Who freaking uses the word 'scintillating'?
Sadly Benjamin Button was sold out tonight so I went to see Frost/Nixon again (I was too embarassed to go and see Bolt on my own) and loved it as much as I did the first time. Michael Sheen = Phwoar! Since I'm now in need of a few favourite actor, I have a feeling this guy's going to fill the role. Bring on The Damned United (which I saw a trailer for tonight and it had the song from the strip scene in the Drew Carey Show - proof that I'm getting a bit too into tying things to WLiiA).
My sister is part of this newly formed comedy group at school and I promised her she could use a bunch of old stuff I'd written a few months ago (I posted one of the sketches here if I remember correctly). I was trying to get back into a writing groove tonight and bashed out this little sketch for her. Guess what it's a parody of. *grin*
Bella (very frozen face but over dramatic voice and actions):
I'm Isabella Swan, translation 'beautiful swan.' Oh woe is me! I'm stuck in this stupid little town that I despise even though it was my choice to come here. I hope everyone knows what a martyr I am, where's my big statue? My stupid dad is stupid and this whole town is stupid. I'm so plain and meek, I'll never make any friends. I'll always be a special outcast.
Two girls and two guys enter looking very eager.
Girl 1:
Oh hiiiii there! You must be the new girl!
We love you, you're so amazing! You're the best girl I've ever met!
Boy 1:
God, check out those cans! Will you go out with me?
Boy 2:
Love me!
As the group ridiculously fawns over Bella she takes in all the attention and poses in a very confident way, almost a bit slutty. Beyonce Knowles style dancing preferred. The group continues to love her, using words like "special", "gorgeous" and "hot piece of ass". They eventually leave, leaving Bella alone.
Bella:
Ugh! Why won't those ugly boring humans leave me alone? Nobody understands me. I've got thoughts. Deep, dark thoughts that really don't have an explanation and contain lots of phrases I raped from a thesaurus. I'm so alone! I hate it here!
Edward walks past. He is clearly dead, with grey skin and an Igor style walk. He has blood dripping from his slack jawed mouth and unusually gravity defying hair. He is followed by 2 boys and 2 girls, equally zombie-like.
Bella (gasping):
Oh, who is that incandescent, beautiful, scintillating, gorgeous, amazing, smoking pile of man?And his equally stunning flunkies?
Girl 1 steps back in.
Those are the Cullens and the Hales. They're so beautiful and mysterious and they never interact with others or sharp gardening objects. There's Alice, the token quirky one...she's dating Jasper. He's like a walking flag pole.
Alice steps forward, doing a little hair flip. Jasper follows, looking a little more anal.
Alice and Jasper:
Brains...
Girl 1:
Then there's Rosalie and Emmett. He's like a brick shithouse with no discernable personality and she's a blonde Barbie bitch. All blondes are Barbie bitches, not like deep, beautiful and perfect brunettes like you!
Rosalie and Emmett step forward.
Rosalie and Emmett:
Brains...
Girl 1:
And the final one, the most perfect man to ever walk the earth, is Edward!
Girl 1 makes a noise that could easily be confused with a climax.
Girl 1:
But he must be gay. 17 year old virgin, doesn't compute. Nobody here's good enough for him.
Bella:
He's so special. I've only known him for 47 seconds and already he's much better than anybody else in this horrid town! I must abandon my life and give myself to him!
Bella approaches Edward, who practically drools over her for a few seconds then leaves, muttering 'brains.' Bella looks distraught.
Bella:
Ohh, he hates me! He looked so chagrinned and I must be a horrible person for somebody as beautiful as him to hate me after 3 seconds. My life is over! I hate it here! Ohhhh...
Bella cries in a horrendously over-the-top manner, falling to her knees in the process. Edward slumps back in again and she stand up.
Bella:
Oh Edward! Why do you hate me so? Is it because I'm not as beautiful as you? Do my breasticles not get you wibbling? You're so unusual, you're not like the other guys who are so normal and don't have flesh in their teeth. Tel me your secret!
Edward:
Brains...
Bella:
Oh why must you torment me like this! Don't you see that I'm horny!? Leave me!
Edward slumps off again, still muttering 'brains.' Bella walks around, looking very angry. Boy 2 is driving a car (cut out from cardboard, the faker the better) and heading towards Bella. She turns to face him and cries out loud.
Bella:
Oh no! I'm going to die!
She stays put, even though the car is going incredibly slowly. She continues to cry out for help, but staying on the spot. Edward shuffles over and stops the car with a push, leaving a hole in the side. He looks at Bella, blank faced and half shut eyes, before moving away.
Bella:
Oh, Eddie-kins! You saved my life! How did you do that? I must investigate!
Jacob enters. It would be preferred if he wore an obviously fake long black wig but it isn't necessary. He must smile a lot, in a vaguely sex offender style way.
Bella:
Why, who are you, oh soft, silky and managable haired stranger?
Jacob:
I'm a plot device! A racially friendly plot device! But you can call me Jacob.
Bella:
Oh Jacob. What can you tell me about the mysterious Cullens, with their graceful poise and marble chiselled arses?
Jacob:
There are legends, passed down by my ancestors, George Romero and Sam Raimi. They talk of souls. not dead, not alive. But that middle bit. I cannot say anymore. You must work it out for yourself, like the strong, confident woman you are Bella.
Bella:
Thank you, plot device. I fear we may never see each other again.
Jacob:
Do not worry. I'll have plenty more opportunities to physically acost you then get jiggy with your future spawn.
Bella:
Do you promise?
Jacob:
Of course I do! Keep an eye on your ovaries, girlfriend!
Jacob leaves. Edward enters agai, creeping behind Bella and looming over her.
Bella:
I know what you are...
Edward:
Brains...
Bella:
Your skin is purple and grey...and smells like cheesy chicken. You never eat in the canteen or go near chainsaws. You're super strong, even though that's technically not part of the canon. Sometimes you speak like you're from a different planet.
Edward:
Brains...
Bella:
Zombie...eh...eh. You're a zombie Edward. And you thirst for my juicy, angst filled brains. And I am unconditionally and irrevocably in love with you. Even though it's only been a few minutes. But it's twu wuv!
She goes in for the kiss, Edward looking ready to have a good meal but she pulls away.
Bella:
I do not care that you are dangerous and want to tear open my skull to feast upon the squishiness inside. We are meant to be together! How can I stay away from you when my pumping heart and estrogen are telling me to stay? We simply cannot be apart. I won't allow it! You're not a monster, you're a beautiful man!
Edward walks into the light and he glitters. This can be accomplished either by glitter body lotion or someone throwing sparkly things onto him, whatever one is funnier.
Bella:
And you sparkle! You dazzle me like a nursery school art project! No zombie ever sparkles! It doesn't make sense but I don't care! I love you my Edward!
They embrace Gone-With-The-Wind style. Edward goes in for the kill!
Bella:
Even your breath is beautiful, like fresh pork on a hot Summer day. Kiss me Eddie!
3 other zombies turn up - 2 guys and a girl. They reach over in a limp fashion to try and grab Bella but Edward pushes her away.
Zombies:
Brains.
Bella:
Egad! Nomad zombies! And they want to kill me? I didn't know we were in such desperate need of a plot! I know my life is at risk but I still can't leave you Edward! But these rogues have done something I can't quite explain and i must leave you to save someone. I think it's my mother, whom I seldom mention but she's such an idiot she's gone and gotten herself kidnapped by these fiends! Only I, super Mary Sue, can save her!
Edward and two of the zombies leave. The remaining one grabs Bella and bites her arm. She screams like a chihuahua and falls to the ground. Edward comes in with the other Cullens and Hales and they fight in a rather pathetic manner while Bella lies on the ground crying for attention. The rogue zombie falls down and exits.
Bella:
Oh Edward save me! I don't want to become a zombie yet, but I'll berate you for months afterwards about turning me into one. Suck the poison and dead skin from my body!
Edward does so, clearly enjoying the experience.
Bella:
Okay, little bit too much now.
Edward ignores her, still chewing on her like a gristly bit of ham.
Bella:
Seriously Edward, I'm fine now.
Edward keeps at it.
Bella:
For god's sake man, keep your tongue in your mouth! This is a 1st base relationship!
Edward eventually stops. The others exit, leaving Edward and Bella together.
Bella:
Oh Edward, with your glittering flesh wounds and skin so bruised you could pass for a prison shower scene, I love you so much. And this isn't just horny love, this is twu wuv! I love you because you're beautiful and stunning and gorgeous and handsome and alluring all those different words that mean the same thing. See, I'm so deep.
Edward:
Brains...
Bella:
I know you don't want to put me at risk, and you're so desperate to chew at my medulla, but we are meant to be together. We're better than all those stupid ugly humans, but I'm so ugly compared to you. Make me into a zombie, even though I screamed for you to stop it last time.
Edward happily goes in to bite her but she pushes him away again.
Bella:
Oh why must you torment me like this? You shouldn't worry so much about your eternal soul or your basic common sense, who needs those things when you're pretty? We should wait until marriage, making this allegory a whole lot less subtle! Just say no kids! And now we'll live together happily ever after! Until the desperate, cash cow sequals anyway.
The End.
To Be Continued in Part Two - Second Hand Moon.
Girl 2:
My sister is part of this newly formed comedy group at school and I promised her she could use a bunch of old stuff I'd written a few months ago (I posted one of the sketches here if I remember correctly). I was trying to get back into a writing groove tonight and bashed out this little sketch for her. Guess what it's a parody of. *grin*
Bella (very frozen face but over dramatic voice and actions):
I'm Isabella Swan, translation 'beautiful swan.' Oh woe is me! I'm stuck in this stupid little town that I despise even though it was my choice to come here. I hope everyone knows what a martyr I am, where's my big statue? My stupid dad is stupid and this whole town is stupid. I'm so plain and meek, I'll never make any friends. I'll always be a special outcast.
Two girls and two guys enter looking very eager.
Girl 1:
Oh hiiiii there! You must be the new girl!
We love you, you're so amazing! You're the best girl I've ever met!
Boy 1:
God, check out those cans! Will you go out with me?
Boy 2:
Love me!
As the group ridiculously fawns over Bella she takes in all the attention and poses in a very confident way, almost a bit slutty. Beyonce Knowles style dancing preferred. The group continues to love her, using words like "special", "gorgeous" and "hot piece of ass". They eventually leave, leaving Bella alone.
Bella:
Ugh! Why won't those ugly boring humans leave me alone? Nobody understands me. I've got thoughts. Deep, dark thoughts that really don't have an explanation and contain lots of phrases I raped from a thesaurus. I'm so alone! I hate it here!
Edward walks past. He is clearly dead, with grey skin and an Igor style walk. He has blood dripping from his slack jawed mouth and unusually gravity defying hair. He is followed by 2 boys and 2 girls, equally zombie-like.
Bella (gasping):
Oh, who is that incandescent, beautiful, scintillating, gorgeous, amazing, smoking pile of man?And his equally stunning flunkies?
Girl 1 steps back in.
Those are the Cullens and the Hales. They're so beautiful and mysterious and they never interact with others or sharp gardening objects. There's Alice, the token quirky one...she's dating Jasper. He's like a walking flag pole.
Alice steps forward, doing a little hair flip. Jasper follows, looking a little more anal.
Alice and Jasper:
Brains...
Girl 1:
Then there's Rosalie and Emmett. He's like a brick shithouse with no discernable personality and she's a blonde Barbie bitch. All blondes are Barbie bitches, not like deep, beautiful and perfect brunettes like you!
Rosalie and Emmett step forward.
Rosalie and Emmett:
Brains...
Girl 1:
And the final one, the most perfect man to ever walk the earth, is Edward!
Girl 1 makes a noise that could easily be confused with a climax.
Girl 1:
But he must be gay. 17 year old virgin, doesn't compute. Nobody here's good enough for him.
Bella:
He's so special. I've only known him for 47 seconds and already he's much better than anybody else in this horrid town! I must abandon my life and give myself to him!
Bella approaches Edward, who practically drools over her for a few seconds then leaves, muttering 'brains.' Bella looks distraught.
Bella:
Ohh, he hates me! He looked so chagrinned and I must be a horrible person for somebody as beautiful as him to hate me after 3 seconds. My life is over! I hate it here! Ohhhh...
Bella cries in a horrendously over-the-top manner, falling to her knees in the process. Edward slumps back in again and she stand up.
Bella:
Oh Edward! Why do you hate me so? Is it because I'm not as beautiful as you? Do my breasticles not get you wibbling? You're so unusual, you're not like the other guys who are so normal and don't have flesh in their teeth. Tel me your secret!
Edward:
Brains...
Bella:
Oh why must you torment me like this! Don't you see that I'm horny!? Leave me!
Edward slumps off again, still muttering 'brains.' Bella walks around, looking very angry. Boy 2 is driving a car (cut out from cardboard, the faker the better) and heading towards Bella. She turns to face him and cries out loud.
Bella:
Oh no! I'm going to die!
She stays put, even though the car is going incredibly slowly. She continues to cry out for help, but staying on the spot. Edward shuffles over and stops the car with a push, leaving a hole in the side. He looks at Bella, blank faced and half shut eyes, before moving away.
Bella:
Oh, Eddie-kins! You saved my life! How did you do that? I must investigate!
Jacob enters. It would be preferred if he wore an obviously fake long black wig but it isn't necessary. He must smile a lot, in a vaguely sex offender style way.
Bella:
Why, who are you, oh soft, silky and managable haired stranger?
Jacob:
I'm a plot device! A racially friendly plot device! But you can call me Jacob.
Bella:
Oh Jacob. What can you tell me about the mysterious Cullens, with their graceful poise and marble chiselled arses?
Jacob:
There are legends, passed down by my ancestors, George Romero and Sam Raimi. They talk of souls. not dead, not alive. But that middle bit. I cannot say anymore. You must work it out for yourself, like the strong, confident woman you are Bella.
Bella:
Thank you, plot device. I fear we may never see each other again.
Jacob:
Do not worry. I'll have plenty more opportunities to physically acost you then get jiggy with your future spawn.
Bella:
Do you promise?
Jacob:
Of course I do! Keep an eye on your ovaries, girlfriend!
Jacob leaves. Edward enters agai, creeping behind Bella and looming over her.
Bella:
I know what you are...
Edward:
Brains...
Bella:
Your skin is purple and grey...and smells like cheesy chicken. You never eat in the canteen or go near chainsaws. You're super strong, even though that's technically not part of the canon. Sometimes you speak like you're from a different planet.
Edward:
Brains...
Bella:
Zombie...eh...eh. You're a zombie Edward. And you thirst for my juicy, angst filled brains. And I am unconditionally and irrevocably in love with you. Even though it's only been a few minutes. But it's twu wuv!
She goes in for the kiss, Edward looking ready to have a good meal but she pulls away.
Bella:
I do not care that you are dangerous and want to tear open my skull to feast upon the squishiness inside. We are meant to be together! How can I stay away from you when my pumping heart and estrogen are telling me to stay? We simply cannot be apart. I won't allow it! You're not a monster, you're a beautiful man!
Edward walks into the light and he glitters. This can be accomplished either by glitter body lotion or someone throwing sparkly things onto him, whatever one is funnier.
Bella:
And you sparkle! You dazzle me like a nursery school art project! No zombie ever sparkles! It doesn't make sense but I don't care! I love you my Edward!
They embrace Gone-With-The-Wind style. Edward goes in for the kill!
Bella:
Even your breath is beautiful, like fresh pork on a hot Summer day. Kiss me Eddie!
3 other zombies turn up - 2 guys and a girl. They reach over in a limp fashion to try and grab Bella but Edward pushes her away.
Zombies:
Brains.
Bella:
Egad! Nomad zombies! And they want to kill me? I didn't know we were in such desperate need of a plot! I know my life is at risk but I still can't leave you Edward! But these rogues have done something I can't quite explain and i must leave you to save someone. I think it's my mother, whom I seldom mention but she's such an idiot she's gone and gotten herself kidnapped by these fiends! Only I, super Mary Sue, can save her!
Edward and two of the zombies leave. The remaining one grabs Bella and bites her arm. She screams like a chihuahua and falls to the ground. Edward comes in with the other Cullens and Hales and they fight in a rather pathetic manner while Bella lies on the ground crying for attention. The rogue zombie falls down and exits.
Bella:
Oh Edward save me! I don't want to become a zombie yet, but I'll berate you for months afterwards about turning me into one. Suck the poison and dead skin from my body!
Edward does so, clearly enjoying the experience.
Bella:
Okay, little bit too much now.
Edward ignores her, still chewing on her like a gristly bit of ham.
Bella:
Seriously Edward, I'm fine now.
Edward keeps at it.
Bella:
For god's sake man, keep your tongue in your mouth! This is a 1st base relationship!
Edward eventually stops. The others exit, leaving Edward and Bella together.
Bella:
Oh Edward, with your glittering flesh wounds and skin so bruised you could pass for a prison shower scene, I love you so much. And this isn't just horny love, this is twu wuv! I love you because you're beautiful and stunning and gorgeous and handsome and alluring all those different words that mean the same thing. See, I'm so deep.
Edward:
Brains...
Bella:
I know you don't want to put me at risk, and you're so desperate to chew at my medulla, but we are meant to be together. We're better than all those stupid ugly humans, but I'm so ugly compared to you. Make me into a zombie, even though I screamed for you to stop it last time.
Edward happily goes in to bite her but she pushes him away again.
Bella:
Oh why must you torment me like this? You shouldn't worry so much about your eternal soul or your basic common sense, who needs those things when you're pretty? We should wait until marriage, making this allegory a whole lot less subtle! Just say no kids! And now we'll live together happily ever after! Until the desperate, cash cow sequals anyway.
The End.
To Be Continued in Part Two - Second Hand Moon.
Girl 2: