everybody knows that the dice are loaded
Here I am. I have know idea why I've gone and done this personally except that perhaps there is something that I need to say. Sounds a bit cliche I know, but I've been told (and even told others) that writing and keeping a journal can go hand in hand at times.
I want to be a writer.
Any good response to that would then probably follow with.. then write. Well, I am.
I feel as if I should be expounding on something, starting a revolution with words (or of words; that could be nice too). But what can be said that isn't already written somewhere out there in this morass? Oh well. We're not here to solve the worlds tribulations or trials. We're here to explore. I like to think of the internet as the largest interactive library in the world. As a result for me at least, two things seem to apply to it. Information should be easily and freely accessible (i know its neither possible nor realistic, people have to eat and keep a roof over their heads; still a nice idea, in a perfect world), and the other is that interaction of any kind is an alien concept. Simply put I don't chat with people I don't know. Though I have made the effort over time to come out of my shell so to speak. I always seem to withdraw, mostly out of boredom (there's really nobody I understand, I'm sure of it; and I work in retail so go figure.. I used to love the human race so much too). Its been whispers here and there over the last four years, nothing significant. Who knows maybe you've even talked to me? The pregnant mother, the single mother who understands what you're going through as a parent, the pagan, the good Christian, the fan, adviser, would be lover, that lonely boy who just needs your arms around him (or his arms around you), a voice on the other side of the world that professes to accept everything you offer and questions and challenges quietly and playfully everything you believe in. Kind of like.. well maybe we've talked before. Like some people out there on the internet I have so many names.
You see I have this thing that I tell people who ask me why I act so strangely in person. I learned a long time ago that nobody is really listening to anyone else and that based on this you can, like coyote, get away with saying almost anything. Don't tap their shell too hard and they won't stomp yours into dust. I guess its just recently I got tired of being ignored. The people that cared about me got tired of waiting for something really good (which I'd promised them) to happen and they left; the rest of them.. who the fuck cares. I know, I know that is incredibly selfish and I'll flog myself later for it, but think about it. Other than your children who else would you waste vast amounts of time caring about if they didn't in turn care about you. Those who I don't care about well if it really matters to you, introduce yourself. You gotta believe that if I'm this strange I'll accept what ever I can get to step through the door of the proverbial clubhouse.
You see part of the problem with my interaction with others is this. The day to day shit you go through, unless its stuff or ideas you don't want others to see (ie, truly dropping your guard, revealing yourself) bores me to death. Now don't get me wrong I am a card carrying member of voyeurs anonymous, but I like to be the one watching. I like my privacy, but I want to still see you (gregarious loner: oxymoron for today kids). Its probably a carry over from my first two years of childhood where I had my parents all to myself. After that the next male child didn't come along until I was ten so I just settled into the idea of entertaining myself.
I've gotten rather good at it over the years, being alone. The only thing that has become an ever present problem in recent times is an almost overwhelming desire to make sudden and drastic changes to my life. Now I'm not that old so it can't be a mid life crisis, but I have certainly had places I would rather be that I have been in the past. And I'm quite certain that there are things I have yet to experience, and I feel kind of guilty that at the moment like the fridge magnet says "I am cleverly disguised as a responsible adult". I'm tired and I work too many damn hours, nobody listens nobody cares, the dice are loaded and not in your favor, you struggle, you beat your head against a wall, against a shitty economy in a shitty state, stuck in a shittier job that makes you doubt your principles, ideals, morals, and any sense of kindness you might have had for your fellow humans or their hopes and dreams. It makes you bitter, reclusive, and hate yourself and the world around you. Where you saw beauty now you see the walls of your prison and the world you want to destroy. School yard rules.. the ones you care about get hurt and the ones you hate overcome everything. And the world keeps on turning to shit. Nobody LISTENS anymore.
So I figured I had two options at this point (well three if you count drugs, but I don't consider chemical euphoria an option really; if you do that's your problem) I could seek out a psychiatrist (as you read this I'm sure you're seeking out a few for me, but please hold off for a sec.) and he/she could prescribe lots of advice and pharmaceuticals to help us through our difficult times, and we could play old favorite games of mine where you relive through words and doubts the painful bits of your life over and over again (kind of like stabbing yourself in the crotch with scissors; and if you like psychiatric care I recommend that you seek out a pair of scissors and take my advice), or I could just haul myself up by the proverbial boot straps stop crying over the spilled dog shit most peoples lives really are and do what most of America in my opinion needs to do anyway. STOP WHINING. I opted to keep whining however, since its such a history steeped American tradition and I am after all an American, and instead took up another option (out of many I'm certain you've pondered in crisis counseling) TALKING LOUDER. I figured maybe if I found the right forum it could work. Maybe if I started a website, like all the rest of us in the top secret loser's club I could get control of my life. Well the website is on down the road. I figured I'd perfect the talking louder part here first so that I could get really annoying. You know learn to make your ears bleed and your eyes explode. Find that brown noise baby. Cause maybe when the world shits its pants in unison we'll all be better humans to each other, out of fear, if not mutual embarrassment.
At least this way I could ignore you instead of the other way around. This is the white rabbit signing off.
I want to be a writer.
Any good response to that would then probably follow with.. then write. Well, I am.
I feel as if I should be expounding on something, starting a revolution with words (or of words; that could be nice too). But what can be said that isn't already written somewhere out there in this morass? Oh well. We're not here to solve the worlds tribulations or trials. We're here to explore. I like to think of the internet as the largest interactive library in the world. As a result for me at least, two things seem to apply to it. Information should be easily and freely accessible (i know its neither possible nor realistic, people have to eat and keep a roof over their heads; still a nice idea, in a perfect world), and the other is that interaction of any kind is an alien concept. Simply put I don't chat with people I don't know. Though I have made the effort over time to come out of my shell so to speak. I always seem to withdraw, mostly out of boredom (there's really nobody I understand, I'm sure of it; and I work in retail so go figure.. I used to love the human race so much too). Its been whispers here and there over the last four years, nothing significant. Who knows maybe you've even talked to me? The pregnant mother, the single mother who understands what you're going through as a parent, the pagan, the good Christian, the fan, adviser, would be lover, that lonely boy who just needs your arms around him (or his arms around you), a voice on the other side of the world that professes to accept everything you offer and questions and challenges quietly and playfully everything you believe in. Kind of like.. well maybe we've talked before. Like some people out there on the internet I have so many names.
You see I have this thing that I tell people who ask me why I act so strangely in person. I learned a long time ago that nobody is really listening to anyone else and that based on this you can, like coyote, get away with saying almost anything. Don't tap their shell too hard and they won't stomp yours into dust. I guess its just recently I got tired of being ignored. The people that cared about me got tired of waiting for something really good (which I'd promised them) to happen and they left; the rest of them.. who the fuck cares. I know, I know that is incredibly selfish and I'll flog myself later for it, but think about it. Other than your children who else would you waste vast amounts of time caring about if they didn't in turn care about you. Those who I don't care about well if it really matters to you, introduce yourself. You gotta believe that if I'm this strange I'll accept what ever I can get to step through the door of the proverbial clubhouse.
You see part of the problem with my interaction with others is this. The day to day shit you go through, unless its stuff or ideas you don't want others to see (ie, truly dropping your guard, revealing yourself) bores me to death. Now don't get me wrong I am a card carrying member of voyeurs anonymous, but I like to be the one watching. I like my privacy, but I want to still see you (gregarious loner: oxymoron for today kids). Its probably a carry over from my first two years of childhood where I had my parents all to myself. After that the next male child didn't come along until I was ten so I just settled into the idea of entertaining myself.
I've gotten rather good at it over the years, being alone. The only thing that has become an ever present problem in recent times is an almost overwhelming desire to make sudden and drastic changes to my life. Now I'm not that old so it can't be a mid life crisis, but I have certainly had places I would rather be that I have been in the past. And I'm quite certain that there are things I have yet to experience, and I feel kind of guilty that at the moment like the fridge magnet says "I am cleverly disguised as a responsible adult". I'm tired and I work too many damn hours, nobody listens nobody cares, the dice are loaded and not in your favor, you struggle, you beat your head against a wall, against a shitty economy in a shitty state, stuck in a shittier job that makes you doubt your principles, ideals, morals, and any sense of kindness you might have had for your fellow humans or their hopes and dreams. It makes you bitter, reclusive, and hate yourself and the world around you. Where you saw beauty now you see the walls of your prison and the world you want to destroy. School yard rules.. the ones you care about get hurt and the ones you hate overcome everything. And the world keeps on turning to shit. Nobody LISTENS anymore.
So I figured I had two options at this point (well three if you count drugs, but I don't consider chemical euphoria an option really; if you do that's your problem) I could seek out a psychiatrist (as you read this I'm sure you're seeking out a few for me, but please hold off for a sec.) and he/she could prescribe lots of advice and pharmaceuticals to help us through our difficult times, and we could play old favorite games of mine where you relive through words and doubts the painful bits of your life over and over again (kind of like stabbing yourself in the crotch with scissors; and if you like psychiatric care I recommend that you seek out a pair of scissors and take my advice), or I could just haul myself up by the proverbial boot straps stop crying over the spilled dog shit most peoples lives really are and do what most of America in my opinion needs to do anyway. STOP WHINING. I opted to keep whining however, since its such a history steeped American tradition and I am after all an American, and instead took up another option (out of many I'm certain you've pondered in crisis counseling) TALKING LOUDER. I figured maybe if I found the right forum it could work. Maybe if I started a website, like all the rest of us in the top secret loser's club I could get control of my life. Well the website is on down the road. I figured I'd perfect the talking louder part here first so that I could get really annoying. You know learn to make your ears bleed and your eyes explode. Find that brown noise baby. Cause maybe when the world shits its pants in unison we'll all be better humans to each other, out of fear, if not mutual embarrassment.
At least this way I could ignore you instead of the other way around. This is the white rabbit signing off.