My friend is dying and I don't know how to be

Oct 21, 2013 15:48

Ali is dying and I don't know how to grieve. Grief catches me off-guard with its cunning ways. Fixing breakfast and tears run down my face. Getting dressed and I'm kneeling on the floor, sobbing. In the eyes of the world Ali is "just a cat" so I cannot show grief publicly but I also can't hide my sadness. Why am I wiping my eyes at the gym or why is my face so puffy when I return from the bathroom at work? I cannot speak Ali's name out loud or I break down into tears. I simply cannot control it. I do not know how to grieve.

Ali is dying and I don't know how to help. I'm terrified about his final days, that he might suffer too long. Or that I might not know how much he's hurting. He cannot speak, he cannot tell me how he feels. He's so eager to please. Will he hide his pain beyond what is bearable?

Ali is dying and I don't know how to live. Do I stay home all the time to be with him? Should I spend every waking moment by his side? Should I make him sit on my lap even when he is in another room? How can I forgive myself if today is his last day and I didn't spend it with him?

Ali is dying and I don't know how I'll live. He is part of my every moment. We have so many rituals. Bedtime he kneads my arms (I call this my bicep massage, and my favorite moment of every day), I brush his face with my hairbrush, and then he curls up on top of me and stays there all night. Mornings, he's there. He's my familiar, my constant companion. The love of my life, as I call him.

Ali is dying and I don't know how to be.
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