Kick in the Teeth
Ouch ouch ouch.
I think I heard an audible sound of my heart actually cracking earlier tonight. I wouldn't say it broke completely in two, but it did kind of splinter off in a few little pieces.
This guy. This damn guy who I was hesitant to get emotionally attached to at first because I was afraid I would hurt HIM if I turned into a bored flake like I'm always terrified of doing. This guy who I was honest to from the beginning about my fear of committment and fear of hurting people.. .this guy got to me. He completely infatuated me. He got past that little wall I set up to keep people out emotionally in the romantic department. He not only got past it, he fucking tore it down. It felt nice. I hadn't liked someone so much since my ex boyfriend nearly 3 years ago. It got to where I actually would rather make out with him than some new cute stranger. That's monumental for me, the Air sign who craves newness all the time.
He calls me tonight and basically says he's seeing a girl he saw before and met me shortly after he started seeing her again. They're not exclusive by any means and she actually told him to pursue me if that's what he wanted to do since she wasn't going to be exclusive with him (she's also a fucking lesbian and he is her exception.) Basically he's stepping back from the situation to not make a decision right now and make sure he doesn't "hurt" anyone. I can understand that.. but he didn't communicate that at first. The impression I got at the first phone call was that he was going to see this girl instead of me, and that since he didn't want to see two people at one time, he just wanted to be friends with me.
I tried to hold it together. I don't know if I overreacted.. I just know I reacted. I started crying. Not audibly.. I refrained from saying much because I knew he would hear the tremble in my voice if I did. I just felt like I had been hit. He noticed I wasn't saying much and asked if I was okay, at which point I was crying so hard I could only mumble "Mhm" then he knew it wasn't true and figured out I was crying. I felt like an idiot for behaving so emotionally, but it really did sting like a motherfucker. The thought going through my mind is that everything he said to me about liking me, about wanting to possibly be a boyfriend in the future, about me being the single most amazing person he's met in a long time, about how he and I just make sense, that was all a pack of lines.
I told him all of this.. I told him it was a slap in the face. I told him I felt like I was overreacting.
I don't hate him.. but I'm hurting. I'm at peace somewhat because he didn't mean he didn't want to see me anymore permanently, he meant he needed some time to figure this out before he hurt one of us (too late I guess).
I'm ashamed that I behaved so emotionally instead of logically. That's what I do. I react logically (at least try to) before I act emotionally.. but if I let things get to me.. the more angry or the more hurt I become and the emotions just happen. I prefer to be a droid when it comes to negative emotions.. but I'm quite fine with being elated of course, which is what he made me.
I just hate that the first guy I really let past my mental block around my feeble little heart punctures it once he's inside.
I feel like even if he decided he did want to see me.. that it's tainted now.. and that I couldn't fully trust him innocently like I did before.
I think I heard an audible sound of my heart actually cracking earlier tonight. I wouldn't say it broke completely in two, but it did kind of splinter off in a few little pieces.
This guy. This damn guy who I was hesitant to get emotionally attached to at first because I was afraid I would hurt HIM if I turned into a bored flake like I'm always terrified of doing. This guy who I was honest to from the beginning about my fear of committment and fear of hurting people.. .this guy got to me. He completely infatuated me. He got past that little wall I set up to keep people out emotionally in the romantic department. He not only got past it, he fucking tore it down. It felt nice. I hadn't liked someone so much since my ex boyfriend nearly 3 years ago. It got to where I actually would rather make out with him than some new cute stranger. That's monumental for me, the Air sign who craves newness all the time.
He calls me tonight and basically says he's seeing a girl he saw before and met me shortly after he started seeing her again. They're not exclusive by any means and she actually told him to pursue me if that's what he wanted to do since she wasn't going to be exclusive with him (she's also a fucking lesbian and he is her exception.) Basically he's stepping back from the situation to not make a decision right now and make sure he doesn't "hurt" anyone. I can understand that.. but he didn't communicate that at first. The impression I got at the first phone call was that he was going to see this girl instead of me, and that since he didn't want to see two people at one time, he just wanted to be friends with me.
I tried to hold it together. I don't know if I overreacted.. I just know I reacted. I started crying. Not audibly.. I refrained from saying much because I knew he would hear the tremble in my voice if I did. I just felt like I had been hit. He noticed I wasn't saying much and asked if I was okay, at which point I was crying so hard I could only mumble "Mhm" then he knew it wasn't true and figured out I was crying. I felt like an idiot for behaving so emotionally, but it really did sting like a motherfucker. The thought going through my mind is that everything he said to me about liking me, about wanting to possibly be a boyfriend in the future, about me being the single most amazing person he's met in a long time, about how he and I just make sense, that was all a pack of lines.
I told him all of this.. I told him it was a slap in the face. I told him I felt like I was overreacting.
I don't hate him.. but I'm hurting. I'm at peace somewhat because he didn't mean he didn't want to see me anymore permanently, he meant he needed some time to figure this out before he hurt one of us (too late I guess).
I'm ashamed that I behaved so emotionally instead of logically. That's what I do. I react logically (at least try to) before I act emotionally.. but if I let things get to me.. the more angry or the more hurt I become and the emotions just happen. I prefer to be a droid when it comes to negative emotions.. but I'm quite fine with being elated of course, which is what he made me.
I just hate that the first guy I really let past my mental block around my feeble little heart punctures it once he's inside.
I feel like even if he decided he did want to see me.. that it's tainted now.. and that I couldn't fully trust him innocently like I did before.