Sooo... don't read this unless you really want to know
this is about me at the hospital, as the subject says, don't read unless you want to know. also, don't comment if you're just going to bitch at me about 'hiding in drugs' and blah blah blah. i know what i'm doing and i know why i'm doing it, so if it's just bullshit you have to say... save it.
Needle placed with careful pain
To the vein in the fold
Of my left arm where there
Is no struggle, no roll, no complaint
I watch vile after vile
Fill up with tainted blood
And vaguely, with passing thought,
And lack of caring
I wonder if they’ll check
To find what drugs I’ve already swallowed
In pathetic attempt to hide myself in
There was no waiting for me
I was led from lab to changing room
Dressed in gowns and little socks
With rubber grips, preventing my fall
Should I dare not have steady steps
Should I dare slip and fall while in waiting
I am no one here
No one speaks me name
I’m a number and a room on a board
No one even takes the time to tell me
Where it is I’m supposed to go
So I take glance at the dry erase board
Held haphazardly on the wall
Find my room number - lucky number seven
And hidden in the over sized robe
I keep clutched around my body
I escort myself to the hole in the wall
Where I am to wait
Eventually, my parents are led back to me
Where they collect my remaining jewelry
Before I’m carted off by a nurse
Who seems bored with a day that’s just begun
This time me in my bed
With heated blankets hiding me
On sheets used a thousand times before
Is pushed between two curtains
And left to observe pre-op doctors and nurses
Through blind eyes
My glasses and contacts were left long behind
The staff here is friendlier by far
They learn my name
And attempt to sooth any fears I’m withholding
But words mean nothing now
And I falsely assure them I am fine
As my doctor, an old friend now,
Entertains my thoughts
A second needle is placed to the back of my left hand
Second injection, same infliction
Next comes the operating room
Pads are place two to my chest, one to my side
They’ll monitor my heart, or what’s left of it…
A stretch of material goes across my forehead
Beneath the cap restraining my hair
My fashion statement for the day;
And from one bed to another I move
The room is freezing
But whispers of Lenny Kravitz
Float from the speakers on the walls…
My left arm, IV attached, is laid out straight from my side
My right arm is extended in the same form as well
Straight out and resting on extensions folded out from the bed
I lay flat on my back
Staring up into bright lights and thinking thoughts
That place bitter taste in my mouth
‘I should be hanging from a crucifix in this fashion’
The thought remained until they strip the blankets away
And suspended my legs unceremoniously in the air
My gown slips and the latest carvings to flesh are exposed
I don’t care now - worst they can do is lecture
And as I’ve said, what weight do words carry?
They push anesthesia in and I slip away
In my absence they take blade in one hand
Scoop in another
My insides are hollowed
A place in my heart get scraped clean as well
Then Doctor is rushed away
A child is taken, and elsewhere a child is born:
Eventually I wake in recovery
Removing the oxygen mask from my face
A nurse takes notice and returns me to my original place
The first hole in the wall
Mom collects me, my tongue is pierced no more
The hole has closed over and my hands refuse to cooperate
To re-pierce the muscle
I travel home and watch time pass
Till love makes it to my door
And wraps me in his arms
Together we battle the rest of the day
With help from drug induced dreams
Time separates us…just hours away
Time I spend hidden
Right where I’ll stay
Until I run out of money
Or find strength to fight these demons anew
All I know now
Is my healing comes from the love
Provided by you
*thank you, baby. i love you*
Needle placed with careful pain
To the vein in the fold
Of my left arm where there
Is no struggle, no roll, no complaint
I watch vile after vile
Fill up with tainted blood
And vaguely, with passing thought,
And lack of caring
I wonder if they’ll check
To find what drugs I’ve already swallowed
In pathetic attempt to hide myself in
There was no waiting for me
I was led from lab to changing room
Dressed in gowns and little socks
With rubber grips, preventing my fall
Should I dare not have steady steps
Should I dare slip and fall while in waiting
I am no one here
No one speaks me name
I’m a number and a room on a board
No one even takes the time to tell me
Where it is I’m supposed to go
So I take glance at the dry erase board
Held haphazardly on the wall
Find my room number - lucky number seven
And hidden in the over sized robe
I keep clutched around my body
I escort myself to the hole in the wall
Where I am to wait
Eventually, my parents are led back to me
Where they collect my remaining jewelry
Before I’m carted off by a nurse
Who seems bored with a day that’s just begun
This time me in my bed
With heated blankets hiding me
On sheets used a thousand times before
Is pushed between two curtains
And left to observe pre-op doctors and nurses
Through blind eyes
My glasses and contacts were left long behind
The staff here is friendlier by far
They learn my name
And attempt to sooth any fears I’m withholding
But words mean nothing now
And I falsely assure them I am fine
As my doctor, an old friend now,
Entertains my thoughts
A second needle is placed to the back of my left hand
Second injection, same infliction
Next comes the operating room
Pads are place two to my chest, one to my side
They’ll monitor my heart, or what’s left of it…
A stretch of material goes across my forehead
Beneath the cap restraining my hair
My fashion statement for the day;
And from one bed to another I move
The room is freezing
But whispers of Lenny Kravitz
Float from the speakers on the walls…
My left arm, IV attached, is laid out straight from my side
My right arm is extended in the same form as well
Straight out and resting on extensions folded out from the bed
I lay flat on my back
Staring up into bright lights and thinking thoughts
That place bitter taste in my mouth
‘I should be hanging from a crucifix in this fashion’
The thought remained until they strip the blankets away
And suspended my legs unceremoniously in the air
My gown slips and the latest carvings to flesh are exposed
I don’t care now - worst they can do is lecture
And as I’ve said, what weight do words carry?
They push anesthesia in and I slip away
In my absence they take blade in one hand
Scoop in another
My insides are hollowed
A place in my heart get scraped clean as well
Then Doctor is rushed away
A child is taken, and elsewhere a child is born:
Eventually I wake in recovery
Removing the oxygen mask from my face
A nurse takes notice and returns me to my original place
The first hole in the wall
Mom collects me, my tongue is pierced no more
The hole has closed over and my hands refuse to cooperate
To re-pierce the muscle
I travel home and watch time pass
Till love makes it to my door
And wraps me in his arms
Together we battle the rest of the day
With help from drug induced dreams
Time separates us…just hours away
Time I spend hidden
Right where I’ll stay
Until I run out of money
Or find strength to fight these demons anew
All I know now
Is my healing comes from the love
Provided by you
*thank you, baby. i love you*