(no subject)
So I was reading this article "Marriage isn't for you" and it's actually a really good and interesting read. It's about how marriage is not FOR you. Marriage/love is loving someone else. It's finding that person that *you* WANT to MAKE HAPPY. Finding the person you want to shower with you love, whose smile lights up your world and whose smile YOU want to put on THEIR face! I never thought about love like that! And it really made me realize why it is that I'm always single! And why the friends that are I have that are single are also single while others are able to find happy and/or long term happiness/relationships/partners.
It's because we're selfish! Not selfish like greedy but selfish as in focused on looking inward rather than outward. Being so worried about being someone that can be loved that we can't accept in love and we can't express love to others. We're scared to give love to others - afraid of rejection or being deemed unworthy. The people I know who are in loving relationships, they are the sweetest people I know. They're the ones who genuinely care and notice when I'm upset and ask about my day and want to know the answer. The people I know who are in happy healthy long term relationships are the ones who always give me the most thoughtful gifts without me even realizing I wanted that thing! They're always thinking of others and considering their needs. THATS why they find someone who wants to reciprocate that to them.
Instead, I'm always so focused on my own flaws and consequently my own needs (the need to be beautiful enough to be loved by the "Right Person") that I'm not emotional available or willing to open up to a relationship. I consider gifts I want to give friends and think of them but then balk at the cost or worry about the 'precedent' it would set - that's so ridiculous! I don't want people to feel obligated to me. I don't want to burden people with my problems. Instead I endlessly obsess in my own head about my own flaws and assume that everybody around me notices and sees and judges me for them when really, I'm the only one doing that!! THATS why I'm still single. Because I'm not ready for the Right Person to see me with a makeup less face in raggidy pjs sprawled out lazy on my bed. No no, all my former boyfriends/paramours have always seen me perfectly clean, perfectly shaven, perfectly dressed, perfectly made up. That's also why none of them worked out...
It's because we're selfish! Not selfish like greedy but selfish as in focused on looking inward rather than outward. Being so worried about being someone that can be loved that we can't accept in love and we can't express love to others. We're scared to give love to others - afraid of rejection or being deemed unworthy. The people I know who are in loving relationships, they are the sweetest people I know. They're the ones who genuinely care and notice when I'm upset and ask about my day and want to know the answer. The people I know who are in happy healthy long term relationships are the ones who always give me the most thoughtful gifts without me even realizing I wanted that thing! They're always thinking of others and considering their needs. THATS why they find someone who wants to reciprocate that to them.
Instead, I'm always so focused on my own flaws and consequently my own needs (the need to be beautiful enough to be loved by the "Right Person") that I'm not emotional available or willing to open up to a relationship. I consider gifts I want to give friends and think of them but then balk at the cost or worry about the 'precedent' it would set - that's so ridiculous! I don't want people to feel obligated to me. I don't want to burden people with my problems. Instead I endlessly obsess in my own head about my own flaws and assume that everybody around me notices and sees and judges me for them when really, I'm the only one doing that!! THATS why I'm still single. Because I'm not ready for the Right Person to see me with a makeup less face in raggidy pjs sprawled out lazy on my bed. No no, all my former boyfriends/paramours have always seen me perfectly clean, perfectly shaven, perfectly dressed, perfectly made up. That's also why none of them worked out...