March 21st, 2012
All Too Well
I think putting the ‘In A Relationship’ status on Facebook flagged something in Corey to text me last night. At least, I hope so. I found a nice boy who gives me space and keeps me sane and likes me for the person that I am, and I’m not happy. I thought I was, then Corey had to text me last night. Why? Of course I didn’t ask him that, because I was just happy that he did. He told me he is going to be in Rhode Island in April most weekends and that he wants to see me, if I wanted to see him. I want to see him. I will forever tell him I want to see him. In the back of my mind I hope that he saw that I was in a relationship and came to a mind blowing realization that he wants to be with me, and the thought of me with someone else absolutely kills him, because anytime I see a picture of him with another girl, it absolutely kills me. It shouldn’t, but it does. He’s the only boy I could stand to be around for more than an hour. Someone who always kept me laughing, and kept the conversation going.
However, it makes no sense. We have never been in a relationship. After one great summer four years ago, he told me he didn’t want a girlfriend. I spent the two weeks before I went back to school crying every single tear I had. I felt embarrassed. I liked him so much, everything he said indicated he felt the same, then he just started to blow me off like I meant nothing. I realize we were only “dating” for about three months, but the way I felt about him was different than anything I had felt for anyone before. I still haven’t felt that way about anyone else since then.
After he crushed my heart into a million little pieces, we didn’t talk. Not until the next October when he invited me to his parent’s house for a Halloween party. Once I got there, it felt like no time had passed, like he never told me he didn’t want to be with me. I was all over him, and he was all over me. He told me later that night that he wished he had never said any of that, and he had broken up with a girl he met up there and was with her for no real reason, I guess just because he thought it was right at the time, and realized it was all wrong. He wanted to hang out with me again. Yes, I was all for it. So I went up to Boston a few times, stayed at his apartment. I stayed the entire night and most of the day, and I still never got sick of him and wanted my alone time. And when his roommate at the time told me that he had been excited I was coming that whole week, I felt that maybe this time it would work. I don’t know what happened after those few times, but I didn’t see him again for a while.
I saw him a couple of times since then. I went to his house a few times when he was down visiting his family. He also came over to my place once while he was down here. After every single time, I always thought to myself that this time was different, we would be together. One of the big reasons I broke up with my last boyfriend was because he was on my mind, and after we broke up, I texted him that I missed him. He didn’t respond.
And then last night, he texts me wanting to see me. Why? Does he just want to hang out? Have a friend conversation? Pretend that I don’t feel anything for him? A part of me thinks that that’s all it’s going to be. That he knows I have a boyfriend, and won’t say anything about his feelings (if he has any-please God I hope he does.) What does that say about me? I have a boyfriend but will drop everything to be with someone else. I so will. Without even thinking twice about it. If he told me he wants to be with me, wants to give it a real shot, I would.
What do I even say? Should I wait for him to say something about me and him, or should I just blurt it out. Should I tell him that I want to be with him? I don’t even care if I sound desperate at this point. I want to have a real conversation about it and lay my cards out on the table.
My worse fear is that he thinks I’m completely nuts and that he feels nothing for me. I fear that worse than anything.