this is where we both go numb now.....

[catatonic_love]

wow. I wasn't aware that being in mourning could actually turn into so much anger and hatred. Josh hasn't called me in 3 days. I'm starting to feel stupid for trying to call, because I know he's not going to pick up. I know he cares about me, but maybe he should think about the fact that knowing that I'm not going to see him for another 4 months, and that all I have is phone calls to him, that it really fucking sucks, and makes it even harder when he doesn't bother to pick up the phone. I mean I can understand thursday night, he'd been on a plane all day, then he went out all night, so he was tired......whatever. But yesterday, and today, I just don't get it. Now suddenly I'm getting yelled at by xander for complaining about it. Maybe xander should do something. I get sean off his back, and sean's fucking scared of him now, and really wants to just avoid xander at all costs. The least he could do for me is make josh call me, seeing as he's with josh every single night. So josh left. He's in california again. I probably won't see him until around christmas, and it hurts like fucking hell. I hate it when people say, well just be happy, and look forward to the fact that you'll see him then, but they don't even fucking know. How can you say that to someone, when your boyfriend is right down the street and you see him every single day. How can you look me in the eye and tell me I should stop wasting my time crying, and sleeping, and being sad, because I'll see him soon enough. You don't even know. This has been the worst 3 days of my life. My boyfriend leaves, and he won't call me. Last night I stayed over at mercedes house, and she tells me to cut her hair. So I fuck up, cut too much off, but its really really cute. She doesn't care, she hates it, and she feels like a pregnant mother. Then this morning her mom tells me that I have to go home because she's so angry with me over what I did to mercedes hair. So I'm about to cry, and I just want to go home, and I can't find a ride from anyone, so I'm about to walk 2 miles to the train station in the pourring rain, with like no cash just hoping I'd find some, so I can get the fuck home. Then xander reminds me its saturday, and I figure out that my mom is around, so I tell her to come get me. I have the worst headache of my life and I'm so fucking sick of crying. I love josh to death, and I never want to leave him, it just makes me cry so much. But thats not reason enough to leave him. I would wait forever for him. So I'm just going to suck it up and deal with it. I think the only thing good that has happened to me this weekend, was finding out my life guard certification classes were cancelled. Because you know, I'm just a fucking wreck right now, and I don't think anyone wants to deal with me, so I guess its good, because I think I'd rather be at home sleeping and bitching about my day. I swear to god if I get any shit for this I'm going to fucking kill someone, because its my fucking livejournal, and if you think I'm whining or bitching too much then fucking don't read it, because it's mine, so if you're going to read it, then learn to love it or just shut your fucking mouth. Well I'm going outside to smoke, because that pretty much seems to be the only thing left to do besides cry and sleep, and I've done way too much of that. later gator.

<3xxk

I do love you though josh. I just miss you, and you can't even understand how much, because normal functioning for you (i.e- going out with your friends and such) just isn't fun for me anymore, because I just want to crawl into a hole and die. I love you my punky monkey.

oh and cedes....I'm really sorry about your hair. I still think its cute though, and it'll grow back.