Soon the end...
Well, soon it will be the end of my relationship with my current boyfriend. I have completely realized tonight that our flame is almost gone or at least for me. I don't even think he has a clue. I don't know how to tell him it's over. We've been together for awhile now, well 2 year next month. I don't want to wait that long to tell him. If I wait to long then it will hurt him even more. I have never been good at this even though I am usually the one that does the breaking up. Maybe I'm scared, maybe I just want something totally different. I'm not sure yet. But all I know is I can't be with Jacob to much longer but I just don't know what to do. Or even what to say. The thing is Jacob is one of the only boyfriends that my whole family likes or even loves. Everyone is expecting us to get married, which I would love to get married, but not yet. Not til I'm good and ready. I thought I was ready at one time or another but I'm not anywhere near it. His family is so ready to help me with school, but I can't let them do it, because if they do then I have to stay with Jacob even longer. I already feel like I have to because we have cell phones together but I'm paying for mine right now. I really don't think he has any clue that I'm not happy with him anymore. But my nerves are running wild right now. I wish there was something I could do about it, but theres not. Just to let him go. No matter what I'm going to feel shitty about letting him go. Just to set the record straight it's not so I can be with someone else, it's just for me. If I'm not happy now, how am I going to be years from now when we have kids together. I'm one of those people that doesn't like divorce. Some times it's just necessary but in other instances it's not. If you can stop it then why not. I'm sick of doing things for others, why can't I do anything for me. I'm going to school for my parents. I don't have the damn money so how am I going to do this. I don't like to have to pay people back ever. I'm not ready to go back to school. I'm thinking about canceling my classes and starting school in the spring so I can make more money and save it for school. No matter what I do I'm going to be in school for a long time, 7 years probably or more. I wish life wasn't this complicated, but seeing as how it is then I guess I just have to deal with it. Well, I guess maybe I should stop bitching and just go for now.
Crystal
Crystal