Dealbreakers
Once upon a time, on a blog I sometimes read, a question was asked about readers' dealbreakers in interpersonal interactions. I wrote a version of this:
My dealbreakers are complicated, and they are also evolving. So they may change in scope or vehemence over time, but they are still dealbreakers.
For business associates and friends: You must respect me, my knowledge, and my time. I have areas of expertise and I have earned my job titles and salaries, so assuming I'm not competent (e.g., because I'm a woman), or disrespecting my skills is not appropriate. Also, I'm super busy and over-scheduled, so being frivolous with my time usually puts me in a state of emergency. It also adds anger/frustation to my life that I don't need.*
For intimate partners: Same as above, but also... you must understand that your experiences are not the same as others', and you must have empathy for them and at least a basic understanding of your own privilege and how that affects your movement through the world. You must be willing to own what you're feeling and what you're doing, and be willing to discuss it without attempts at emotional manipulation or dishonesty. (Why, yes, I *am* single. "Surprise!" -- said nobody ever)
For intimate and otherwise partners: Do not drop Bad Situations on me at night before bed. Even if we talk out whatever the issue is from 8p-10p, and you're at peace with it and going to sleep happy, I am up all night stressed. I'm an insomniac at the best of times, and relationship difficulty is never the best of times.
In general: Don't project what you would do, or what society thinks I would do, onto me. If you want to know what I am doing, or what I am thinking, ASK ME. I have disentangled myself from a lot of bullshit narratives that are ascribed to people presumed to occupy my multiple niches in the world, and while I won't argue with you if you assume incorrect things about me without engaging my input, I will respect you less and limit our interactions.
* The work stuff may come up in a later post.
My dealbreakers are complicated, and they are also evolving. So they may change in scope or vehemence over time, but they are still dealbreakers.
For business associates and friends: You must respect me, my knowledge, and my time. I have areas of expertise and I have earned my job titles and salaries, so assuming I'm not competent (e.g., because I'm a woman), or disrespecting my skills is not appropriate. Also, I'm super busy and over-scheduled, so being frivolous with my time usually puts me in a state of emergency. It also adds anger/frustation to my life that I don't need.*
For intimate partners: Same as above, but also... you must understand that your experiences are not the same as others', and you must have empathy for them and at least a basic understanding of your own privilege and how that affects your movement through the world. You must be willing to own what you're feeling and what you're doing, and be willing to discuss it without attempts at emotional manipulation or dishonesty. (Why, yes, I *am* single. "Surprise!" -- said nobody ever)
For intimate and otherwise partners: Do not drop Bad Situations on me at night before bed. Even if we talk out whatever the issue is from 8p-10p, and you're at peace with it and going to sleep happy, I am up all night stressed. I'm an insomniac at the best of times, and relationship difficulty is never the best of times.
In general: Don't project what you would do, or what society thinks I would do, onto me. If you want to know what I am doing, or what I am thinking, ASK ME. I have disentangled myself from a lot of bullshit narratives that are ascribed to people presumed to occupy my multiple niches in the world, and while I won't argue with you if you assume incorrect things about me without engaging my input, I will respect you less and limit our interactions.
* The work stuff may come up in a later post.