(no subject)
It's March 19th, 2005, and this is where I am.
Family: I have been taking a break from being at home for a while. I didn't even go home for more than a couple hours during Spring Break. There's only so much I can take from them. Don't get me wrong, I love my family to death. They are my everything in this world, and even if I lost every single friend and loved one I had today I would still have them and that would be enough. At least I have them. It's just that, I can only hear my dad asking about my weight so many times, I can only hear my mom giving me guilt trips about not being home and how she feels unconncected to me now that I am in school, and I can only hear my brother whine and whine about things he actually has control over so much before I honestly want to just never go back there again for a long long time. My dad hounds me about my weight, that I shouldn't eat so much of this, asking how much I have lost or if I have gained any weight...I have lost weight. I may not be skinny, I may be a size 12 and have a small lil' belly (some say it doesn't exist...it does, trust me) and a round face, but damnit...I am beautiful. I may not be model material, but I have a beauty that is my own, and I own it. Both my parents say that if I could get down to a size 10 and lose like 20 lbs that I would be stunning. Sometimes they forget to tell me that I am stunning right now. Whatever. I am not going to go home. I don't need any more guilt trips about enver being home. I am a 23 year old college student that wants to be finished and on her own. I want to be independent and not have to mooch off my mom and dad for years after I should've been on my own. I don't want to listen to someone whining about things that they have the ability to control but are too lazy to get off their ass and do it. I don't want to listen to someone who is ignorant and close minded and refuses to take advantage of all that life has to offer and stay standing in the same place they've been standing in for the last 4 years. I love you all to death, but I cannot be there. When I am at home I sometimes feel stuck, lazy, and tired. I'm sorry, but I just cannot be at home. I need to be able to breathe.
School: I am behind on my work. I should probably be doing my work right now, but instead I choose to do livejournal because I havent posted for a long time. I will go do my paper right after this. Yay for that. I am just so behind. Sometimes I lose inspiration to be in class and do my work because the other people in my classes just don't want to be there, don't talk, don't want to grow as people and students at a college that can giving them an amazing education if they would just fucking open their mouths. They don't want to learn!!! They are fine with being where they are in life right in this moment which is completely uneducated and single minded in many cases. Open up your eyes, take advantage of what is in front of you. Do you know what kind of education you could really get if you would just open your fucking mouths? Talk, learn, make mistakes, say stupid things, get verbally beaten by someone who thinks they are better than you, get angry at those who aren't trying as hard as you are to get through this all. Damnit, just LEARN.I should go catch up on the work that I am behind in, shouldn't I? Yeah, I should...this is me doing my homework...
Friends: When I first think of that word, I feel loss. I have lost so many friends lately. It has a lot to do with none of us having time for each other because we're either separated by different states, in school, in the city/suburbs, or because of stupid drama. John, Brett, Mike L. and Mike W., Jorge, Eric, Fernando...all gone. Some because they were assholes, others because it was just our time to go our separate ways. Thankfully though, I still have the greatest of friends surrounding me. I have lost contact with a few people, but with those that I am most close to I keep in contact all the time. I may not see ya'll enough, but at least we're still talking!!! I have begun to realize that I am one lucky gal. I have incredible friends. You guys are truly amazing. I don't know how you put up with me sometimes. You have deal with me through the drama, the tears, the laughter, the self-destruction, the stress, anger, hate, and all-consuming love. I honestly don't know how you do it.You all bring something to my life that I honestly cannot explain in any other way than this: You help me get out of bed smiling and ready for a new day every morning because I know that because of you all...it will be an amazing day.
Love: I tried. For those who I talk to, you know that I tried so damn hard to stay away and find some excuse to not continue dating Dave. I tried to say that it was because I didn't have time, or because I had too much drama going on in my life and couldn't handle more, or because of this or that. I tried to use insecurity as a way to distance myself (even though I was honestly never insecure about Dave, it was always something else), I tried to use everything I possibly could to keep my distance, but in the end I honestly couldn't do it. He's one of those people in my life that just stay, they get under my skin, and all of this is when I'm trying so hard to not feel every ounce of my body screaming to be in his arms every moment of the day. I need him. I don't need him to make me better, I don't need him in order to be happy, I don't need him in order to find my self-worth...I just simply need him. When I am with him, everything is ok and everything makes sense. He gives me a break from everything in my life that brings me down by just talking to me on the phone. I love it how during scary parts in a movie, he drops everything to come wrap his arms around me, kiss my forehead, and tell me everything is going to be ok because he is there. I love it how he makes me food to bring back to my dorm (because he knows the food at school can be horrific sometimes)or how he always offers to give me some food to bring to my dad or my family (even though he has never met them). I love it how he found it sweet and was flattered that I gave my parents his phone number to call in case of emergencies. I love it how he knows my quirks, thinks they are funny, and that I never have to explain any of my weird phrases or behaviors because he understands them all so well. I love it how the lullabies he recites to me as I fall asleep are really cheesy and sometimes stupid jokes, and I love it how whenever I hear that damn Ryan Cabrera song I get all giddy inside and a huge smile spreads across my face. I love that I am myself around him. I love how I can be every bit of myself when we're together, and that it feels so familiar. It's something incredible...
It's March 19, 2005, and all I have to say is: Game, set, match. I win.
Family: I have been taking a break from being at home for a while. I didn't even go home for more than a couple hours during Spring Break. There's only so much I can take from them. Don't get me wrong, I love my family to death. They are my everything in this world, and even if I lost every single friend and loved one I had today I would still have them and that would be enough. At least I have them. It's just that, I can only hear my dad asking about my weight so many times, I can only hear my mom giving me guilt trips about not being home and how she feels unconncected to me now that I am in school, and I can only hear my brother whine and whine about things he actually has control over so much before I honestly want to just never go back there again for a long long time. My dad hounds me about my weight, that I shouldn't eat so much of this, asking how much I have lost or if I have gained any weight...I have lost weight. I may not be skinny, I may be a size 12 and have a small lil' belly (some say it doesn't exist...it does, trust me) and a round face, but damnit...I am beautiful. I may not be model material, but I have a beauty that is my own, and I own it. Both my parents say that if I could get down to a size 10 and lose like 20 lbs that I would be stunning. Sometimes they forget to tell me that I am stunning right now. Whatever. I am not going to go home. I don't need any more guilt trips about enver being home. I am a 23 year old college student that wants to be finished and on her own. I want to be independent and not have to mooch off my mom and dad for years after I should've been on my own. I don't want to listen to someone whining about things that they have the ability to control but are too lazy to get off their ass and do it. I don't want to listen to someone who is ignorant and close minded and refuses to take advantage of all that life has to offer and stay standing in the same place they've been standing in for the last 4 years. I love you all to death, but I cannot be there. When I am at home I sometimes feel stuck, lazy, and tired. I'm sorry, but I just cannot be at home. I need to be able to breathe.
School: I am behind on my work. I should probably be doing my work right now, but instead I choose to do livejournal because I havent posted for a long time. I will go do my paper right after this. Yay for that. I am just so behind. Sometimes I lose inspiration to be in class and do my work because the other people in my classes just don't want to be there, don't talk, don't want to grow as people and students at a college that can giving them an amazing education if they would just fucking open their mouths. They don't want to learn!!! They are fine with being where they are in life right in this moment which is completely uneducated and single minded in many cases. Open up your eyes, take advantage of what is in front of you. Do you know what kind of education you could really get if you would just open your fucking mouths? Talk, learn, make mistakes, say stupid things, get verbally beaten by someone who thinks they are better than you, get angry at those who aren't trying as hard as you are to get through this all. Damnit, just LEARN.I should go catch up on the work that I am behind in, shouldn't I? Yeah, I should...this is me doing my homework...
Friends: When I first think of that word, I feel loss. I have lost so many friends lately. It has a lot to do with none of us having time for each other because we're either separated by different states, in school, in the city/suburbs, or because of stupid drama. John, Brett, Mike L. and Mike W., Jorge, Eric, Fernando...all gone. Some because they were assholes, others because it was just our time to go our separate ways. Thankfully though, I still have the greatest of friends surrounding me. I have lost contact with a few people, but with those that I am most close to I keep in contact all the time. I may not see ya'll enough, but at least we're still talking!!! I have begun to realize that I am one lucky gal. I have incredible friends. You guys are truly amazing. I don't know how you put up with me sometimes. You have deal with me through the drama, the tears, the laughter, the self-destruction, the stress, anger, hate, and all-consuming love. I honestly don't know how you do it.You all bring something to my life that I honestly cannot explain in any other way than this: You help me get out of bed smiling and ready for a new day every morning because I know that because of you all...it will be an amazing day.
Love: I tried. For those who I talk to, you know that I tried so damn hard to stay away and find some excuse to not continue dating Dave. I tried to say that it was because I didn't have time, or because I had too much drama going on in my life and couldn't handle more, or because of this or that. I tried to use insecurity as a way to distance myself (even though I was honestly never insecure about Dave, it was always something else), I tried to use everything I possibly could to keep my distance, but in the end I honestly couldn't do it. He's one of those people in my life that just stay, they get under my skin, and all of this is when I'm trying so hard to not feel every ounce of my body screaming to be in his arms every moment of the day. I need him. I don't need him to make me better, I don't need him in order to be happy, I don't need him in order to find my self-worth...I just simply need him. When I am with him, everything is ok and everything makes sense. He gives me a break from everything in my life that brings me down by just talking to me on the phone. I love it how during scary parts in a movie, he drops everything to come wrap his arms around me, kiss my forehead, and tell me everything is going to be ok because he is there. I love it how he makes me food to bring back to my dorm (because he knows the food at school can be horrific sometimes)or how he always offers to give me some food to bring to my dad or my family (even though he has never met them). I love it how he found it sweet and was flattered that I gave my parents his phone number to call in case of emergencies. I love it how he knows my quirks, thinks they are funny, and that I never have to explain any of my weird phrases or behaviors because he understands them all so well. I love it how the lullabies he recites to me as I fall asleep are really cheesy and sometimes stupid jokes, and I love it how whenever I hear that damn Ryan Cabrera song I get all giddy inside and a huge smile spreads across my face. I love that I am myself around him. I love how I can be every bit of myself when we're together, and that it feels so familiar. It's something incredible...
It's March 19, 2005, and all I have to say is: Game, set, match. I win.