If you don't care, then we don't care
So, much like last years MTV Video Music Awards, this year's award show was terrible. I might even go so far as to call it the worst one ever. Even reliving it in my head right now is kinda hard to do, but for you, I shall try.
-Russell Brand worked very hard tonight. So hard, that he wasn't funny once. Not once. His monologue was easily the worst ever. Yes, worse than the Wayans brothers all the way back in 2000. So funny in Forgetting Sarah Marshall, in one fell swoop, Brand completely destroyed all the goodwill he'd created from that film, and I doubt he will ever be seen on these shores again.
-Britney Spears big opener was a lame sketch with Jonah Hill, followed by a walk to the stage and a "Welcome to the show, guys". That was it. Oh, and she won everything she was nominated for. How kind, MTV.
-There were apparently zero rehersals. No one gave Demi Moore a microphone before they sent her on stage, maybe because no one could believe she was actually invited. That Charlie's Angels movie came out like five years ago. Unless MTV heard that Mr. Brooks is hot with the tween crowd. In that case, where were Costner and William Hurt introducing Best Hip Hop video? Another choice moment was Jamie Foxx staring blanking in silence, missing his cue to read the winner of whatever award he was giving out. I think he stood there for at least a half an hour before he realized he should say something. I might be exaggerating, but probably not. Not gonna lie, hearing one of the stage hands scream "You're on!" was pretty great.
-The Jonas Brothers. They play their own instruments, and, perhaps you've heard, are actual brothers. However, they cannot sing. Those high pitched whines are pretty sad. Say what you will about 'Nsync and the Backstreet Boys, those guys could actually sing. Also, everyone remembers that TV head version of "Bye Bye Bye". This Jonas Brothers performance just felt like a weak attempt at "we play our own instruments" cred. Let me assure you, they most certainly do, and not very well either.
-I feel like a dick for saying this, but I don't get Rhianna. She sang twice tonight, and underwhelmed me both times. Her song "Disturbia" sounds like a rejected soundtrack song that it probably is while her performance with T.I. sampled the "Numa Numa" song. Is that what's hot on the streets, T.I.? "Numa Numa"? Can't wait for your "Chocolate Rain" track.
-Speaking of T.I., could someone send this guy some good beats? I mean, fucking Rick Ross had that "Hustlin" song, what does T.I. have? "Big Shit Poppin"? Don't embarrass yourself.
-Michael Phelps is a great swimmer. And. That. Is. It. I don't care that he likes Jay-Z. No more talking.(Lorin is handed note from stagehand). What's this? He's hosting Saturday Night Live?!?!
That's going to be terrible.
I need a minute.
Wow. Ok, back to it.
-What up, Kid Rock? You're old as dirt, and Lil' Wayne blew you off the stage during your OWN SONG!*
-Slash laughed when he saw that Linkin Park had won best rock video. Whatever it takes to keep from crying.
-Kanye West, thank god for you. He was pretty much the only good part of last year's show, and ditto for this one, even debuting a new song, "Love Lockdown". Of course, Kanye won nothing tonight.
To summarize, watching the VMA's was kinda like this:
except instead of napalm, you get the Pussycat Dolls.
*Not actually Kid Rock's song, since it blatantly steals from two other songs, and Rock just threw some half ass raps on top. He should have just done "Cowboy", everybody loves that song.