A little bit tired, but brand new
I just realised earlier that I've spent the last 3 New Years alone. Well, actually, last year there were others around, it's just that they weren't around to hang out with me so I stayed out of their way. It got me thinking about why that is.
All I came up with is that I want to enjoy the introduction of a new year, and I want it to mean something. And right now the only way I really understand to enjoy something - to be completely comfortable and at peace to feel free - is when I'm alone. I can't do that - I can't live life to the fullest - in the company of others.
So that leads to the question of whether or not it's just the way I am - a true loaner, or if it's a fault that I need to work on...and I already know the answer. What is it inside me that doesn't allow me to be myself, with others. Why can't I open up and let anyone in to my world? I've somehow built my walls so thick, without even knowing how or when exactly it happened. Did it come from my shyness? From bad experiences with other people? Have I just not found the right people? Will I ever be able to change? To grow out of this ridiculous mess?
The only people I can truly truly count on are my family - but you know what? They've all moved on. Every single one of them. Mum and Dad have grown out of parenthood - they're quite happy to go off and do their own thing, as the of course should. My brother and my older sister have both very much got their own lives - in fact both are moving out of Melbourne with their partners in the coming weeks. Even my younger sister has moved on - she has a life that I could only dream of, and is currently away for 10 days. Despite the fact that they're off in their own worlds tonight, I'm grateful to know that they'll all spare a moment's thought for me as the new year rolls in. But we're all different people, and have different ideas of how to spend our time, and so we are apart.
What I don't understand is how to find that person who's going to make me so happy that I will invite them to be a part of my new years eve - someone that won't judge me, and who can enjoy the night, but who'll actually want me to be a part of their new years eve too.
I haven't found them yet, and I'm not going to do that in the state that I am in. I'm hesitant to say that that will change this year, for it is something I have struggled with my whole life, and I wouldn't have a clue how to really deal with it, but I do hope that some day I can find a way to break down those walls.
All I came up with is that I want to enjoy the introduction of a new year, and I want it to mean something. And right now the only way I really understand to enjoy something - to be completely comfortable and at peace to feel free - is when I'm alone. I can't do that - I can't live life to the fullest - in the company of others.
So that leads to the question of whether or not it's just the way I am - a true loaner, or if it's a fault that I need to work on...and I already know the answer. What is it inside me that doesn't allow me to be myself, with others. Why can't I open up and let anyone in to my world? I've somehow built my walls so thick, without even knowing how or when exactly it happened. Did it come from my shyness? From bad experiences with other people? Have I just not found the right people? Will I ever be able to change? To grow out of this ridiculous mess?
The only people I can truly truly count on are my family - but you know what? They've all moved on. Every single one of them. Mum and Dad have grown out of parenthood - they're quite happy to go off and do their own thing, as the of course should. My brother and my older sister have both very much got their own lives - in fact both are moving out of Melbourne with their partners in the coming weeks. Even my younger sister has moved on - she has a life that I could only dream of, and is currently away for 10 days. Despite the fact that they're off in their own worlds tonight, I'm grateful to know that they'll all spare a moment's thought for me as the new year rolls in. But we're all different people, and have different ideas of how to spend our time, and so we are apart.
What I don't understand is how to find that person who's going to make me so happy that I will invite them to be a part of my new years eve - someone that won't judge me, and who can enjoy the night, but who'll actually want me to be a part of their new years eve too.
I haven't found them yet, and I'm not going to do that in the state that I am in. I'm hesitant to say that that will change this year, for it is something I have struggled with my whole life, and I wouldn't have a clue how to really deal with it, but I do hope that some day I can find a way to break down those walls.