Stay Together For the Kids...
How about stay together for the parents? The boyfriends? The friends? The employers? The former three are invaluable to me and I would certainly not be here without them - isn't it payback time for all the times they have worried about me, been lied to (and damn well known it), trod on eggshells around me, been patient with me when they wanted to scream? Forget about parents and boyfriends staying strong for me - I have had beyond my fair share of all that. I take and I take and yes, God, I appreciate it more than I could ever put into words, but, excuse my language, it has come to my attention now that I HAVE to start taking responsifuckingbility for myself. Support and love is fantastic, all well and good, but who am I to rely on that amount of compassion and forgiveness for the rest of my life? It should not be something that I either accept or expect. I often find myself wondering why on earth my loved ones have not yet given up on me, left me, even just displayed their anger and frustrations - the answer? They have hope. They have belief. That this is not all there is... that things can, and will change.
Simple movement then - I need to hop on their faith train. I know exactly what I need to do physically, but this is a battle of self belief versus stupidly and rather inexplicabley low self esteem. Change will come from a shift it how I feel over what I do. Motivation is what I need, and I am far too guilty now of sitting around and waiting for something to come to me, waiting for that kick up the arse that never comes until it's too late and I once again find myself stripped of dignity in an Eating Disorder Unit. Like it or not, there is always a choice. From the smallest bite of an apple to full recovery and ignoring all those shitting thoughts that Anorexia keeps telling you - it is all a choice. A bloody hard one, but probably the most important one I will ever make.
They say you can't choose your family, they're stuck with me, with all of this. Others can walk away. Just as I have the choice to make the effort to change my ways, many of my loved ones have the choice to put up with the moody, irritable, constantly tired, lying cow that my Eating Disorder often turns me into; or they can say they have had enough and leave. I can't believe that none of them have, but I do know that now, after years and years of my (what should, to me, be) intolerable behaviour, I can see cracks. Cracks grow. I need some form of recovery-flavoured polyfiller before it is too late.
Behaviour B&Q, here I come.
Simple movement then - I need to hop on their faith train. I know exactly what I need to do physically, but this is a battle of self belief versus stupidly and rather inexplicabley low self esteem. Change will come from a shift it how I feel over what I do. Motivation is what I need, and I am far too guilty now of sitting around and waiting for something to come to me, waiting for that kick up the arse that never comes until it's too late and I once again find myself stripped of dignity in an Eating Disorder Unit. Like it or not, there is always a choice. From the smallest bite of an apple to full recovery and ignoring all those shitting thoughts that Anorexia keeps telling you - it is all a choice. A bloody hard one, but probably the most important one I will ever make.
They say you can't choose your family, they're stuck with me, with all of this. Others can walk away. Just as I have the choice to make the effort to change my ways, many of my loved ones have the choice to put up with the moody, irritable, constantly tired, lying cow that my Eating Disorder often turns me into; or they can say they have had enough and leave. I can't believe that none of them have, but I do know that now, after years and years of my (what should, to me, be) intolerable behaviour, I can see cracks. Cracks grow. I need some form of recovery-flavoured polyfiller before it is too late.
Behaviour B&Q, here I come.