On Depression, Suicide and Life
The day after I told my parents and boyfriend that I had been having suicidal thoughts I was plagued by my own conscience - my own suicide in comparison to the devastatingly unfortunate accidental death of Nodar Kumaritashvili. In short, I felt selfish for even thinking about taking my own life and having to tell those who love me that I was at risk of doing so, and responsible. Just too responsible. When it comes down to it, suicide is about choice, and I swear that in that moment you might feel out of control and unable to think rationally about your actions, it is you who determines your fate: do you live or do you die? Do you carry on the fight or do you give in? Do you take responsibilty or do you throw it away? What saddened me the most was the stark reality that this young, talented athlete had all of these choices taken away for him, his life cut short and dreams left behind through no fault of his own. How could I take myself away from my loved ones on purpose, to make that decision and not think for a moment how much devastation it would cause?
If only everybody who goes through depression and suffers from suicidal thoughts could simultaneously focus on the rational, the reality... have the ability to take a few steps back and just think about something other than that hunger for death. For too many people, hindsight won't be an option - too little, too late.
Somehow, I saved myself. I crossed a line, I scared myself and I scared others. I did things that went completely against all my morality - lost in a mist of depression, negativity and self-hatred, which in itself fuelled guilt, hence more self-hate and stronger urges to destruct. Feelings snowball - you are guilty of upsetting and worrying others, this makes you a bad person, this upsets you, you get lower and lower, your moodswings become unpredictable and you piss off everyone you know, this makes you a worse person, you don't want to keep hurting those you love so of course, everything would be better and everyone would be happier if you ceased to exist. That, my friends, is a logic behind suicide that is stronger than any other thought at the time. It's power can beat all ethics, morals, opinions and beliefs.
Going through this has taught me a lesson: to not ever dare to be judgemental towards anyone who commits suicide, or attempts it, for any reason. So much more complex and overwhelming than being 'a selfish act', which is what I used to think automatically upon hearing any news on the subject. It demands a rethink.
I want to see my niece grow up, I want to see if I can get myself a job at the Media City, I want to make my boyfriend happy, I want to get married and give my parents grandchildren. I want life.
"Never, never, never give up"
If only everybody who goes through depression and suffers from suicidal thoughts could simultaneously focus on the rational, the reality... have the ability to take a few steps back and just think about something other than that hunger for death. For too many people, hindsight won't be an option - too little, too late.
Somehow, I saved myself. I crossed a line, I scared myself and I scared others. I did things that went completely against all my morality - lost in a mist of depression, negativity and self-hatred, which in itself fuelled guilt, hence more self-hate and stronger urges to destruct. Feelings snowball - you are guilty of upsetting and worrying others, this makes you a bad person, this upsets you, you get lower and lower, your moodswings become unpredictable and you piss off everyone you know, this makes you a worse person, you don't want to keep hurting those you love so of course, everything would be better and everyone would be happier if you ceased to exist. That, my friends, is a logic behind suicide that is stronger than any other thought at the time. It's power can beat all ethics, morals, opinions and beliefs.
Going through this has taught me a lesson: to not ever dare to be judgemental towards anyone who commits suicide, or attempts it, for any reason. So much more complex and overwhelming than being 'a selfish act', which is what I used to think automatically upon hearing any news on the subject. It demands a rethink.
I want to see my niece grow up, I want to see if I can get myself a job at the Media City, I want to make my boyfriend happy, I want to get married and give my parents grandchildren. I want life.
"Never, never, never give up"