Not enough hours in the day? Then don't sleep!
Today is Wednesday, June 13th, 2012. Otherwise known as "My mother's 48th Birthday". It is 12:53 in the morning. I cannot sleep.
I am angry. I am soo angry. I wish I could be angry on the 14th, but I can't shake it, I can't even sleep.
Mom said since I didn't have work and Ethan was in school it should be a mother daughter day since we hadn't had one in a while. She said that before Don left for Canada, which was over 2 weeks ago. So, Last week I was trying to flesh out our plans for today. She said "See 'Rock of Ages' but it's not out until Friday. So she said breakfast first and I said I would treat her. She ALWAYS goes to the Original Pancake House on Don's 9+1 Mondays with Jacquee so I said maybe breakfast somewhere else, maybe the Sweet Maple Cafe. She said sure. She said we could still see 'Rock of Ages' on Friday when it comes out, that that could be out mother daughter day instead.
Don had a 9+1 day this past Monday, and they went to the Sweet Maple Cafe. Yesterday when I was reconfirming our plans for today she told me. I said fine we can go somewhere else but I was obviously upset. I think ANYONE reading this and ANYONE who has ever even met me knows I say what is on my mind. If I say "Fine, we can go somewhere else" then I mean it and I am resolved to do it. She felt that I was implying they went there on purpose. I wasn't. I was upset because I have never been and she KNEW I was planning on taking her TWO DAYS later and went anyway. I don't like it when I have a plan and someone shits on it, intentionally or otherwise. I started suggesting other places but she was intent on discussing why I was upset. I said "I've never been. You knew I was going to take you there and you went anyway so we can go somewhere else." She said "Well have YOU ever been?"
DO YOU FUCKING LISTEN TO ME?!?!?!?!
She said "It's not like I said 'Hey let's go to Sweet Maple Cafe so Ashley can't take me. I asked Jacquee where she wanted to go and she said there so we went." I said "Fine, we can go somewhere else. I started suggesting places, I was careful NOT to mention the Original Pancake House, I really hate that place. She said no to them all. In the end she said we are going to the Sweet Maple Cafe, so that is where we are going. I know we are going there because she thinks it will make me happy, which only makes me mad.
It is HER Birthday. We should go where SHE wants even if it is that horrible Original Pancake House. She doesn't want to wait in line and she doesn't want to wake up early and she'll have to do one or the other if we go to the Sweet Maple Cafe.
It made me think of the places *I* want to go for breakfast. The places she said she would give me gift cards to for Mother's day. The gift cards she forgot.
That made me think of course of MY horrible Birthday. And this time we were late picking Ethan up because she didn't like my plan and changed what she was going to do without letting me know. And this other time she forgot me, or this OTHER time she ignored me, OR THIS OTHER TIME SHE DIDN'T LISTEN TO ME.
I know you can't love all your children the same. Different people require different things and you can't help who you like. Just because you don't like your child doesn't mean you don't love them and just because you like one of your children more or least doesn't mean you don't love them. I know this. I know she liked Brittany more. Then Chelsey. I just drew the short straw, which is okay, I am rarely fond of her either. But when you tell me you are going to do something, I believe you. When you fail, intentionally or otherwise, I feel like a fool. First time shame on you, one-millionth time shame on me and all that.
My birthday was so deeply painful, SO PAINFUL because while I knew I was the short straw with my sisters I didn't know I was lower even than her friends. More than 6 months later that still hurts deeply. It hurts so much worse because there is just more and more after that. You'd think after she hurt me that badly she would tread softer but no. Ignore me. Say you'll do things and don't. Same shit, different day. Who fucking cares? And usually I am fine, as long as it doesn't effect Ethan. Then one time it did.
I know I hold my mother to a much higher standard than my father. I can't bear not to. I have always comforted myself with the idea that the reason my mother does that stuff to me is because she knows I can take it. She doesn't pull that shit with my sisters. Chelsey would crumple like a paper bag, Brittany would leave (except that she is already gone). My father is a moron, a louse, and an asshole. As such, I have come to learn, there is nothing he is good for except... no, he's worthless. My mom may ignore me sometimes, forget me other times, lie to me in some instances, or make foolish choices often but she's not always a bitch about it. My father is always an asshole. I didn't know until I lived out there but I do now.
My father, whom I generally refer to as Anthony Edward Lewis, not "dad" or "father", is on my shit list. There are many reason he is there. The primary reason is because he stole money from me that was meant for Ethan. I borrowed money from Ethan that I needed my security deposits to repay and he stole it. I was already angry for all the shit he did to me. Usually I am fine, as long as it doesn't effect Ethan. Then it did. Now he is non-existent as far as I am concerned. Ethan has one grand father, Grandpa Don.
I feel a bit less angry now. I know tomorrow I will get up and do my routine to get Ethan to school on time. I know my mother won't get up and I won't wait for her. She'll drag her feet because she doesn't want to go to the Sweet Maple Cafe and I won't wait. I'll go get Chelsey and Drew and the day will go however. I was a fool to try to make any plans for HER birthday. Do what I always do. Keep Ethan's routine the same.
It only took an hour and 10 minutes of writing (and angry music) to go from ready to explode so calm that even thinking of my birthday doesn't make me want to punch a hole in a wall.
I am angry. I am soo angry. I wish I could be angry on the 14th, but I can't shake it, I can't even sleep.
Mom said since I didn't have work and Ethan was in school it should be a mother daughter day since we hadn't had one in a while. She said that before Don left for Canada, which was over 2 weeks ago. So, Last week I was trying to flesh out our plans for today. She said "See 'Rock of Ages' but it's not out until Friday. So she said breakfast first and I said I would treat her. She ALWAYS goes to the Original Pancake House on Don's 9+1 Mondays with Jacquee so I said maybe breakfast somewhere else, maybe the Sweet Maple Cafe. She said sure. She said we could still see 'Rock of Ages' on Friday when it comes out, that that could be out mother daughter day instead.
Don had a 9+1 day this past Monday, and they went to the Sweet Maple Cafe. Yesterday when I was reconfirming our plans for today she told me. I said fine we can go somewhere else but I was obviously upset. I think ANYONE reading this and ANYONE who has ever even met me knows I say what is on my mind. If I say "Fine, we can go somewhere else" then I mean it and I am resolved to do it. She felt that I was implying they went there on purpose. I wasn't. I was upset because I have never been and she KNEW I was planning on taking her TWO DAYS later and went anyway. I don't like it when I have a plan and someone shits on it, intentionally or otherwise. I started suggesting other places but she was intent on discussing why I was upset. I said "I've never been. You knew I was going to take you there and you went anyway so we can go somewhere else." She said "Well have YOU ever been?"
DO YOU FUCKING LISTEN TO ME?!?!?!?!
She said "It's not like I said 'Hey let's go to Sweet Maple Cafe so Ashley can't take me. I asked Jacquee where she wanted to go and she said there so we went." I said "Fine, we can go somewhere else. I started suggesting places, I was careful NOT to mention the Original Pancake House, I really hate that place. She said no to them all. In the end she said we are going to the Sweet Maple Cafe, so that is where we are going. I know we are going there because she thinks it will make me happy, which only makes me mad.
It is HER Birthday. We should go where SHE wants even if it is that horrible Original Pancake House. She doesn't want to wait in line and she doesn't want to wake up early and she'll have to do one or the other if we go to the Sweet Maple Cafe.
It made me think of the places *I* want to go for breakfast. The places she said she would give me gift cards to for Mother's day. The gift cards she forgot.
That made me think of course of MY horrible Birthday. And this time we were late picking Ethan up because she didn't like my plan and changed what she was going to do without letting me know. And this other time she forgot me, or this OTHER time she ignored me, OR THIS OTHER TIME SHE DIDN'T LISTEN TO ME.
I know you can't love all your children the same. Different people require different things and you can't help who you like. Just because you don't like your child doesn't mean you don't love them and just because you like one of your children more or least doesn't mean you don't love them. I know this. I know she liked Brittany more. Then Chelsey. I just drew the short straw, which is okay, I am rarely fond of her either. But when you tell me you are going to do something, I believe you. When you fail, intentionally or otherwise, I feel like a fool. First time shame on you, one-millionth time shame on me and all that.
My birthday was so deeply painful, SO PAINFUL because while I knew I was the short straw with my sisters I didn't know I was lower even than her friends. More than 6 months later that still hurts deeply. It hurts so much worse because there is just more and more after that. You'd think after she hurt me that badly she would tread softer but no. Ignore me. Say you'll do things and don't. Same shit, different day. Who fucking cares? And usually I am fine, as long as it doesn't effect Ethan. Then one time it did.
I know I hold my mother to a much higher standard than my father. I can't bear not to. I have always comforted myself with the idea that the reason my mother does that stuff to me is because she knows I can take it. She doesn't pull that shit with my sisters. Chelsey would crumple like a paper bag, Brittany would leave (except that she is already gone). My father is a moron, a louse, and an asshole. As such, I have come to learn, there is nothing he is good for except... no, he's worthless. My mom may ignore me sometimes, forget me other times, lie to me in some instances, or make foolish choices often but she's not always a bitch about it. My father is always an asshole. I didn't know until I lived out there but I do now.
My father, whom I generally refer to as Anthony Edward Lewis, not "dad" or "father", is on my shit list. There are many reason he is there. The primary reason is because he stole money from me that was meant for Ethan. I borrowed money from Ethan that I needed my security deposits to repay and he stole it. I was already angry for all the shit he did to me. Usually I am fine, as long as it doesn't effect Ethan. Then it did. Now he is non-existent as far as I am concerned. Ethan has one grand father, Grandpa Don.
I feel a bit less angry now. I know tomorrow I will get up and do my routine to get Ethan to school on time. I know my mother won't get up and I won't wait for her. She'll drag her feet because she doesn't want to go to the Sweet Maple Cafe and I won't wait. I'll go get Chelsey and Drew and the day will go however. I was a fool to try to make any plans for HER birthday. Do what I always do. Keep Ethan's routine the same.
It only took an hour and 10 minutes of writing (and angry music) to go from ready to explode so calm that even thinking of my birthday doesn't make me want to punch a hole in a wall.