Once upon a time, on a blog I sometimes read, a question was asked about readers' dealbreakers in interpersonal interactions. I wrote a version of this
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Re: Just for funcatnessAugust 14 2014, 23:01:07 UTC
As a dealbreaker, honesty is a complex and curious thing. Everybody is dishonest about something. Or some things. Because they're people, and that means they're rationalizing - not rational - beings. I can't demand or expect honesty from people that are not in my inner circles, so I don't try, and I don't worry about 100% No Misdirections Or Fabrications Ever honesty that much, even though I prefer honesty to the alternative.
I do expect reasonable levels of honesty from people that I share parts of my life with, and that's part and parcel with respecting me, but I'm not going to wield a Yardstick (or Microscope) Of Honest Behavior at all times so I can judge everyone's integrity with final authority. Pfffft. In general, anyone to whom I would give a twenty dollar bill to buy popcorn with is not someone whose change I would be counting when they got back with the buttery goodness.
Respectful people will be honest about the things that matter, in interacting with me. Disrespectful people... well, it already doesn't matter to me if they're honest, because I'm already going to be doing my utmost to minimalize their impact upon my life. And habitually dishonest people are pretty easy to spot.
The habitually dishonest are obvious because they tend to lie about things that don't matter, when the outcome of lying vs. not lying isn't relevant. Meaningless and yet deliberate falsehood is indicative of a predilection toward lying about things that *do* matter, so I avoid those who do this, or actively work around them when avoidance isn't possible (e.g., workplace, the music business). The good thing about habitual liars, though, is that most folks aren't super good at water-tight lies or smart enough to pull off blanket falsehoods that cover all the various ways people gather and interpret information. Habitual liars with great charisma are better at it, because everybody *wants to believe* (and it's certainly frustrating to me when others get snowed by charm), but charismatic liars (or any other kind) rarely make it past my filters.
Where I *did* mention dishonesty above is where it matters to me the most, in intimate relationships or deep friendships/associations. If you're the kind of person who's generally honest about the basic stuff, and you're in my circle of People I Care About, yet you consistently come up short in self-evaluation, that's where it becomes a dealbreaker for me. Everybody has less-than-pleasant parts of their personalities, or unexamined bias/privilege. It would be great if we could all just interact with everybody else in ways that don't hurt or harm, but that's just not how it goes, and where we conflict, we have to remedy that if we care about the others involved.
If someone calls me on my shit, I may not *like* it, but I have to look at it, and check its validity. And if it's real shit, then I have to own it, and if I want to stop harming and begin making someone else's journey easier, I have to be willing to change it. And also be *able* to change it. I can't change it if I won't acknowledge it, and it's dishonest to pretend that a truth isn't a truth just because it makes me feel bad. This kind of dishonesty is my personal dealbreaker.
Other kinds of dishonesty may *bother* me in some way, but there are only so many hours in the day, and I don't want to spend those hours on people who don't deserve the time or on things I can't change.
Thank you for the long and thoughtful response. I've read through it several times now.
I agree with what you say in every respect. Part of why I haven't replied sooner has been trying to come up with something more than emphatic nodding in agreement. But I also didn't want you to think I was ignoring this.
I would say that for myself I place a heavy emphasis on honesty and truth-telling because I have major trust issues. But that is, as you say, part of my own shit that I need to own.
I do expect reasonable levels of honesty from people that I share parts of my life with, and that's part and parcel with respecting me, but I'm not going to wield a Yardstick (or Microscope) Of Honest Behavior at all times so I can judge everyone's integrity with final authority. Pfffft. In general, anyone to whom I would give a twenty dollar bill to buy popcorn with is not someone whose change I would be counting when they got back with the buttery goodness.
Respectful people will be honest about the things that matter, in interacting with me. Disrespectful people... well, it already doesn't matter to me if they're honest, because I'm already going to be doing my utmost to minimalize their impact upon my life. And habitually dishonest people are pretty easy to spot.
The habitually dishonest are obvious because they tend to lie about things that don't matter, when the outcome of lying vs. not lying isn't relevant. Meaningless and yet deliberate falsehood is indicative of a predilection toward lying about things that *do* matter, so I avoid those who do this, or actively work around them when avoidance isn't possible (e.g., workplace, the music business). The good thing about habitual liars, though, is that most folks aren't super good at water-tight lies or smart enough to pull off blanket falsehoods that cover all the various ways people gather and interpret information. Habitual liars with great charisma are better at it, because everybody *wants to believe* (and it's certainly frustrating to me when others get snowed by charm), but charismatic liars (or any other kind) rarely make it past my filters.
Where I *did* mention dishonesty above is where it matters to me the most, in intimate relationships or deep friendships/associations. If you're the kind of person who's generally honest about the basic stuff, and you're in my circle of People I Care About, yet you consistently come up short in self-evaluation, that's where it becomes a dealbreaker for me. Everybody has less-than-pleasant parts of their personalities, or unexamined bias/privilege. It would be great if we could all just interact with everybody else in ways that don't hurt or harm, but that's just not how it goes, and where we conflict, we have to remedy that if we care about the others involved.
If someone calls me on my shit, I may not *like* it, but I have to look at it, and check its validity. And if it's real shit, then I have to own it, and if I want to stop harming and begin making someone else's journey easier, I have to be willing to change it. And also be *able* to change it. I can't change it if I won't acknowledge it, and it's dishonest to pretend that a truth isn't a truth just because it makes me feel bad. This kind of dishonesty is my personal dealbreaker.
Other kinds of dishonesty may *bother* me in some way, but there are only so many hours in the day, and I don't want to spend those hours on people who don't deserve the time or on things I can't change.
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I agree with what you say in every respect. Part of why I haven't replied sooner has been trying to come up with something more than emphatic nodding in agreement. But I also didn't want you to think I was ignoring this.
I would say that for myself I place a heavy emphasis on honesty and truth-telling because I have major trust issues. But that is, as you say, part of my own shit that I need to own.
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