Fic: Hold My Silence (Chapter 15)
Title: Hold My Silence
Author: casy_dee
Rating: T
Characters/Pairing: Connor/Abby
Spoiler: Series 3
Warning: Angst
Genre: Romance, Angst, Hurt/Comfort
Summary: Abby has secrets in her past, but is it right to keep them there? Can Connor accept it? Set in the Cretaceous...
Part: 15/?
Ch 1, Ch 2, Ch 3, Ch 4, Ch 5 , Ch 6, Ch 7, Ch 8 , Ch 9, Ch 10, Ch 11 , Ch 11.5 (M), Ch 12, Ch 13, Ch 14, Ch 14.5 (M),
Chapter 15
Abby lay against Connor, contemplating his question. It always seemed easier to talk to each other openly after their little interludes. Perhaps the lines of communication were looser, or the tension was lessened, or maybe it was just laying skin on skin, happy and sated and in each other's arms. Whatever the cause of it, she and Connor both took advantage of times like these to try to get past the barriers they'd erected. She'd come to realize that he had as many walls built up as she did, although they were decorated a little differently.
He'd asked her about being barren… an uncomfortable topic for her, but he deserved an answer.
"I have a lot of scar tissue, and it has blocked the fallopian tubes. It's like I had my tubes tied," she explained, trying for detached and clinical and failing by a mile.
"How'd you find out?" he asked softly.
His hand stroked up and down her arm, silently giving comfort.
"When they took us away from home... The investigators, they… The bruising was so severe…" she paused; she didn't want to talk about it.
"Never mind, Abby. You need not talk about anything you don't want to," Connor assured her, squeezing her gently.
She cleared her throat, "They did a scope to check me for damage. Was horrible, but at least I know."
"I'm sorry," he offered, his voice gentle.
"Why'd you ask?" she asked after a few more long moments had passed.
She expected he was going to talk about having kids someday. He'd probably not understood that when she'd said she couldn't have children, it wasn't all about the physical part of it. She'd not trust herself to raise a child. Not after the childhood she'd had. But Connor was so good with kids… he probably would want a handful, and that was something she had no interest in whatsoever. None.
She hated to be a disappointment to him, but she'd been up front about it, and at the time he'd sworn that he didn't care. She supposed it was only a matter of time before he realized what it actually meant. Abby couldn't help the little niggle of fear that wormed through her; what if he decided that he didn't want her now that he'd really had time to think on it? She braced herself for his answer.
"Um. We were um… pretty close tonight. And if we are able to…" he looked at her, briefly meeting her eyes as his face flamed, but he forged on, "keep going? I don't want to take the chance you could get pregnant," he finished in a rush.
"Oh," she replied stupidly; she'd called that one all wrong.
"Um. No. Not at all likely. Impossible without surgery," she expounded, the surprise at his question loosening her tongue more than she'd intended.
He turned his head to look down at her, his dark eyes glinting in the darkness, "Surgery?"
Oops. She'd not meant to let that slip. When they'd done the scope, they'd mentioned that she could try to have the damage repaired. She'd been disgusted with the mere thought of it at the time.
"Slim chance…" she said shortly, "but no. You'll not get me pregnant, Connor."
"Good. That's good," he replied, with a short nervous laugh.
The exam hadn't been pleasant, but it had confirmed that the abuse she'd suffered was severe enough and long enough in duration that what Jack had done by killing their step-father was closer to self-defense rather than murder. She'd never wanted to go through the exam again, and she knew if she ever wanted to get the damage repaired, she'd have to. Even then, it was only a slim chance for success. She'd not want him to think otherwise. God, she didn't want to talk about this, but she needed to.
"The doctor said they could possibly do surgery to clear out the scar tissue, but there is no guarantee," she explained.
"Oh. So if we decided later on to have children-" he began.
"You are getting a little ahead of yourself aren't you?" Abby interrupted, her tone cold and waspish.
He levered himself up so he could meet her gaze, "Abby… I'll be honest. If it ever was to happen… and I'm not asking for it… it would be with you. Just you."
The sweetness and sincerity in that little heartfelt statement shamed her. She'd known what he had meant by it, and she'd deliberately turned it against him because it made her uncomfortable.
"I'm sorry, Connor," she apologized, stroking his cheek, "Sore subject with me. I didn't mean to be nasty."
He nodded, "I know. I just want you, Abby. The kids don't matter. I was just asking if you had the option, if you would want to."
"No," she answered quickly. "I'd be a horrible mum. I don't know the first thing about properly taking care of a child. I surely can't look to my own mum as an example."
Connor shook his head, "That's just not true. You'd be great, I know it."
"You don't worry about yourself?" she asked gently.
He went very still beside her; his face frozen and eyes shuttered. It was a touchy subject with him, one he expertly evaded when the topic was broached.
He blinked rapidly and shook his head, more of a twitch than anything else, "Why should I?"
"Connor… don't."
Panic grew behind his eyes, the denial he'd hidden behind for so long threatening to crack and fall and come crashing down around him if he faced it head on. He scrambled to get up and get away, but she held him; her hands gripped his forearms, preventing him from escaping. His body trembled as his fight or flight response kicked in… with Abby, flight usually won out.
"It's okay, Connor. It is," she asserted.
He shook his head slowly, "No. You're wrong. She loves me. I just made her so angry-"
"No. You were a child. What she did to you was inexcusable, alright? You might as well say I deserved what I got," she insisted.
"No!" his eyes went wide and shocked, fear, denial and pain warring for dominance.
"It doesn't mean she doesn't love you… it just means she has a problem," she continued, her tone gentle.
His bottom lip trembled; he pressed his lips together. His face contorted as he tried to hold it in, but he was losing the battle.
"I tried so hard. I tried, but it was never good enough," he choked out, looking to her for acceptance, "I was never good enough." He squeezed his eyes shut, his jaw clenching, his hands balled into white-knuckled fists, "But I'm not him! I can't be him."
Abby wound her arms around him and pulled him close, "Shhh, Connor. It's okay."
His shoulders shook as he let loose the sobs he'd been trying to hold back, "I tried," he said again, his voice small and wounded.
"It wasn't your fault. None of it," she argued.
He'd been there for her, through this nightmare that they were in… through her retelling of her own horrible childhood. If she had the opportunity to be there for him, to be a shoulder for him to cry on, she was bloody well going to act on it.
She held him as he sobbed, and the pain behind it made her ache for him. She wished she could make it go away. If she ever met his mother she'd be hard pressed not to belt her one. She held him until he calmed, pulling away shakily and scrubbing his hands over his face.
"Sorry," he said, his voice rusty.
"Don't be. For what it's worth, Connor… I think you'd make a great dad," Abby said as she pulled him back down to lie beside her.
He gave a short huff, not quite laughter and not quite a sigh.
She snuggled into the warmth of his shoulder, closing her eyes and letting his presence comfort her. She could allow herself this, under the cover of night. She could almost let herself pretend that she was a normal girl lying down with her boyfriend… well, aside from the cave, and the pallet, and the fact that they were the only two humans in the world… and whole trapped in a prehistoric era part of it.
She was almost lulled into sleep when Connor levered up to look at her again, his face pensive, "Abby?"
"Yeah?" she replied, hoping he wasn't going to ask more questions she'd rather not have to answer tonight.
She truly thought she'd had enough of an emotional rollercoaster for one evening.
"Aside from when you had me stop to put me hands behind me head, were you… did you get scared or… or uneasy tonight?" he asked, stumbling a little over his words.
"A little bit," she answered finally; it was best to be honest, even if she didn't like to admit it.
He made a noise of consideration, "You know, I think it's probably best that we stick to the… er… just-"
"Oral sex?" Abby interjected, cracking a smile at his stammering and the redness creeping up his face.
He chuckled, abashed but amused at the same time, "Yeah."
"Hmmm," she answered, noncommittally.
"At least until you are truly comfortable the whole time, yeah?" he continued.
"Could take a while, yet," Abby admitted, after thinking over his words; he had a valid point.
"S'alright. I told you I din't mind, and I mean it," he replied with a brief smile, but then his face settled back into pensive lines again.
A few moments later, he added "And we've obviously got time, eh?" he trivialized, but the bitterness was there, beneath it all.
She knew it wouldn't go away until they were home safe. There was not a lot she could do about that, but she could try to lighten the mood.
"Connor Temple, are you playing hard to get?" Abby teased.
It startled a laugh out of him, "Oh, right." He glanced towards her, a mischievous smile playing about his lips, "Well, something is usually hard around you, anyway."
Abby giggled at his bad joke, glad to have distracted him.
Abby woke as dawn was breaking over the horizon; yet another day in the Cretaceous. Connor was breathing deeply beside her, still lost in dreaming. She smiled and shifted up on her elbow so she could watch him, unobserved. She had never thought she could have what she did with Connor. She never thought she could have it with anyone, she amended, but she was glad it was with Connor.
After last night, she thought that just maybe Connor had been right about them. They could work through things, given enough time. She wanted to believe him, and Connor had not ever given her reason to doubt him. He'd certainly proven that he had the patience for it, and last night that patience had paid dividends. He'd given her an incredible evening, and they were the merest step away from consummating what they felt for each other completely.
She rose after a few moments, beginning her morning routine. She spared once last glance at the still sleeping Connor and began to throw some of the wood they kept piled near the entrance on the fire, encouraging the coals to break into flames. She heated water by dropping hot stones into the wooden vessel that served as their 'kettle,' and then sprinkled the surface with pine needles for their morning tea.
They shared their tea and morning meal in companionable silence, Connor stealing little pleased glances at her while he ate. She refrained from rolling her eyes at him only because he seemed happier than he had in days, and she didn't want to spoil it. Besides… she had to admit it was kind of cute. As they readied themselves for a morning trip down to the base of the falls, Connor was all business again. He checked and double checked their gear with a restless energy that set Abby's teeth on edge. If she was a little short with him, he didn't seem to notice, he was so preoccupied with what lay ahead of them. Abby was far more pragmatic. If the dinosaurs was still there by the falls, they'd try the river instead. She was certain that one of the areas would be accessible.
She was wrong. They had been unable to reach either the falls of the river for the second day in a row, and they were beginning to feel a little bit desperate. At the moment, they were sat by their cave trying to keep themselves occupied. Connor worked to carve out some more wooden bowls and cups while Abby rubbed the interior of one he'd already roughed out with sand and a rounded rock to smooth the inside. It passed the time, and kept their hands busy. They'd decided that if they were still cut off the following day, they would make the long journey far enough around so that they could at least replenish their supply of fish. They'd not wanted to chance getting caught out in the dark, so it would have to wait until morning.
Connor had gone quiet on her, a sure sign that he was having a difficult time dealing with their situation. He gouged the interior of the chunk of wood viciously with the sharp flake of flint in his hand as if it was the cause of all their problems. She'd tried drawing him out in conversation, but she'd only managed to get non-committal grunts out of him. Abby tried to hold on to her patience; she was having a hard time of it, too but she wasn't pouting about it.
She finally managed to get him talking, but she wasn't much liking what he said. He suggested that they find somewhere else to live. She knew that the creatures were drawn to the water source, and anywhere they chose to live that was next to a water source would have the same problems they had already. If they were not near the water, then that meant a dangerous journey overland for the basic necessities of life. She won the argument, but she ceded that they would start to be on the lookout for a better location to live during their scouting trips, just in case.
She really hoped they had better luck in the morning.
TBC
A/N: Soooo. Abby makes Connor confront his issues, at least in part. Hope you liked this chapter, I know it was a little bit of a departure…
Anyways, I'd like to know what you think, so please take a second to comment and feed my starving muse? As always, thank you for reading.