who knew it would be this hard??
Today was good. Was ready to fall asleep in my play class cause I was extremely tired, but managed to get through. Then went to the RA soccer game... Katie you did awesome! They didn't win or lose cause it was a 0-0 game, but they did awesome and I had fun watching with Nicole and Ms. Gini, cheering them on. :) Then staff dinner. Which is always interesting. Found myself yelling when I was talking about checking out keys and checking the key log sheet when on duty. Mandy gladly told me to lower my voice. I didn't even realize how loud I was cause my ears were kinda plugged for some reason and I sound perfectly fine.... to myself. So I felt kinda bad. Oh well! Then duty called and I fell asleep on my couch with my door open so anyone could come find me if they needed me. Watched Friends with the girls. Almost cried... cheezy I know! It's weird to think that next week is the LAST Friends episode. That show has been on since we were little! It's odd to think about! Don't worry! I WILL get through this traumatic experience and move on with my life! ;) Some of the residents did some really cool sidewalk chalk outside tonight too! Of course some chose to draw some shrooms and weed, but what more can I expect from my hall? Seriously! But it's cool and the girls drew some cool drawings at least! Now we'll see if I get a knock on my door in the morning with a mad Erin upset about the chalk all over the place. I don't think she will be though cause it's not like she has to be teh one to clean it up! If she doesnt' mind then I'm gonna do a program and have the residents just take over the whole Basetties sidewalks. It'll be cool! :)
After a good night, I don't know... I was watching the news and they talked about how many soldiers have been killed in Iraq and it was over 700. That's something we don't realize as Americans cause they don't really give us the whole picture of what's going on. Immediately my thought went to Dennis and Matt. Dennis told me that Matt's Nat'l Guard unit will probably be sent within a year to Iraq. Dennis will probably get out of it luckily, but I can't help but worry about Matt. He's not even there, and the chances of him being killed when he is there is small, but I can't help but worry. Which then just made me think about Matt all over again. And I've been having so many emotions with that situation lately. But just thinking about it again just tore me in half. I broke down crying and called Rebekah and she ran over here and just held me while I told her everything I was feeling. I haven't cried that hard in a long time. Of course she was trying to lighten the mood and brought up something from the past with me, Matt, and her and that just made me cry harder. I don't think she realized it. There was a time when I was soooo madly in love with Matt that I would do ANYTHING for him. I made a mistake, he forgave me for it and still wanted to spend the rest of his life with me, but then I realized that what I THOUGHT I wanted to do, wasn't it. I couldn't imagine moving to WY after student teaching and living there for 3-5 years with him. I hate that state. I have no desire to live there. There were so many things that I wanted in my life and I didn't want to put them on hold. Cause by the time I would be able to do them, I would put them aside cause in 5 years I want to have a family and have kids. It just didn't seem like his life and my life were on the same path, no matter how much I wanted them to be there. So I broke up with him. It was the HARDEST decision I have had to make. I can't say I don't love him. I can't say that I have no regrets cause that was the whole reason I broke down crying tonight. I have thought a MILLIONS time whether or not I made a mistake. And the one thing that I didn't want to hear, I heard from Dennis this weekend. "Matt's girlfriend..." He's moving on, and I don't blame him. I wanted him too. But I never realized HOW hard it would be to hear those words that he's seeing someone else. All the thoughts about wondering if it was a mistake and thinking that maybe things will work out in the end for us, have come to a halt. Reality hit. I can't change what I did and when I told him that I wanted him to be happy and get out there and see other people, it happened. Then I think about how he might be shipped out and how much I still love him. If he does, I can't live with the picture in my head of how we left eachother at Christmas. If for some weird reason he died in Iraq, I would not be able to get past the fact that I didn't get to see him again. I know that there were logical reasons for me to break up with him in the first place. And even though it was the hardest thing for me to do, it had to be done. He deserves someone better. I guess that is how I'm feeling. No matter how much I loved him, and still do, he deserved more. There is one picture left in my room of him... and I have to get rid of it. Cause every time I look at it I think about what we had and how I decided to let it go. I know that some of you may read this and think "kathy.. it wasn't a mistake. Don't feel bad!" or "Why dwell on this... why such a downer LJ?" This is just how I feel at the time and I just need to get it down in words. The one thing that I have learned in my 4 years of being here though is that I hate when people tell me not to feel a certain way. When people say "Don't be upset about this class", "Don't worry about this", and the kicker ... "Don't think it was your fault you were raped" When everyone told me that when I first had to deal with that situation, I was furious. I hate when people tell me not to feel something! (just to let you all know) Let me feel how I feel. You're not me, you haven't been in the exact situation, don't tell me how I should feel. I know that people are just trying to calm me down, but that is how I feel and let me have control over how I feel. I can't help but feel upset about things with Matt right now. And just let me feel that way. That is the one thing about Rebekah... she let me tonight. She's the one person I know that will just let me feel however I need to feel and I love her dearly for that. I guess I'm just rambling on cause I feel like I need to. This is just my way of getting past things. I'm sorry if i annoyed you or anything.
It's time for me to go to bed and sleep. I'm drained.