why don't you just get a job?
i would like more money. but i am loathe to sacrifice the things i am doing now in order to get some bilingual admin - or worse, customer service - job. maybe i should. maybe after a couple years of that, i could get sthg bilingual in my fucking feild. or not. i could just shrivel up and have money but no time or energy for art... i know id be miserable within months. i die inside. i wish it wasnt so, but it is.
the vision of my real self cowering in a corner while i hid in the store-room trying very hard not to kill her so i could survive and keep smiling at the masses... i remember so vividly realizing that one of those two people had to go, and i cant tell you how grateful i remain that someone else killed the retail girl for me. this is not a metaphor. it was very real.
so if youre wondering why i think im so special, why i think i deserve things others dont dream of, like liking my job, earning above minimum wage, having time to make that contemporary art stuff that nobody gets anyway... well, i dont think i deserve it. i know it is a priviledge to ever think that i could have it at all, and to have survived this long jobless and taken care of by family, friends, lovers... i dont deserve anything at all. but here i am, and its what i want.
im 27 yrs old. im white. both my parents have higher degrees. sure i had a single mom and i remember being pretty poor, but i got supported and pushed, and ive gotten a fabulous fucking education and somehow got out of it without oweing the government money. and i did that by testing well and being good at giving teachers what they wanted when it counted, and working in restaurants and vegetable stands and tutoring and selling my naked stillness.... and now im 27 and have an education in a useless feild, where no one is hiring cause theres no money in it unless you want to sell people shit they dont need, and i have little to no experience in that field because i was working to pay my rent. and now... now im not paying my own rent, because for some reason, my friends and family and lovers put up with this shit. they seem to think i can make it work. sometimes i am credulous enough to believe them, and to believe that i could ever return the gifts they give me.
so right now my options appear to be:
the vision of my real self cowering in a corner while i hid in the store-room trying very hard not to kill her so i could survive and keep smiling at the masses... i remember so vividly realizing that one of those two people had to go, and i cant tell you how grateful i remain that someone else killed the retail girl for me. this is not a metaphor. it was very real.
so if youre wondering why i think im so special, why i think i deserve things others dont dream of, like liking my job, earning above minimum wage, having time to make that contemporary art stuff that nobody gets anyway... well, i dont think i deserve it. i know it is a priviledge to ever think that i could have it at all, and to have survived this long jobless and taken care of by family, friends, lovers... i dont deserve anything at all. but here i am, and its what i want.
im 27 yrs old. im white. both my parents have higher degrees. sure i had a single mom and i remember being pretty poor, but i got supported and pushed, and ive gotten a fabulous fucking education and somehow got out of it without oweing the government money. and i did that by testing well and being good at giving teachers what they wanted when it counted, and working in restaurants and vegetable stands and tutoring and selling my naked stillness.... and now im 27 and have an education in a useless feild, where no one is hiring cause theres no money in it unless you want to sell people shit they dont need, and i have little to no experience in that field because i was working to pay my rent. and now... now im not paying my own rent, because for some reason, my friends and family and lovers put up with this shit. they seem to think i can make it work. sometimes i am credulous enough to believe them, and to believe that i could ever return the gifts they give me.
so right now my options appear to be:
- admin temp work - money, admin experience, but no more volunteering or teaching stuff, and probly no energy for art
- get a morning PT job in some restaurant or cafe-type place - pay soso, but better than nothing, and i know it wont suck my soul too bad, and id still have time for other things like teaching and art.
- keep looking and applying for arts jobs - i seem to get interviews, but not hired, even for stuff i am pretty darn qualified for, so this could take a long time, and in the meantime, im making very little.
- magical fairy gives me a studio and materials and money to live on on the condition that i spend all my time making art and sharing it with people - a great, but unlikely option, anyway, i sort of squandered it the last time, so...