Hard?
I'm sick of this.
People may say that I shouldn't be so hard on myself because losing weight is hard. Because I've done so "well" compared to the past.
Well, I'm not nearly as hard as I should be. I've been overweight since 3rd grade. I became aware of my weight problem probably most realistically and adult-like around 8th grade. I was 13 then.. I will be 20 this year. I'm hard on myself because I've been "trying" for nearly 7 years to lose weight. No, actually I havent. I haven't tried much at all. I haven't given it my full attention, commitment, and determination. I haven't.
Even now, I haven't. I allow myself to do whatever I want because well, I can. I give a cold shoulder to everything I dislike about being fat and I do whatever I want to keep myself this way. I'm not horrible no, I eat really god damn healthy most of the time, but do I work out as hard as I can - or at all? Hardly, no.
I've been lying to everyone on here and to myself. I am not as devoted and determined as I make myself out to be. I want to be determined absolutely, I want to be motivated and spirited and have great will power. But when I walk away from this journal and your posts and the websites, it is just a small very vague memory. A "Oh, maybe I should do that.. maybe."
Then I catch myself saying that maybe I can't do this. I think about those people who work out a lot and change their lives and I think, gee, maybe I can't do that, why can't I do that?. The funny thing is.. I've never even tried.
I never slept last night. I was so depressed over the fact that I'm an irresponsible, childish, idiot. It's not just weightloss -its everything in my life. Everything that I put off until it gets horrible. Its the fact that I was kicked out of my university twice and failed easy simple classes, just because I didn't feel like going.. just because I didn't feel like doing homework. Its the fact that I almost didn't follow my dreams because I didn't want to work hard for them. Its the fact that I've lived my life as someone I'm not just because I'm too lazy to shed this facade that covers my entire body. It's my escape from work, it's my escape from love and sex, my escape from being adventerous, my escape from "failure", my escape from everything.
No, I'm not being nearly hard enough. The fact that I am home all day and I still don't take advantage of my free time to do what is best for me.. is extremely pathetic. And I am not someone who is meant to be pathetic. I don't let other people control my life, I don't let hatred control my life, I don't let failure control my life, I am me, I am independent, I am strong - in my mind. I just need to take advantage of that. I'm sick of making excuses and not punishing myself. I'm sick of being unhappy.
I've already worked out twice today. Let it be truth, a new beginning, a sign. Let it be the real me, not the one who is scared of change, failure, and pain. No, I am not afraid. I am not weak.
People may say that I shouldn't be so hard on myself because losing weight is hard. Because I've done so "well" compared to the past.
Well, I'm not nearly as hard as I should be. I've been overweight since 3rd grade. I became aware of my weight problem probably most realistically and adult-like around 8th grade. I was 13 then.. I will be 20 this year. I'm hard on myself because I've been "trying" for nearly 7 years to lose weight. No, actually I havent. I haven't tried much at all. I haven't given it my full attention, commitment, and determination. I haven't.
Even now, I haven't. I allow myself to do whatever I want because well, I can. I give a cold shoulder to everything I dislike about being fat and I do whatever I want to keep myself this way. I'm not horrible no, I eat really god damn healthy most of the time, but do I work out as hard as I can - or at all? Hardly, no.
I've been lying to everyone on here and to myself. I am not as devoted and determined as I make myself out to be. I want to be determined absolutely, I want to be motivated and spirited and have great will power. But when I walk away from this journal and your posts and the websites, it is just a small very vague memory. A "Oh, maybe I should do that.. maybe."
Then I catch myself saying that maybe I can't do this. I think about those people who work out a lot and change their lives and I think, gee, maybe I can't do that, why can't I do that?. The funny thing is.. I've never even tried.
I never slept last night. I was so depressed over the fact that I'm an irresponsible, childish, idiot. It's not just weightloss -its everything in my life. Everything that I put off until it gets horrible. Its the fact that I was kicked out of my university twice and failed easy simple classes, just because I didn't feel like going.. just because I didn't feel like doing homework. Its the fact that I almost didn't follow my dreams because I didn't want to work hard for them. Its the fact that I've lived my life as someone I'm not just because I'm too lazy to shed this facade that covers my entire body. It's my escape from work, it's my escape from love and sex, my escape from being adventerous, my escape from "failure", my escape from everything.
No, I'm not being nearly hard enough. The fact that I am home all day and I still don't take advantage of my free time to do what is best for me.. is extremely pathetic. And I am not someone who is meant to be pathetic. I don't let other people control my life, I don't let hatred control my life, I don't let failure control my life, I am me, I am independent, I am strong - in my mind. I just need to take advantage of that. I'm sick of making excuses and not punishing myself. I'm sick of being unhappy.
I've already worked out twice today. Let it be truth, a new beginning, a sign. Let it be the real me, not the one who is scared of change, failure, and pain. No, I am not afraid. I am not weak.