about making additional demands. Also, if I've caused somebody hardship or whatever, I do need to make amends for that. Finally, and importantly, I need to make extra efforts not to repeat the error.
134. Are you honest? Do you ever slant the truth for your own benefit?
I'm very honest to the point where I feel I have to disclose that I do sometimes tell white lies or slant the truth in my favour, but not very often.
135. How have you prepared yourself for marriage?
Until this moment, I had never pondered this question. I've tried to learn from the mistakes and successes of my past relationships. also, I've memorised a lot of clichés about how to argue and whatnot. I feel like my life experiences have prepared me without me setting out to specifically prepare, which, if you think about it, would actually be kind of weird...
136. In what ways do you think you may need to grow before marriage?
I'm 37 and am grown enough.
137. What does “leave and cleave” mean to you? Are you prepared to put your wife first, before all others, including your parents? Give me an example of what this may look like to you.
This is a bible verse that I actually like and know. Spouses must leave their father and mother and cleave to one another as one flesh. In practice, this means that if one's spouse gets into a row with one's family members, one is automatically on the side of one's spouse. So if my hypothetical spouse's brother decides I'm the cause of their suicide attempt . . . gah, unless I'm gas lighting him, which is not something I can see myself doing, my HFS should see this as the assertion of somebody who is seriously mentally ill and needs help.
138. How do you think your spouse should spend vacations?
This seems like a very specific question. I mean, I'm hoping to live 50ish more years at least, so maybe we could pencil in a beach holiday, maybe a visit to a historic city that includes lots of sightseeing. Maybe we could have working holidays tacked on the back of conferences or musical tours. Maybe we could go on some backpacking trips. Really, I'm open to suggestions.
139. What is your view of Divorce?
Even if people love each other and have good intentions, things can go disastrously wrong. For the sake of their human rights, people do need to be able to escape from bad relationships.
140. Is there ever a cause for divorce?
Things sometimes get just too fucked up to sort them out. Or people sometimes stop living each other. I think love can be re-kindled and people who have made a commitment have an obligation to try everything they can to fix things, but this just doesn't always work.
141. Can you ever justify it?
Well, I got divorced once.
142. Is there anything that separates a Man and Woman once God joins them together?
This question is an unnecessarily heteronormative restatement of the past several questions.
143. What about immorality or unfaithfulness in the marriage?
Marriages last a long time and it might be unrealistic to expect monogamy to continue over the entire duration. I'm not keen on the idea of cheating and I probably don't want to know about it, but I'd expect my HFS to take precautions against disease and pregnancy and to get tested. I'd much rather have a discussion about monogamy first, which is not something I'm likely to want to modify early on. I want to be clear that a secret fling is a terrible idea, but if I love my HFS enough to marry them, I love them enough to forgive them for it. But I'd be pretty pissed off.
144. How would you respond to me if I notice something about a lady in relation to you that bothers me?
Like if you don't like my sister in law?
Oh, if you think I'm flirting with somebody in front of you? That would be pretty fucking rude of me.
145. Would you listen to me if I asked you to stay away from someone?
If I was in some sort of relationship that was bordering on inappropriate, I would hope I would put the breaks on it myself. But if I hadn't, and my HFS had noticed, it would be exceedingly wise for me to put the breaks on right then.
However, I would get exceedingly annoyed if my HFS started just trying to cut off my friends.
146. What is your view of Marriage?
There are very practical reasons to seek state recognition for a relationship. This absolutely does not need to demand or imply any kind of normative arrangement of that relationship.
147. Do you consider yourself a giver or a taker?
Nobody wants to describe themselves as a taker!
148. How would your family and friends describe you in the above question?
I would hope I'm seen as fairly generous.
149. What is your view of a:
a. Father?
A giver of parental guidance, training, support and love.
b. Husband?
A married man.
c. Wife?
A married woman.
d. Mother?
A giver of parental guidance, training, support and love.
e. Son?
Any male-identified person is somebody's son.
f. Daughter?
Any female-identified person is somebody's daughter.
150. What part does each of them play?
The roles of spouses are negotiated between adults and so they have a large amount of freedom to figure those out for themselves.
The roles of parents involve dependants who don't necessarily have much agency. Therefore, the parents must make a commitment to give life-long love and support to their offspring. However, the practical application of this must change over time to reflect the changing agency and needs of their offspring. Parenthood does not look like its easy.
It is an unavoidable consequence of the human condition that the state of being someone's offspring is sprung upon children without their consent. Therefore, while the parent has an obligation to civilise and love their children, the children have no obligations in return.
151. What are their roles in life?
Wait, wasn't that also the above question?
As somebody's son, I want to provide love and support to him as he gets on in years.
As somebody's sibling, I want to keep up a relationship with him.
As somebody's uncle, I want to establish a relationship with him, be a role model,and be somebody he can turn to if he feels he needs it and have my door always open to him.
I foresee myself providing love and support to my hypothetical future spouse and to my hypothetical future child.