Dance Journal
One again I've forgotten to make some logs here, but I'll try to play catch up. Most of the past three weeks was us covering our mandalas. It was really quite fascinating to hear all the stories and to see how we all ended up where we are today. Quite a few students felt they'd done nothing to be all that proud of, but as our teacher said. We've all accomplished something or we wouldn't be in the room to start with.
Personally, I went with moving to California as my proudest achievement. It's still hard to believe I managed this far, and with the end of my career as a community college student in sight, it's a bit bizarre to know it's almost time to move on to new chapters in life.
I'm still nervous as all get out about finding the money to keep going for my Bachelors and I still don't want to go back home to GA with only my AA. Yes, that particular piece of paper will help me feel less like the failure my Dad tried to make me see myself as, but the AA alone isn't good enough.
The dancing/stress management tends to bring up a lot of the stuff I'm holding inside and I've come to the conclusion that I am furious...absolutely livid that my cousin expects me to drop everything to come home and care for a man that she KNOWS spent every day verbally abusing me. She seems to think it's a shortcoming of mine that I can't just "deal with it" or let it slide off my shoulders. Mish brought up a very good point, if we were talking lover, instead of parent nobody in their right mind would tell me to stay with him. Being my parent means I love him and respect him as much as possible, but it doesn't mean that I give up the education I'm going to desperately need to go take care of him. I tried that before, I spent years waiting for the "right" time to go back, but it never came, because waiting for my father to die to see to my own livelihood is idiotic. I can't afford NOT to have an education. What if my father lives another 10 or 20 years with me waiting for him to pass on to finish school? What happens when I'm trapped with no degree and next to no job skills trying to find work at 40 or 50?
It's obvious cuz expects me to stay with him 24/7 as she said and I quote "he needs constant care". Constant care means no going to work or school, and there is no way I can stay with him 24/7 and not be driven up the wall. The man refuses to do anything I ask of him, even if it's for his own good. I asked him to fix the hole in the bathroom floor before I came back. It didn't happen. To be honest, I think he might need the wake-up call of his house being condemned before he'll listen. Cuz says I'm punishing him, and although I don't agree with this, even if I am, it's only possible because of the things he's done to himself.
It's just...UGH!
Anyway, back to dance class...I'm able to handle child's pose now if I use a bit of padding, so I feel that I'm getting better. I'm still not as flexible as I'd like though. It seems that tension in my trapezoids is a constant theme, but I'm going to equate that with the excessively large bosom nature chose to bless/curse me with. Well that and the stress. So very much stress of late.
We have to come up with a dance soon as well. I've chosen "Scars of Time" from Chrono Cross. It's relatively short and it always makes me want to move so it should be good. I'm just not sure what kind of moves I'm going to incorporate. Hopefully tonight's class will help with that a little. I suppose we'll see.
Personally, I went with moving to California as my proudest achievement. It's still hard to believe I managed this far, and with the end of my career as a community college student in sight, it's a bit bizarre to know it's almost time to move on to new chapters in life.
I'm still nervous as all get out about finding the money to keep going for my Bachelors and I still don't want to go back home to GA with only my AA. Yes, that particular piece of paper will help me feel less like the failure my Dad tried to make me see myself as, but the AA alone isn't good enough.
The dancing/stress management tends to bring up a lot of the stuff I'm holding inside and I've come to the conclusion that I am furious...absolutely livid that my cousin expects me to drop everything to come home and care for a man that she KNOWS spent every day verbally abusing me. She seems to think it's a shortcoming of mine that I can't just "deal with it" or let it slide off my shoulders. Mish brought up a very good point, if we were talking lover, instead of parent nobody in their right mind would tell me to stay with him. Being my parent means I love him and respect him as much as possible, but it doesn't mean that I give up the education I'm going to desperately need to go take care of him. I tried that before, I spent years waiting for the "right" time to go back, but it never came, because waiting for my father to die to see to my own livelihood is idiotic. I can't afford NOT to have an education. What if my father lives another 10 or 20 years with me waiting for him to pass on to finish school? What happens when I'm trapped with no degree and next to no job skills trying to find work at 40 or 50?
It's obvious cuz expects me to stay with him 24/7 as she said and I quote "he needs constant care". Constant care means no going to work or school, and there is no way I can stay with him 24/7 and not be driven up the wall. The man refuses to do anything I ask of him, even if it's for his own good. I asked him to fix the hole in the bathroom floor before I came back. It didn't happen. To be honest, I think he might need the wake-up call of his house being condemned before he'll listen. Cuz says I'm punishing him, and although I don't agree with this, even if I am, it's only possible because of the things he's done to himself.
It's just...UGH!
Anyway, back to dance class...I'm able to handle child's pose now if I use a bit of padding, so I feel that I'm getting better. I'm still not as flexible as I'd like though. It seems that tension in my trapezoids is a constant theme, but I'm going to equate that with the excessively large bosom nature chose to bless/curse me with. Well that and the stress. So very much stress of late.
We have to come up with a dance soon as well. I've chosen "Scars of Time" from Chrono Cross. It's relatively short and it always makes me want to move so it should be good. I'm just not sure what kind of moves I'm going to incorporate. Hopefully tonight's class will help with that a little. I suppose we'll see.