*Cries*
Lmao. Why does stuff have to be sooo complicated?
Things seemed simple and lovely and fine on Sunday, and now, two days later, i feel dread and sick and like i'm going to lose someone to someone else again.
Painfully honest - the new me. Emphasis on painfully. Hehee.
Hence the public entry. I thought fuck it, people seem to want to know everything about Mark & I anyway, and i am past caring about hiding anything on my part so i will make my feelings perfectly clear to whoever cares to fucking ask/check up or generally wonder.
On Saturday night/Sunday morning I did a crazy/brave thing and told Mark EXACTLY how i feel about him, how much i care about him, the full works. I hid NOTHING. And all i asked was to know how he felt. Cos we've got very close lately and he's stayed over tons (though only one time summat happened) and we've gotten so much closer as friends as well. It's been awesome.
But obviously i wasn't gonna ask anything of him cos he's just out a relationship, and that's gonna take time of course, but things were getting vague between us in terms of are we friends or more. I knew on my part of course there was more, and pretty much thought there was on his too but had to make sure.
Especially before he went away (today) for two weeks to visit Nessie.
So course he calls up the other night in response to my mail (i couldn't wait to call him and stuff kept pouring out my mind so i thought fuck it i'll mail him as he's at work) and says what i've been thinking about it obv being too soon but yeah there's something.
And he was very honest and said course he'd love to be with me but had to make sure he knew his mind first, and didn't want to jump into anything and hurt me like happened last time.
So i thought well that's what i expected, and it was a good response.
In my paranoid mind i suddenly thought what if it's in my head and he thinks were just pals, but i told him this too.
But it's the timing, it couldn't happen now if it happened at all. That'd be silly and asking for trouble like. Which i agreed with and it's the reason why i've went this long WITHOUT clarifying anything, cos it would be too soon for me too. But i HAD to know and make MY feelings known before he went to Nessie's.
I emailed Nessie last night asking how she felt about him. And she emailed back this morning saying in all honesty she didn't know.
So i mailed her back telling her in no uncertain terms how much i feel for him and always have done, and she mailed back saying she did know what she wanted but didn't know if she'd achieve it without getting the feelings and reactions her paranoia feared the most.
But i'm guessing she means ok she does want Mark, but doesn't want rejection. Which she fears from him.
Or could also mean she does just want to be friends, but without the awkwardness.
Though i doubt it's the latter.
Still, i've made my feelings known about him TO him, he's made his clear to me about me and to some extent about Nessie too.
He says she told him she wanted to talk to him when he was there about something. And he said to me last night he just wanted to get it over with and enjoy the rest of his holiday.
Still dunno if he's still confused about her then or not. Who knows. All i know is i've got two weeks to try to make sense of this and try not to go insane.
Which... i'm somewhat in danger of doing. Marie came up today and i was SO thankful apart from seeing her and stuff which is obv cool, but so thankful to try to not think he's away over there just now. I mean i don't want that to sound jealous (obviously there's a little bit of a feeling there) but it's mostly confusion and annoyance at myself that i feel this way and annoyance that fate or whatever shite makes this the situation i've found myself in with the guy i care about most just about ever.
FOR FUCK SNAKE. LOL. Meh... joke.
I'm offski to have a niiiiiice bath. And not go mental. AHAHAHAHA. Ho hum and it's only Tuesday.
So yeah i'm going now... just thought i'd blab all that out!
Things seemed simple and lovely and fine on Sunday, and now, two days later, i feel dread and sick and like i'm going to lose someone to someone else again.
Painfully honest - the new me. Emphasis on painfully. Hehee.
Hence the public entry. I thought fuck it, people seem to want to know everything about Mark & I anyway, and i am past caring about hiding anything on my part so i will make my feelings perfectly clear to whoever cares to fucking ask/check up or generally wonder.
On Saturday night/Sunday morning I did a crazy/brave thing and told Mark EXACTLY how i feel about him, how much i care about him, the full works. I hid NOTHING. And all i asked was to know how he felt. Cos we've got very close lately and he's stayed over tons (though only one time summat happened) and we've gotten so much closer as friends as well. It's been awesome.
But obviously i wasn't gonna ask anything of him cos he's just out a relationship, and that's gonna take time of course, but things were getting vague between us in terms of are we friends or more. I knew on my part of course there was more, and pretty much thought there was on his too but had to make sure.
Especially before he went away (today) for two weeks to visit Nessie.
So course he calls up the other night in response to my mail (i couldn't wait to call him and stuff kept pouring out my mind so i thought fuck it i'll mail him as he's at work) and says what i've been thinking about it obv being too soon but yeah there's something.
And he was very honest and said course he'd love to be with me but had to make sure he knew his mind first, and didn't want to jump into anything and hurt me like happened last time.
So i thought well that's what i expected, and it was a good response.
In my paranoid mind i suddenly thought what if it's in my head and he thinks were just pals, but i told him this too.
But it's the timing, it couldn't happen now if it happened at all. That'd be silly and asking for trouble like. Which i agreed with and it's the reason why i've went this long WITHOUT clarifying anything, cos it would be too soon for me too. But i HAD to know and make MY feelings known before he went to Nessie's.
I emailed Nessie last night asking how she felt about him. And she emailed back this morning saying in all honesty she didn't know.
So i mailed her back telling her in no uncertain terms how much i feel for him and always have done, and she mailed back saying she did know what she wanted but didn't know if she'd achieve it without getting the feelings and reactions her paranoia feared the most.
But i'm guessing she means ok she does want Mark, but doesn't want rejection. Which she fears from him.
Or could also mean she does just want to be friends, but without the awkwardness.
Though i doubt it's the latter.
Still, i've made my feelings known about him TO him, he's made his clear to me about me and to some extent about Nessie too.
He says she told him she wanted to talk to him when he was there about something. And he said to me last night he just wanted to get it over with and enjoy the rest of his holiday.
Still dunno if he's still confused about her then or not. Who knows. All i know is i've got two weeks to try to make sense of this and try not to go insane.
Which... i'm somewhat in danger of doing. Marie came up today and i was SO thankful apart from seeing her and stuff which is obv cool, but so thankful to try to not think he's away over there just now. I mean i don't want that to sound jealous (obviously there's a little bit of a feeling there) but it's mostly confusion and annoyance at myself that i feel this way and annoyance that fate or whatever shite makes this the situation i've found myself in with the guy i care about most just about ever.
FOR FUCK SNAKE. LOL. Meh... joke.
I'm offski to have a niiiiiice bath. And not go mental. AHAHAHAHA. Ho hum and it's only Tuesday.
So yeah i'm going now... just thought i'd blab all that out!