(no subject)
All I want in life is to be happy, be social and go out and DO stuff and LIVE *WITH* people. I *need* people. I'm a total Extrovert.
But I have been so fucked up and beaten down that I am honestly not sure I am capable of doing that anyone. I hole up and hide out in my room. Barely go to work (thanks telework). Hate everybody around me and take everything WAY too seriously and live in constant fear of judgmental stares or stares in general from the anybody in the world.
I really need to see a therapist to work it out but I'm pretty sure the first few sessions will just be me crying.
A partial list of shit that's weighing on me and preventing me from getting my shit together:
- when my so called best friend told everybody who i liked in 6th grade and when i tried to talk to her, she laughed in my face and then hit me in the face with a soccer ball and everybody laughed and when i ran home crying my mom didn't believe Stephanie would ever do such a thing.
- being asked if i was 120lbs when i was 103...
- being told i was too thin. being rejected for being too fat.
- being called a self absorbed party girl slut to my face and behind my back
- when nobody came to my 21st birthday and i spent the night crying in my room alone
- being told I was selfish and exhausting to be around
All of these instances came when I was at the HEIGHT of what I thought as my fulfillment and happiness. When I was thee most social, most outgoing, most cheerful, when I had so much going on and going for me, and most ME. And every single time I was CRUSHED.
And now its like I don't know HOW to be happy anymore. I used to be able to strike up conversations with anyone and find common interests and I LOVED connecting people to other people and knowing mutual interests and suggesting fun activities and trips within hours or days of meeting people. Now the idea of going out in public - say nothing of talking to people, even ones I know - just. ugh. I don't want to.
I am so angry at myself for letting me get beaten down by the world but it's not like those times weren't without their flaws yaknow. To me: I was happy being a flirt and a social butterfly and I just enjoyed my life - but that doesn't mean I wasn't on occasion, self absorbed, selfish, exhausting, or plain bratty. I have my flaws...but having what I saw as my strengths get me villainized ...I struggled each time to come back from that that I doubt I ever truly worked on those flaws so much as developing new neuroses around those strengths...
idk. I just. I desperately miss the person I used to be even if I have rose-colored-glassed the image of that girl. And I don't know how to move forward. I don't know how to fix my flaws and I feel like I've lost my strenghts.
I know its been said that 'nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent' and all those other lovely crap about not letting other people get to you and loving yoruself and whatever but -
i tired and lost and confused and scared.
I'm not a good person. I'm not particularly good at being considerate and compassionate and giving. I'm not particularly observant but damn I can judge with the best of them. I take the easy way out whenever possible and I'm a total slob.
All I've ever been good at is being pretty and trendy and social and fun; at organizing events and people and being loud and breaking the ice and making people feel comfortable.
Unfortunately, that comes with the need to have a thick skin to criticism and gossip and people wanting to put you down or judge you and GOD i am so messed up from all of that at this point.
But I have been so fucked up and beaten down that I am honestly not sure I am capable of doing that anyone. I hole up and hide out in my room. Barely go to work (thanks telework). Hate everybody around me and take everything WAY too seriously and live in constant fear of judgmental stares or stares in general from the anybody in the world.
I really need to see a therapist to work it out but I'm pretty sure the first few sessions will just be me crying.
A partial list of shit that's weighing on me and preventing me from getting my shit together:
- when my so called best friend told everybody who i liked in 6th grade and when i tried to talk to her, she laughed in my face and then hit me in the face with a soccer ball and everybody laughed and when i ran home crying my mom didn't believe Stephanie would ever do such a thing.
- being asked if i was 120lbs when i was 103...
- being told i was too thin. being rejected for being too fat.
- being called a self absorbed party girl slut to my face and behind my back
- when nobody came to my 21st birthday and i spent the night crying in my room alone
- being told I was selfish and exhausting to be around
All of these instances came when I was at the HEIGHT of what I thought as my fulfillment and happiness. When I was thee most social, most outgoing, most cheerful, when I had so much going on and going for me, and most ME. And every single time I was CRUSHED.
And now its like I don't know HOW to be happy anymore. I used to be able to strike up conversations with anyone and find common interests and I LOVED connecting people to other people and knowing mutual interests and suggesting fun activities and trips within hours or days of meeting people. Now the idea of going out in public - say nothing of talking to people, even ones I know - just. ugh. I don't want to.
I am so angry at myself for letting me get beaten down by the world but it's not like those times weren't without their flaws yaknow. To me: I was happy being a flirt and a social butterfly and I just enjoyed my life - but that doesn't mean I wasn't on occasion, self absorbed, selfish, exhausting, or plain bratty. I have my flaws...but having what I saw as my strengths get me villainized ...I struggled each time to come back from that that I doubt I ever truly worked on those flaws so much as developing new neuroses around those strengths...
idk. I just. I desperately miss the person I used to be even if I have rose-colored-glassed the image of that girl. And I don't know how to move forward. I don't know how to fix my flaws and I feel like I've lost my strenghts.
I know its been said that 'nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent' and all those other lovely crap about not letting other people get to you and loving yoruself and whatever but -
i tired and lost and confused and scared.
I'm not a good person. I'm not particularly good at being considerate and compassionate and giving. I'm not particularly observant but damn I can judge with the best of them. I take the easy way out whenever possible and I'm a total slob.
All I've ever been good at is being pretty and trendy and social and fun; at organizing events and people and being loud and breaking the ice and making people feel comfortable.
Unfortunately, that comes with the need to have a thick skin to criticism and gossip and people wanting to put you down or judge you and GOD i am so messed up from all of that at this point.