God and I's breakup
Here's the thing about God and I, and I'm not quite sure I can accurately portray what is going on inside my head and translate it into something everyone can understand, but dammit, I'll try.
God's been invading my thoughts more lately than usual. Why? I can't say. Maybe because people have been talking to me more (or chastizing me more) for the spiritual change I've gone through in the last 3 years.
Yes, I do believe there has to be something higher in the universe, because it's hard for me to believe that this all wasn't designed somehow. Whether that deity is the Christian God or not, I don't know.
I hate most organized religion, and think it's enslaving rather than liberating, it's true. I know most of you will bark at me for that, but hear me out. I wasn't myself the time I practiced the zealotry. I wasn't free to be me. Now, I'm not saying the church brainwashed me, but I do believe I brainwashed myself. I consumed so much religious literature and so much of fever fueled fanaticism that I was robbed of any original thought I might have. Everything I did or said had to be according to what "God" wanted. No, I'm not saying "God" did all this, it was me, but it was me fueled by misguided religious fervor. I won't go into all the gory details because it's very uncomfortable for me, but safe to say, I was miserable and unstable and I wasn't happy until I quit going to church.
Now, I am more myself than I've ever been and I just breathe a sigh of relief every time I think about the fact that I have the freedom to think, say, do, and live the way I want. I realize that I've let a lot of people down, but you know what? Living my life to please other people (including this Christian God) is what made me miserable for so long.
So you're probably still wondering what I've been thinking about God lately. Well, I'm not against the prospect that maybe I'm wrong about all of this. I don't think I am, but we'll see I guess. My thoughts on God now... maybe there is a God... maybe he does love me. If there is a God and if he does love me, I have to believe he supports me in this endeavor to be my own person. If the deity that exists does not support me being an individual with pride in herself and love for herself, then that's not the God I want ruling me anyhow.
I've remained an essentially caring person throughout my transformation from Christian to Agnostic, and I think that's a testament that I'm not evil at the core like apostates are supposed to be.
I have to believe that if God is real, then he doesn't want me to be a fucking mindless drone, with no intelligence and no questions or thoughts of my own. He knows that I want what is true and what is right, and ultimately what is best for me, and maybe that is not religion at all.
I don't hate God at all. Jesus was actually a really great figure, and if I were to subscribe to any God, it would be Jesus, because he's the most merciful and loving out of all the gods I've studied.
I'm not going to try to convert all Christians into my way of thinking. I just hope you respect my decision to stay away from the church.
God's been invading my thoughts more lately than usual. Why? I can't say. Maybe because people have been talking to me more (or chastizing me more) for the spiritual change I've gone through in the last 3 years.
Yes, I do believe there has to be something higher in the universe, because it's hard for me to believe that this all wasn't designed somehow. Whether that deity is the Christian God or not, I don't know.
I hate most organized religion, and think it's enslaving rather than liberating, it's true. I know most of you will bark at me for that, but hear me out. I wasn't myself the time I practiced the zealotry. I wasn't free to be me. Now, I'm not saying the church brainwashed me, but I do believe I brainwashed myself. I consumed so much religious literature and so much of fever fueled fanaticism that I was robbed of any original thought I might have. Everything I did or said had to be according to what "God" wanted. No, I'm not saying "God" did all this, it was me, but it was me fueled by misguided religious fervor. I won't go into all the gory details because it's very uncomfortable for me, but safe to say, I was miserable and unstable and I wasn't happy until I quit going to church.
Now, I am more myself than I've ever been and I just breathe a sigh of relief every time I think about the fact that I have the freedom to think, say, do, and live the way I want. I realize that I've let a lot of people down, but you know what? Living my life to please other people (including this Christian God) is what made me miserable for so long.
So you're probably still wondering what I've been thinking about God lately. Well, I'm not against the prospect that maybe I'm wrong about all of this. I don't think I am, but we'll see I guess. My thoughts on God now... maybe there is a God... maybe he does love me. If there is a God and if he does love me, I have to believe he supports me in this endeavor to be my own person. If the deity that exists does not support me being an individual with pride in herself and love for herself, then that's not the God I want ruling me anyhow.
I've remained an essentially caring person throughout my transformation from Christian to Agnostic, and I think that's a testament that I'm not evil at the core like apostates are supposed to be.
I have to believe that if God is real, then he doesn't want me to be a fucking mindless drone, with no intelligence and no questions or thoughts of my own. He knows that I want what is true and what is right, and ultimately what is best for me, and maybe that is not religion at all.
I don't hate God at all. Jesus was actually a really great figure, and if I were to subscribe to any God, it would be Jesus, because he's the most merciful and loving out of all the gods I've studied.
I'm not going to try to convert all Christians into my way of thinking. I just hope you respect my decision to stay away from the church.