Eating Disorder Recovery - Blip or Relapse?
It's been a while, dear blog. Why? I have shied away for the very reason that not all that long ago I was defending myself against. The last few weeks have been a struggle, in particular this past week as my boyfriend was away skiing so I, left to my own devices, went a little (quite to very) off track. I thought it irresponsible to come here talking about how difficult eating 'normally' had become and was caught up once again in feeling guilty about letting others know (letting them know means letting them down).
Re-think: This is about spreading awareness about Eating Disorders and recovery - it isn't me, a fully recovered Anorexic, preaching about how amazing life without an ED is - it is me, being completely honest about what a shit it is to try to recover from, but hoping all along that it is possible and that it will be worth it. It is a sufferer speaking out about reality - nothing more, nothing less.
Recovery does not have a beginning, middle or end... Recovery is an ongoing process complete with ups and downs and sometimes part of the process of full recovery does involve relapse. The most important thing is to be aware, and I am hyperaware of myself, my behaviours and my changing of 'rules' that I put on myself.
My problem now is that despite being aware of going a little downhill in terms of my own recovery, I feel triggered by the fact that I have lost a small (but seemingly visible - I've been told) amount of weight. As it would with a woman weighing 14 stone, I have an automatic 'good' feeling when I lose weight... although I know that I don't have the weight to lose unless I want to spend another chunk of my life. I don't want to give any more chunks away thank you very much. It's amazing, and quite scary, though, how quickly this illness can come back and grab you and grip you again and again. This last inpatient stay was my most successful attempt so far, and I came out fighting strong, really wanting to get better and make the most of my time, my life, my potential. Never underestimate the power of Anorexia. Without making a conscious effort, it seems to have sneakily wormed it's way back into my life. How rude: I didn't ask you to come back.
I am aware, my loved ones are aware, my GP will find out when I see her on Friday - but it's me who needs to put up the fight. I can't have support for the rest of my life, this is my responsibility and although it may trick me into thinking that I feel better about my body, that isn't worth me throwing away even more time. Such a waste of time, waste of life.
I need a giant to come and shake me hard by the shoulders.
Any volunteers?
Re-think: This is about spreading awareness about Eating Disorders and recovery - it isn't me, a fully recovered Anorexic, preaching about how amazing life without an ED is - it is me, being completely honest about what a shit it is to try to recover from, but hoping all along that it is possible and that it will be worth it. It is a sufferer speaking out about reality - nothing more, nothing less.
Recovery does not have a beginning, middle or end... Recovery is an ongoing process complete with ups and downs and sometimes part of the process of full recovery does involve relapse. The most important thing is to be aware, and I am hyperaware of myself, my behaviours and my changing of 'rules' that I put on myself.
My problem now is that despite being aware of going a little downhill in terms of my own recovery, I feel triggered by the fact that I have lost a small (but seemingly visible - I've been told) amount of weight. As it would with a woman weighing 14 stone, I have an automatic 'good' feeling when I lose weight... although I know that I don't have the weight to lose unless I want to spend another chunk of my life. I don't want to give any more chunks away thank you very much. It's amazing, and quite scary, though, how quickly this illness can come back and grab you and grip you again and again. This last inpatient stay was my most successful attempt so far, and I came out fighting strong, really wanting to get better and make the most of my time, my life, my potential. Never underestimate the power of Anorexia. Without making a conscious effort, it seems to have sneakily wormed it's way back into my life. How rude: I didn't ask you to come back.
I am aware, my loved ones are aware, my GP will find out when I see her on Friday - but it's me who needs to put up the fight. I can't have support for the rest of my life, this is my responsibility and although it may trick me into thinking that I feel better about my body, that isn't worth me throwing away even more time. Such a waste of time, waste of life.
I need a giant to come and shake me hard by the shoulders.
Any volunteers?