(no subject)
i really badly want to be ok. i want to not be freaking out this weekend at the (ever so slight) possibility that jim might come to see a show.
i feel like i'm going to have a huge knot in my stomach all weekend in anticipation of a possible visit. i know that the chances of him stopping by are ever so slim. but it's still there.
i was talking to josh tonight, as i have been recently. and i miss him, and adore him. and it's nice to get a different perspective on things. and to hear other people's stories in similar situations.
i am also at an odd point at which i don't want to hook up with anyone or get close to anyone. or look for someone to kiss at midnight at the new years party i'll be at. i dont want to get close to anybody. but at the same time, all i want is a fuck. a good fuck. i know that won't make me feel better, by any means. but that's the way i can think to describe what's going on with me now. i think.
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A. i feel like im going to have a huge knot in my stomach all weekend, just knowing that theres the potential for jim to come to a show. and then i would need to see him. and im slowly realizing that im not ready. we were sorta on topic tonight at the bar, and i made comment about jim maybe coming and i almost started crying. im nervous. im scared. i dont know what to expect or make of it
on the other hand, i shouldnt even really bother, bc the chances of him coming are slim
J. you know if you aren't ready you can ask him not to come
it's okay
you don't have anything to prove to anybody
A. i think i almost have to prove it to myself. and i really want to be ready. but i dont know if i am. but i also feel like i need this to see how im doing. and the longer i go without seeing him, the harder it may get.
i think i mean hard in the way some things get harder to face the longer you put them off. maybe and probably not in this case, but the longer it takes to face it, the bigger it becomes in your mind
J. maybe
but I don't think you need to force yourself to do it
you might want to but you have to make sure it's for the right reasons
A. i... i dont know.
J. if you're not ready then you're not, and no one will think any less of you and more importantly you shouldn't think any less of you
A. i dont know what my reasons are. i dont know if this will be right.
J. well, if you have doubts than they're there for a reason
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I'm off to cry myself to sleep and try to figure out what my reasons for anything are.
{any thoughts caitlin?}
i feel like i'm going to have a huge knot in my stomach all weekend in anticipation of a possible visit. i know that the chances of him stopping by are ever so slim. but it's still there.
i was talking to josh tonight, as i have been recently. and i miss him, and adore him. and it's nice to get a different perspective on things. and to hear other people's stories in similar situations.
i am also at an odd point at which i don't want to hook up with anyone or get close to anyone. or look for someone to kiss at midnight at the new years party i'll be at. i dont want to get close to anybody. but at the same time, all i want is a fuck. a good fuck. i know that won't make me feel better, by any means. but that's the way i can think to describe what's going on with me now. i think.
----------------------
A. i feel like im going to have a huge knot in my stomach all weekend, just knowing that theres the potential for jim to come to a show. and then i would need to see him. and im slowly realizing that im not ready. we were sorta on topic tonight at the bar, and i made comment about jim maybe coming and i almost started crying. im nervous. im scared. i dont know what to expect or make of it
on the other hand, i shouldnt even really bother, bc the chances of him coming are slim
J. you know if you aren't ready you can ask him not to come
it's okay
you don't have anything to prove to anybody
A. i think i almost have to prove it to myself. and i really want to be ready. but i dont know if i am. but i also feel like i need this to see how im doing. and the longer i go without seeing him, the harder it may get.
i think i mean hard in the way some things get harder to face the longer you put them off. maybe and probably not in this case, but the longer it takes to face it, the bigger it becomes in your mind
J. maybe
but I don't think you need to force yourself to do it
you might want to but you have to make sure it's for the right reasons
A. i... i dont know.
J. if you're not ready then you're not, and no one will think any less of you and more importantly you shouldn't think any less of you
A. i dont know what my reasons are. i dont know if this will be right.
J. well, if you have doubts than they're there for a reason
----------------------
I'm off to cry myself to sleep and try to figure out what my reasons for anything are.
{any thoughts caitlin?}