Fleeting perspective
For the past couple of years I have been thinking really hard about a partner. I think it's fair to say that I have had a couple of meaningful relationships in my adult life, and each of them for one reason or another would not hold. Being single this past almost year has really given me time to reflect on these and other relationships I have with people and partners alike, and after a conversation with someone I thought I had written off completely I had come to the conclusion that it's very likely that I am not compatible with anyone. Even when I had someone who fawned at me I saw fit that it should end, and rather then trying really really hard to fix things I dropped it, walking away and leaving someone really hurt. I didn't really think about it until tonight when she talked to me again, but walking home I thought very intensely about it. What I want in a relationship with another person likely does not exist, the many aspects of a relationship likely will not be found in one person who is both still single at this time in the game, and is into me as much as I would likely be into her. This leads me to the conclusion that the only person who will really ever be there looks back at me through the mirror. I find as the days go by meeting new people feels like an exercise in futility, the routine is so played out I lose interest before the game really even begins. I'd be lying if I said it didn't bother me, but at the same time I have little expectation, so if that miraculous person who fits like a glove does happen to appear out of the great blue sky I might, just might, appreciate her the way I have failed to in the past.