(no subject)
God.
I have issues with him (understatement of the month). I have the desire to believe in a man up in fluffy clouds that is somehow always looking down on me and has my best interests (and you know every other being on the planet, umm) at heart. Yet this is something difficult for me to accept. Or more that ended when I was oh, bout 6 years old and all.
I believe in the basic gist of christianity, as in good faith decisions. It's why I did continue to go to church up until I was 16. Don't you know lie, cheat,steal, murder etc. I could get behind that, and the volunteer work I did w/in the churches I was a member of, and teaching kids, and all that kind of good stuff was a safe haven of sorts through a LOT of whacked out bullshit at home. However to just take the bible and call myself a christian, probably never gonna happen, and eventually feeling like a hypocrite in church became a little too much. I try to liken the concept to kharma (i have been reading more into buddism as well, though thats an on/off thing i always mean to learn more about), just the good things and bad things can and will happen based on the way you live your life, etc.
I now go to AA 2x a week. In bits and pieces i do learn, and today the reading had to do with the whole step 3- which has to do with giving your will over to god (though you know you can have your own personal whathaveyou as your "god").
Which seems great, ok all knowing powerful god, i fucked up, i've done terrible things, please help me fix it. I think i'm beginning to wrap my head over the powerless i seem to at time exhibit (i refuse to be all, i am powerless in full, over a bottle. i am me. i am alive. it is not. i make the mistakes, not jack daniels) over alcohol which is uncomfortable to say the least. I've definitely reached the whole my life is unmanagable due to alcohol. And I want stronger faith, which i've always felt and have also kinda set it aside from traditional religion. I really have GOT to find a way to live and manage to get through this with more then just myself. That and the AA program is very faith based. I like that yes you can find your own "special something" but lets be serious for the most part the "god" is who most consider "god" to be. Which then makes me question everything, wonder if i'll never have it in me to do what might need to be done?
Trust me, I want to get sober. I'm torn about staying sober forever, that's just too much to digest now. Maybe, and for me to contemplate it, that's fucking IMMENSE. I mean am i truly an alcoholic in the most serious sense, or was that just the fall to crutch b/c i lack strength elsewhere? If i fixed my rotten core, would i be able to avoid the drunk train wreck mess i became after years of this?
For now I just will be taking it one day at a time.
I have issues with him (understatement of the month). I have the desire to believe in a man up in fluffy clouds that is somehow always looking down on me and has my best interests (and you know every other being on the planet, umm) at heart. Yet this is something difficult for me to accept. Or more that ended when I was oh, bout 6 years old and all.
I believe in the basic gist of christianity, as in good faith decisions. It's why I did continue to go to church up until I was 16. Don't you know lie, cheat,steal, murder etc. I could get behind that, and the volunteer work I did w/in the churches I was a member of, and teaching kids, and all that kind of good stuff was a safe haven of sorts through a LOT of whacked out bullshit at home. However to just take the bible and call myself a christian, probably never gonna happen, and eventually feeling like a hypocrite in church became a little too much. I try to liken the concept to kharma (i have been reading more into buddism as well, though thats an on/off thing i always mean to learn more about), just the good things and bad things can and will happen based on the way you live your life, etc.
I now go to AA 2x a week. In bits and pieces i do learn, and today the reading had to do with the whole step 3- which has to do with giving your will over to god (though you know you can have your own personal whathaveyou as your "god").
Which seems great, ok all knowing powerful god, i fucked up, i've done terrible things, please help me fix it. I think i'm beginning to wrap my head over the powerless i seem to at time exhibit (i refuse to be all, i am powerless in full, over a bottle. i am me. i am alive. it is not. i make the mistakes, not jack daniels) over alcohol which is uncomfortable to say the least. I've definitely reached the whole my life is unmanagable due to alcohol. And I want stronger faith, which i've always felt and have also kinda set it aside from traditional religion. I really have GOT to find a way to live and manage to get through this with more then just myself. That and the AA program is very faith based. I like that yes you can find your own "special something" but lets be serious for the most part the "god" is who most consider "god" to be. Which then makes me question everything, wonder if i'll never have it in me to do what might need to be done?
Trust me, I want to get sober. I'm torn about staying sober forever, that's just too much to digest now. Maybe, and for me to contemplate it, that's fucking IMMENSE. I mean am i truly an alcoholic in the most serious sense, or was that just the fall to crutch b/c i lack strength elsewhere? If i fixed my rotten core, would i be able to avoid the drunk train wreck mess i became after years of this?
For now I just will be taking it one day at a time.