Why, oh Why?
I am soooooooo excited to go to Kacey's wedding this month. I've only been to two weddings in my life and well... The first one was horrible. The marriage of Anthony Lewis to Louisa Middlebrook which almost cost the lives of myself and my sisters as we were forced to ride in a car driven by a completely intoxicated "woman". The second was my aunt Ursula's but we ended up having to work at the reception. Kacey's wedding I hope will be more fun. I'll have Ethan with me. The only real dark spot is this will be the first time I will be going to Indianapolis without the secondary intent being to see Eric.
I miss him desperately.
I didn't cry and God help me I won't but it really hurts. I miss him with almost the whole of my being (That which isn't reserved for loving Ethan that is).
So yesterday Ethan and I took a nap and I left my phone in my bed to charge while I was upstairs feeding Ethan and watching way too much TV. When I came down for the night I looked at my phone and saw I missed a call. I've been waiting for one from Ethan's delinquent Godfather and so I figured that was it. It wasn't. It was from a 317 area code. I recognized the last 4 digits... It was LaFayette Video.
Eric called me last night.
WHY? What could you possibly have to add to what you've already said? Are you going to tell me more about how I am a failure for not having a job or finishing school, not having my own house or car, for having a child out of wedlock who will never know his father (God willing)? Going to recount some more about how you intentionally ignored my birthday and phone calls? How about how desperate and manipulative you think I am but have no proof or examples. What could you possibly have to say to me?
Nothing apparently. There was no message.
I deleted the number out of my phone (AGAIN!!) as to not be tempted to call it but it is a business. That is to say, a google search could get it to me in seconds but it's just not worth it.
For the first time in my life, I am seriously doubting he is out there, Mr. Right. I used to not care. The thought of finding someone to settle down with never bothered me before. But I have a child now, I think is the catalyst. I want that partnership for help raising him. In actuality, I don't need it. I have two wonderful church families. I have a mother and stepfather who love my son more than they love anything or anyone I think, especially mom.
My sisters have each settled down before. Even if it didn't work out, they settled down at least for a time. Do I want what they have? I honestly don't know what they have. I've never settled down. I've always been so... wild. I like that about myself, unbroken, untamed. Would I have to suppress my natural state to fit into a settled relationship? Would I have to change who I am just to be with someone else? Did they have to do that? Would they have been different people if not for the relationships they are in?
The doubts I have about finding Mr. Right isn't just about if he exists. He might. But the questions I have about Mr. Right are more pertaining to if the things I want from him are possible. What are the things I want?
I want to be smarter than he is but I don't want him to be dumb (Leaves a large margin I think as I am so smart :-p)
I want us to have enough money to be comfortable but if he is the one making it, I don't want him to rub it in my face. If I'm the one making it I want him to take it in stride.
I, of course, want him to be attractive. He could even be flirtatious. But ultimately I need him to be faithful. Some women can tolerate cheating. Mistakes happen and all. I am not one of those women. I demand complete fidelity.
I want him to be good with Ethan.
Most importantly, I mean this is the penultimate requirement, He has to love me and Ethan more than I love him.
Some of these requirements I recognize as fair. Some I don't. The last one is particularly unfair. I believe that for a lasting relationship to work optimally, both parties have to be equally vulnerable, equally invested. I just HOPE it's not true. That way I can get what I want. After all, what do I know about a lasting relationship?
So, when I think about Eric, and the things I want, it was never going to work that way. So why does, why should it hurt that he's gone? I think it's because when the chips were down, when I was in my darkest hours, when I was in the worst times of my life, He was there. Money didn't matter, intelligence didn't matter, time of day didn't matter. I was just so blindly happy. And happiness in that situation was priceless. Now that that time is over, my appreciation last but he's gone. He is not who he was when I was pregnant. I think he is, when I go out to Indianapolis and he holds Ethan and they play when we have "serious" talks and he "bares his soul" and I see that handsome guy who is so funny and intelligent even though he hides it I think it's him.
People grow and evolve and adapt. No one can be expected to stay the same person forever. I'm not who I was this time last year. I can see it with me but I never see it with guys. Eric, Tom, anybody.
I will go to Indianapolis. I WILL NOT SEE ERIC. I will go to a wedding with my son and we will have a great time. We will go to church and see our second church family. (How blessed are we to have TWO?!?) I will ignore these aches. I will ignore the tears burning to escape. I will ignore it all until it goes away. I will get over this in record time. I will, I have to.
I miss him desperately.
I didn't cry and God help me I won't but it really hurts. I miss him with almost the whole of my being (That which isn't reserved for loving Ethan that is).
So yesterday Ethan and I took a nap and I left my phone in my bed to charge while I was upstairs feeding Ethan and watching way too much TV. When I came down for the night I looked at my phone and saw I missed a call. I've been waiting for one from Ethan's delinquent Godfather and so I figured that was it. It wasn't. It was from a 317 area code. I recognized the last 4 digits... It was LaFayette Video.
Eric called me last night.
WHY? What could you possibly have to add to what you've already said? Are you going to tell me more about how I am a failure for not having a job or finishing school, not having my own house or car, for having a child out of wedlock who will never know his father (God willing)? Going to recount some more about how you intentionally ignored my birthday and phone calls? How about how desperate and manipulative you think I am but have no proof or examples. What could you possibly have to say to me?
Nothing apparently. There was no message.
I deleted the number out of my phone (AGAIN!!) as to not be tempted to call it but it is a business. That is to say, a google search could get it to me in seconds but it's just not worth it.
For the first time in my life, I am seriously doubting he is out there, Mr. Right. I used to not care. The thought of finding someone to settle down with never bothered me before. But I have a child now, I think is the catalyst. I want that partnership for help raising him. In actuality, I don't need it. I have two wonderful church families. I have a mother and stepfather who love my son more than they love anything or anyone I think, especially mom.
My sisters have each settled down before. Even if it didn't work out, they settled down at least for a time. Do I want what they have? I honestly don't know what they have. I've never settled down. I've always been so... wild. I like that about myself, unbroken, untamed. Would I have to suppress my natural state to fit into a settled relationship? Would I have to change who I am just to be with someone else? Did they have to do that? Would they have been different people if not for the relationships they are in?
The doubts I have about finding Mr. Right isn't just about if he exists. He might. But the questions I have about Mr. Right are more pertaining to if the things I want from him are possible. What are the things I want?
I want to be smarter than he is but I don't want him to be dumb (Leaves a large margin I think as I am so smart :-p)
I want us to have enough money to be comfortable but if he is the one making it, I don't want him to rub it in my face. If I'm the one making it I want him to take it in stride.
I, of course, want him to be attractive. He could even be flirtatious. But ultimately I need him to be faithful. Some women can tolerate cheating. Mistakes happen and all. I am not one of those women. I demand complete fidelity.
I want him to be good with Ethan.
Most importantly, I mean this is the penultimate requirement, He has to love me and Ethan more than I love him.
Some of these requirements I recognize as fair. Some I don't. The last one is particularly unfair. I believe that for a lasting relationship to work optimally, both parties have to be equally vulnerable, equally invested. I just HOPE it's not true. That way I can get what I want. After all, what do I know about a lasting relationship?
So, when I think about Eric, and the things I want, it was never going to work that way. So why does, why should it hurt that he's gone? I think it's because when the chips were down, when I was in my darkest hours, when I was in the worst times of my life, He was there. Money didn't matter, intelligence didn't matter, time of day didn't matter. I was just so blindly happy. And happiness in that situation was priceless. Now that that time is over, my appreciation last but he's gone. He is not who he was when I was pregnant. I think he is, when I go out to Indianapolis and he holds Ethan and they play when we have "serious" talks and he "bares his soul" and I see that handsome guy who is so funny and intelligent even though he hides it I think it's him.
People grow and evolve and adapt. No one can be expected to stay the same person forever. I'm not who I was this time last year. I can see it with me but I never see it with guys. Eric, Tom, anybody.
I will go to Indianapolis. I WILL NOT SEE ERIC. I will go to a wedding with my son and we will have a great time. We will go to church and see our second church family. (How blessed are we to have TWO?!?) I will ignore these aches. I will ignore the tears burning to escape. I will ignore it all until it goes away. I will get over this in record time. I will, I have to.